|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 4:48 pm
Racism
Just because someone's different,
Doesn't mean they're made wrong.
Uneven eyes, brown or white skin,
It makes no difference at all.
Who made the rules that say different is bad?
We all have the same insides.
I was taught that that's what counts,
But people don't see it that way.
Different just brings frowns.
If you pay that much attention,
We're all different anyway.
If everyone looked exactly the same,
We'd all have pretty dull days.
It really makes no difference,
People find things wrong everyday.
If only there was more love in the world,
Then people would get along.
Different doesn't mean wrong.
Please. I don't feel this poem. Any suggestions?
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 6:07 pm
This is another one. I just wrote it. It's kind of cheesy, but I want to share it any way. I'll have you know, I never, never share my poetry with anyone so this is a big step for me.
Love, Sweet Love
Love, O love,
How can it possibly be?
Like a dove, O dove,
Sitting in a maple tree.
It flies, yes flies,
To the sky getting colder,
Until it eyes, yes eyes,
And settles on my shoulder.
I will caress, caress,
Its sweet, soft feathers.
And it will bless, yes bless,
Freely and never tethered.
Well? I'm in for constructive critizism.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 8:48 pm
Merenwen99 This is another one. I just wrote it. It's kind of cheesy, but I want to share it any way. I'll have you know, I never, never share my poetry with anyone so this is a big step for me. Love, Sweet LoveLove, O love, How can it possibly be? Like a dove, O dove, Sitting in a maple tree. It flies, yes flies, To the sky getting colder, Until it eyes, yes eyes, And settles on my shoulder. I will caress, caress, Its sweet, soft feathers. And it will bless, yes bless, Freely and never tethered. Well? I'm in for constructive critizism. ummm. It seems like you wanted to repeat words in a way that was supposed to work. Other than that your a pretty good poet
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 12:38 pm
Thanks, I don't usually like my work. The poem you quoted is really cheesy. I'm not sure I like it all that much, but I made it up on the spot. I'm glad you liked it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 2:26 pm
Merenwen99 This is another one. I just wrote it. It's kind of cheesy, but I want to share it any way. I'll have you know, I never, never share my poetry with anyone so this is a big step for me. Love, Sweet LoveLove, O love, How can it possibly be? Like a dove, O dove, Sitting in a maple tree. It flies, yes flies, To the sky getting colder, Until it eyes, yes eyes, And settles on my shoulder. I will caress, caress, Its sweet, soft feathers. And it will bless, yes bless, Freely and never tethered. Well? I'm in for constructive critizism. It is good, though the repettion seems alittle forced. And it isn't that chessy .... I've written worse.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 6:00 pm
Wow, I figured I'd get flamed for these. Gosh you people are nice.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Bookwyrm Vice Captain
|
Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 7:31 am
Merenwen99 Wow, I figured I'd get flamed for these. Gosh you people are nice.
Now, on to your poems... Your first poem on racism almost seems to carry the impression of "This was written as a school assignment." The whole thing seems really forced, and incredibly generalized. With a topic like racism, there are a lot of directions you can go in: You can keep it vague, or you can make it specific, focus in on a person, a group of people, and incident. It can be real, or made up. Just try to be consistant; you float between free verse prose to having a rhyme scheme.
As for your second poem, there's nothing wrong with love poetry. That always seems to be a bit cheesy, but that's because it deals with feelings that are often hard to express. You've used some traditional images, but used some new ones. I've never seen a maple tree used in a love poem; it's uaully willow, so it was nice. Your repitition seems forced, though, and the thoughts behind them half finished (?). It was like you were headed in one direction, but then abandoned it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:04 am
Merenwen99 RacismJust because someone's different, Doesn't mean they're made wrong. Uneven eyes, brown or white skin, It makes no difference at all. Who made the rules that say different is bad? We all have the same insides. I was taught that that's what counts, But people don't see it that way. Different just brings frowns. If you pay that much attention, We're all different anyway. If everyone looked exactly the same, We'd all have pretty dull days. It really makes no difference, People find things wrong everyday. If only there was more love in the world, Then people would get along. Different doesn't mean wrong. Please. I don't feel this poem. Any suggestions? It's too general, I think. Like Gypsy said. So, if you found a focus of some sort and stuck with it rather than just racism in general, you'd have a better grasp of the poem. Then, instead of using common words and phrases that fit awkwardly together, use a larger vocabulary that flows better together. Several words in this poem are repeated over and over, like 'different' and 'wrong'. This is usually something I avoid. I think that this poem makes a good rough draft though. Just take the same feelings and idea and better shape them into words that flow well. ^^ And your last line, I like the meaning you have to it and the impact, but again, the words are repetative and it isn't... well, pretty. Make it spiffier. You can't do it directly with how your poem is, but if you juststart from the top and work your way down, then the endig will be more flexible and you can change it. 3nodding I think the same can be said about your second poem also. Make it a process to make rough drafts like these and then go back and rewrite them. ^^
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:10 am
Thanks people. I'll work on these and will probably post the new versions when I get them.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:27 am
^__^ I'll be happy to see them.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2005 9:33 am
The poem on racism was a bit forced. The last line is used repeatedly, but if you use it to help tie things together and keep to one style, ie free verse or structured, the whole thing will flow better.
The second poem was nice too. I enjoyed it.
I'll be happy to see them when you've rewritten them, if you choose to share again.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 4:51 pm
The poem on racism... when I read it the first thought that came to mind was that it would actually make a pretty good paragraph or short story. Kind of like a stream of consciousness thing. Maybe you could take it in that direction if you're having a hard time with making it a poem?
If you definately want it to remain a poem, my suggestion is try to use different words that would make the lines flow better. A huge part of poetry is rhythm- unless the lack of rhythm is used to prove a point- and this poem does have rhythm, just it could be better. The content is very heart-felt and deep, which is very good for poetry. A bit of tweaking and it should be great!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 9:25 am
Thank you all for commenting on my work. I'm trying to let myself redo them, but I'm not in the right mood now to redo them. You can't write when you would be forcing it. That's one of the reasons I hate writing for school so much. I'm going to try and fix them so be patient.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:21 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:29 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
