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 Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 7:21 pm
Alright...So I'm a little new at this, I've never really posted here before so...Let me know what you guys think please!
Why did you do it?
Why did you hurt me?
There is nothing left for us to be.
I thought you were different,
But my opinion changed.
Just gotta face the strange.
You said she was just another
Skimpy girl.
But what you really think
About her makes me want to hurl.
If you didn't love me,
Then why did you kiss me,
And hold me close?
I'm sick of all the lies.
I can only take so much pain.
I doubt you even remember my name.
So tell me.
Why did you do it?
Why..Why did you hurt me...?
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Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:46 am
I can definitely feel where you're coming from, but I don't like the rhyme. I think you were too focused on making sure that it rhymed, then ignored paying as much attention to the rest of it.
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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:00 pm
I agree with Lux.
You're trying a little too hard to ryhme. Ryhming is good in poetry, but not necessary.
I like the story line and I can see it developing and unfolding, but some of the lines of the poem are like stoplights. Stories developing, going fine and then you hit the red light, you have to process the thought and then you can continue on. Some times the stop lights are good, but in this case they're doing more damage then help in my opinion.
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:26 pm
Well now that I'm re-reading it, I do see where you guys are coming from, but the thing is, I wrote this probably, like, nine months ago, for one thing. And so my writing abilities have definitely increased since then. But also, I can not write a poem that doesn't rhyme, same with my songs. I hate poems & songs that don't rhyme. They're pointless, in my oppinion. But thanks for the friendly advice, really=]
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:24 pm
It's fine if you rhyme, Lux and I are just saying don't let the rhyming hinder what you want to convey.
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 12:46 pm
Don't you think it's a little shallow to hate things that don't rhyme? That's like the same as saying you hate filipino people just because they're filipino. If you don't like something, you need a reason, otherwise it's just prejudice and morally WRONG.
I dunno, maybe that's just me; because there is nothing or anybody that's really worse or better than anything or anybody else.
I guess not everybody feels that way, though.
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