Welcome to Gaia! ::

heres my story. Pleeze tell me what youe think so I can improve it:






Chapter 1: The raid


I ran. I was running from an enemy who had threated my tribe for centuries. The vampires. I had been hunting with my brother, and the vampires had come out of no where. They had killed my brother, Nero, and I thought I would be next.
I ran over roots, and jumped over logs. When I arrived at her tribes camp, I saw havoc. People were dousing fires, running, and throwing hot water on the vampires. I forgot the vampires behind her, and raced to camp.
I was 15 with long black hair and dark eyes that went with my copper colored skin. I was reckless and daring. Also crazy.
I had to find my family before the vampires did. When I reached her tepee, I saw blood and a hole ripped in the side where a knife had torn through.
I entered carefully, and shrieked. My sisters body lay on its side, the neck broken. I looked around, and saw dead faces of her family. I heard a noise, and turned.
A vampire stepped in. She looked around, wild-eyed.
“Oh god....”She whispered, and dropped to her knees, apparently not seeing me watching her.
“Hello?” I asked carefully. The vampire leaped up and bared her fangs, but then, as if recognizing me, she stared.
“I recognize you.”She whispered.”How?”
“Who are you?”
“I was Moui, the dream keeper, until someone changed he from beautiful mortal into evil immortal.”
“Moui! I though you were dead all of this time!” Moui had been one of my friends I had had since I was a young child.
“I am, unless we find the Elixir of Thero.”
“What will that do?”
“It will make me mortal, so I will be able to once again, keep the dreams from bad spirits, Xane.”
There was a long pause, until I asked,”does the transformation hurt?”
“Yes. I felt as if everything good was gone from the world, as if the cold had made everything die. And the whole time, I felt as if I was being beaten and tortured.”
Moui certainly did have a defeated look about her. Her once copper skin was as light as a white settlers, and and her once silky black hair hair was coarse needed to be brushed.
“Oh, Moui. We cant let them see you like this. And can you stop the raid?”
“I don't know. I'll try.”And she turned and left.
I had not noticed the approach of a strange vampire who had been hiding behind a dead body. He looked like had been one from her tribe who'd been changed. I heard a noise the vampire made, and turned around.
He froze, and I heard a growling noise from the doorway. Moni, my husky puppy bounded in and lunged at the vampire, who ran toward me, as something stabbed into my back. The vampire knocked me over. I felt something sink into my neck, and a feeling of despair filled me.
I was going to die..not here, not like this. I felt weaker than I ever had, blackness filling my mind. I heard a bark and felt like life was being taken, and thought one last thought, telling Moni to go, to be safe, and than the blackness over took me, and I passed out.

*nine hours later*


Everything was ending. The blackness threatened to wash away every happy thing in her world, anything that made sense. The whole time it was, I felt as if I was being whipped, frozen, burned, and having an incurable disease that was slicing me into pieces.
Oh,I was in agony! I wished it would end, that I would lose the fight and go...to wherever she was meant to go to.


Chapter 2: Watching



About four miles away, a young vampire named Jao watched. He was 16, and he was a spy for a nest of vampires known as the “Arabian Nest”, even though they were located in a small towns sewers not in Arabia. He was designed to track and watch tribes while they were being invaded.
Something was odd about this attack. The vampires had not had back up, and they seemed stronger and faster than the standard breed. Jao was NOT of the standard breed either, but they had had permission to do that to him.
He could turn into smoke if anyone seemed as if they were about to get him, he could climb trees faster than any other immortal, and one drop of his venom could melt gold and metals. He was 10 times faster and stronger, and if used right, his venom could change a human to his species. Though, as every vampire, he could be hurt, and killed by silver and wooden stakes.
Jao had come from the tribe that was being invaded. His black eyes widened when he caught the scent of blood. His mouth began to water, then he started heading for the tribe.

*At the camp*

Jao found a promising tent, though finding all the members of the family were dead, he started to leave. A dark shadow that entered surprised him made him leap behind a dead body.
A young girl entered. She was clearly a human, and she looked around as of shocked. A vampire entered, and he ducked down. All he heard were a few murmurs and then he heard someone leave.
Jao stood up, and walked toward the figure. A dog ran in, and started to bark and charge. At the same time, a figure ran past, and stabbed the girl through the back.
Oh, great, Jao thought, running forward and knocking the girl over. The only thing he knew to do to save her was bite her. He sank his fangs into her neck, while using one arm to fend off the dog.
She thrashed around and groaned something about her dog being safe, then she blacked out. Pitiful, he thought. He picked her up, and ran to the best hiding spot he knew off.
Blood dripped from his hands, and wondered if he had save her, gotten the right venom, and had drained enough blood. Figures. You steal someones life trying to save them and they die?

Chapter 3: Unforgiving truth


The feelings of despair and pain were diminishing, fading to a dull ache in her head. I half expected be a pile of bloody, mangled, limbs in a heap. I opened my eyes, and for some reason saw everything in an odd clarity.
Huh... I thought lamely. Everything was confusing. I sat up with a great deal of effort, and saw a mirror in the corner. My skin was still coppery, hair was still black and eyes were still dark brown...but something was different.
My eyes had changed shape, and were angled, my face had narrowed, grown longer, and my face was hollower. I gasped, then groaned because I experienced a jolt of pain in my temple. I looked around. Where was I?
My eyes narrowed as I took the scenery in. Bare stone walls, and a cage door. A single mirror hung in the corner, with a crack through the center. My nose smelled everything, and sharp metallic scent filled my senses.
Then I realized I was smelling blood. I heard a noise, and looked out into the hallway behind the door again. I heard footsteps coming. A exhausted looking she-vampire in a dirty white nightgown being lead by an older looking vampire walked by.
I growled, and their heads snapped to find the sound.
“Who runs this place?” I demanded to know.
“Are you new?”Asked the older vampire.”I can find him, If you want.”
“You better,” I growled.”I want an explanation before I leave.” I was feeling quite angry that I was bitten and thrown into an unfamiliar place with no explanation of where I was. It could've been an insane asylum if it hadn't had vampires
“The old vampire shook her head gently.”I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but once your a vampire, you get training, then you're sold.” She continued walking the way she originally had been going.

Chapter 4: Delusions of Despair

I stood there in shock. Sold? What use would I have? Then I remember the boy who had bit me, and the back injury. I felt my back. Not even a wound, as I could tell. My anger boiled up, threatening to overflow, then suddenly, tears.
Tears for my murdered family, for my friend, my life being stolen. I wondered if even her puppy had survived, or had been eaten. Been eaten alive by those cruel bloodsuckers.
I heard footsteps. God! Couldn't they let me suffer in peace? Wish upon a star, and your wish will come. I had hoped that every time I saw a shooting star, but I realized, sometimes people make choices for you. But sometimes those choices were the bad ones.
My worst fear had always been being changed into a vampire, or stolen. In my minds eyes, I saw the face of the vampire boy responsible for my parents death. I would have her vengeance, and the he-vampire would suffer. He would suffer all the pains that stung my heart now, only more brutal, more cruel. Evil.
If only I could see the sky. All I could see was a single bare bulb, and the grimy bare walls of my cell. And my reflection. I turned away from it. That was enough for one time.
In my mind, I remembered a story my friend had told me before she...changed into a blood draining freak. The story dated back over a century ago. It had gone:
“Colder as ice,
But colder,
Never thirsty, but always drinking,
Soulless, and darker than the darkest night,
Heartless and evil,
They came.
They fed.
They destroyed,
Their minds blanker than a blank sheet of paper,
They killed, taking no survivors.
Hated by everything,
Loved by the coldest part of hell,
Despair and sorrow followed their trail.
Until one day,
Fighting,
Blade flashing,
Jao came forth to the Vampire King,
Stabbing the beast through the heart with a stake,
He fled,
Killing vampires,
until he fell,
And they caught him,
And he was gone,
More gone than a cold, empty shadow,
With no candlelight flickering to warm,
No sun,
Colder than the ice
A mere shadow,
A mere shadow
The vampires left,
Gone for good
And gone out of fear
The sun returned,
But they still wonder
Was he truly gone
A shadow in the corner,
Or was he still on this world?
Harder and stronger men then him rode out
searching up and down,
high and low
with no sign,
the hope died
but so did the fear
And know one knows
where the brave son went,
Who had risked his life to free the Muhawkies”
It made me sad to that Jao, whoever he was had died, even after all he went through to get to the kill the Vampire King, yet failed. At the same time, I wondered if Jao had survived, or been bitten.
Maybe, if he had been bitten, he could help her, though he'd be very old, then again, I didn't know that much about vampires. I didn't know if their memories faded after time, or they stayed clear and fresh like they had just happened.
Then again... I could remember stuff from my human days I couldn't remember as a human. First learning to hunt...that brought back memories. Those bloodthirsty beasts killed my brother while they were hunting!



Chapter 5:Later


It was months that had passed, when one day, Moui came. It was late at night, and I was curled up in the corner sleeping. The time had all but lapsed together, the hours stretching for days, the loneliness growing until it seemed like nothing would save me, until Moui came.
“Xane? She whispered, coming into the cell. I was weak, and couldn't get up, but I stirred.
“Moui?” I asked weakly. I hadn't eaten in forever.
“Yes, its me. I'm here to save you.”
“Hungry..”
“And thirsty, yes?”
So that explained it. I had had a thirst no amount of water could kill.... I needed blood.
“Blood...”
“Here.”In the dim light, I could see Moui reach into her messenger bag and pull out a small vial. Moui tilted My head, than poured the contents of the vial down my throat.
All at once a warmth spread through me, and I felt stronger, but still a little dizzy in the head. I stood up slowly, still kinda shaky.
“Can we go?This place is scary.”
“You wouldn't believe how long it took me to find you. By the time I found you, I was so worried that you were dead, that I didn't care if I hurt anyone to find you. I-”
There was a sudden noise of crashing and clattering.
“We have to go NOW.”She whispered loudly, and helped her up.
They raced down halls, me tripping over almost everything. We barely made it out the security door before it closed.
“Nero might still be outside...I hope..” I heard Moui mutter.
“Nero?” I said sharply.
“Yes. I'm sorry.”She whispered. “He was almost dead. I had to save him.”
It was common knowledge that Moui and Nero had liked each other.
”I was taking a walk in the woods the morning of the raid, and I saw tons of vampires and humans running every where. I found Nero bleeding, almost dead in a ditch.”
“I took him and bit him.”Her voice was a quiet whisper now”I couldn't let him die, not like that. And once he was changed, I almost lost him. Jao-he was waiting to ambush me when I went to the village. They took Nero captive, and I rescued him then found out you were in trouble.”
She wiped a tear off her face.”I was to late to save you-”Her voice broke and she started crying.”Its okay.”I whispered, knowing it wasn't. I could hear voices from the guards coming.
“We have to get going.”I said, louder, leading Moui toward an exit. It was to late by them. There exits were blocked, and the only way out was through the duct work.
I tore the vent cover off, and looked at the dark hole it lead to for a minute, then shrugged and crawled into it. I heard Moui climb in after me and put the vent cover back where it belonged, and many footsteps.
There were a few shouts, but I was crawling so fast I didn't heard them after a while.

Thank you =^_^=
*bows