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 Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 4:26 pm
This is totally my first posted work here, and my first posted work on Gaia in, what... six years? So anyway, this is a little ditty I call "The Escape" - you'll see why once you get to the end. wink Yeah, this is lyric poetry, but even though there's a music forum that says I could post it there, I feel that this is much better suited here. sweatdrop I would really like for some people to comment on this - I've noticed that not too many people post replies to poetry and stuff, but even if it's just a "Hey, I don't like how you used those words in this line, and here's why", that's fine. No need to go all overboard and analyze my psychological state when I wrote this or anything. Although if you did that, I'd be cool with that too. I wanna see what you think I was thinking about when I wrote this. I suggest reading this at whatever speed you usually read poetry (hopefully kinda slow), but then taking the choruses slower than that. If you don't get what I'm saying with this poem, don't hesitate to ask what something means or whatever. But anyway, here it is: The Escape
Emotion,
Barely withheld.
I want to dance on a hill and announce:
The sun is beaming
Down its golden spears laced with radiance;
I collect and reflect.
My thoughts
Reverberate, crying for release.
Happiness is my debasement.
~
(Chorus)
Emotion is a void,
Barely withheld from humanity.
I want to dance on a hill and announce
This is the body I have slaughtered.
~
Gloom takes all
Those who do… not
Feel the pleasures of this, this demon world.
Salivating fires
Consuming corpses of the righteous
Gruesome inventory
My life
Epitome of racks of Hell
Labor keeps me sane.
~
(Chorus)
Emotion is a void,
Barely withheld from humanity.
Epitome of racks of Hell
This is the body I have mangled.
~
~
~ ~ (bridge) ~ ~
~
~
So I plan
Escape from this,
Striding to-wards the only solution.
Fingers are twitching
For dark desire in a red release.
Sharpen knife and prepare.
My body
Sallies forth a complement of horse-men.
They hurry through the mountain pass.
~
(Chorus)
Emotion is a void,
Barely withheld from humanity.
Striding to-wards the only solution
This is the body that I corrupt.
~
Astonished
Messenger sees
Ringed walls of blood, note falls from his hand.
Wired reflexes
Swiftly bring mind from this horrendous scene;
Uniform must report.
My emotion was a void,
Pushing me away from humanity.
Too bad it ended awfully
Because this was the body
That could have been free.
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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 4:46 pm
Hehe I was listening to "Animal I Have Become" by Three Days Grace before reading this and I felt the tones went together pretty well.
My biggest complaint would be that you said debasement half way through the song. I felt I was understanding the song and where you were coming from, connecting it to my own life and then all of a sudden that came to a halt as I ran into a word I couldn't even begin to define.
On the third to last line, I feel that awfully fits the emotion and the imagery, but I feel that that word doesn't fit there. Does that make any sense? Like the meaning of the word belongs there, but the word doesn't. (Let's see if I can keep myself talking in circles >.< )
Overall, I love the imagery.
I love your choice of words that really brought almost another level of meaning to some of the lines like "My thoughts reverberate, crying for release."
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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:07 pm
Thanks for the sweet feedback - this is exactly the sort of thing I was looking for.
Oh, yeah. Well, it's made of roots, so I thought it wouldn't be a problem, but that's fine. Debasement: "to lower in quality, character, or value, as by adding cheaper metal to coins; adulterate" (thefreedictionary.com)
No, I totally understand what you're getting at, and I sort of thought the same thing when I was reading over it - I think it might be because it rhymes, when nothing else does. I might have put that in there specifically because it DOES rhyme (I wrote this a awhile ago, so I don't remember as well as I would like to ).
I frankly have no idea what to use instead of "awfully" - 'terribly' wouldn't work, and doesn't have the same sentiment as "awfully". Any suggestions, master writer? I have no idea. sweatdrop
Hey, thanks for the positive review - as much as I don't want to admit it, the ego boost feels quite nice.
Maybe I can have a quick tangent here - I had to put on Three Days Grace when I heard you were listening to it before reading this (I own the "One-X" and "Three Days Grace" albums), and yeah, it's pretty fitting. Do you listen to any other heavy rock/metal? I'm a metalhead myself (check out my pro for a few of my favorite bands), and always like to hear what bands other people are listening to.
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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:23 pm
Glad I could help smile
Oh okay I can see how that works, but in my opinion it just messes the thinking process. (Of course if you ask Priestess of Neptune or someone with a higher vocabulary I'm sure they'ld tell you it's fine)
A few of my favorites from thesaurus.reference.com
disgracefully, dreadfully, inadequately, incompletely, poorly, unforgivably, unpleasantly, wretchedly,
decidedly, desperately, discouragingly, gravely, horribly, unfortunately, unhappily
ego boosts are always good as long as you don't take it too far.
Yay for tangents!!! I actually don't usually listen to that heavy of metal. (I'm actually in the middle of an experiment where I went to playlist.com and put a bunch of japanese anime songs a playlist and have that playing while I read my textbooks. I figured if I don't have music I fall asleep, and when the music's in english I listen to the words instead of what I'm reading, and many times classical music leads me to day dreaming sweatdrop ) But staying with music groups, uhm I'm listening to a few songs from Crossfade, Pillar, and Linkin Park
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 4:47 pm
Yeah, thanks! Ooh, I really like "horribly", even though it's a pretty common word. It just has this feel to it, that makes my skin shiver, and reminds me of witches. I don't even know. But I'll try it out. Naw, don't worry. It was just nice to get at least one positive thing in my first submission. It's not that I'm addicted to getting rave reviews or anything. Oh nice, I can see how that works, and I understand exactly where you're coming from - I CANNOT get anything accomplished without some music - like, this semester I'm in a new drawing class, and we aren't allowed to listen to tunes while we draw. Now, I can understand that it might be distracting or whatever, but last semester, our TA was super cool and let us listen to music after about three periods of seeing how we behaved. So this semester, I'm sneaky and listen to my music anyway - shh! Don't let anyone know! I just work so slowly when I can hear other people talking rather than music. If you're looking for a few cool j-pop/k-pop artists, I've got a few on my computer: Yoko Kanno, Yoshihito Yano, Uttara-Kuru, Tsueno Imahori, Tsukasa Saitoh, Toshihiko Sahasi, Nobuo Uematsu, Masashi Hamauzu, Masahiro Ando, Kuniaki Haishima, Kokin Gumi, Junichi Nakatsuru, Hitoshi Sakimoto, Go Ichinose, and Asuka Sakai. Well, I guess that was more than a few whee . But anyway... I'm just going to keep quiet about those bands. You'll understand if I'd rather not say... things ninja . But no, everyone has their own taste in music, so it's totally cool. Mine's just a little outmoded... by about thirty or forty years sweatdrop . Anyway, here's edit 1 based upon your recommendations. The Escape [Kasi Karra edit]
Emotion,
Barely withheld.
I want to dance on a hill and announce:
The sun is beaming
Down its golden spears laced with radiance;
I collect and reflect.
My thoughts
Reverberate, crying for release.
Happiness is my degradation.
~
(Chorus)
Emotion is a void,
Barely withheld from humanity.
I want to dance on a hill and announce
This is the body I have slaughtered.
~
Gloom takes all
Those who do -- not
Feel the pleasures of this, this demon world.
Salivating fires
Consuming corpses of the righteous
Gruesome inventory
My life
Epitome of racks of Hell
Labor keeps me sane.
~
(Chorus)
Emotion is a void,
Barely withheld from humanity.
Epitome of racks of Hell
This is the body I have mangled.
~
~
~ ~ (bridge) ~ ~
~
~
So I plan
Escape from this,
Striding to-wards the only solution.
Fingers are twitching
For dark desire in a red release.
Sharpen knife and prepare.
My body
Sallies forth a complement of horse-men.
They hurry through the mountain pass.
~
(Chorus)
Emotion is a void,
Barely withheld from humanity.
Striding to-wards the only solution
This is the body that I corrupt.
~
Astonished
Messenger sees
Ringed walls of blood, note falls from his hand.
Wired reflexes
Swiftly bring mind from this horrendous scene;
Uniform must report.
My emotion was a void,
Pushing me away from humanity.
Too bad it ended horribly
Because this was the body
That could have been free.
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:26 pm
Yay I like it, though I do have one more question that I forgot to address (sorry I forgot it)
Are you going for an overly dramatic pause on the second line after the first chorus
"Those who do ... not Feel the pleasures of this, this demon world." ?
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:41 pm
Sweet, thanks.
Yeah, I was. Do you think I should take it out (this was written for death-growl vocals, so the pause was there for emphasis)?
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 6:22 pm
I think that that's one line that I'd have to hear before making a final decision on.
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:31 pm
Uh, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not gonna record this. I guess in terms of poetry, I'd be better off with an em-dash, but for singing, I still feel that the ellipsis is better. I guess I'll edit it for the poetry since that's what I'm calling it here xd *edited*
Why are you the only one who has given any feedback on this? Maybe my title isn't interesting enough or something. But thanks, though, it's been nice of you to spend some time with me on this. I appreciate it. Ha, it's been fun wink biggrin
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