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 Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 2:52 am
A not too outlandish poem about my old school.
School of Doom
The gates lock, there is no escape as school has started.
Thunderous roar, crack of the whip,
They are like the gates to hell but we are forced to walk though them everyday,
The Devil, the leader of the pack, staring ominously as school has started.
The vile beasts awakened, they are hungry for more,
Ready to pounce at anytime as school has started.
We feel like Christians in the lion's den,
We are trapped and afraid as school has started.
Everyday is the same.
Our story is told but it is not heard,
There is no hope as school has started.
And here we wait,
Waiting for the sweet school bus,
Coming for to carry us home.
It's not too far out beleive it or not. The last line is my favourate. You will understand if you've ever heard the song 'Sweet low Sweet Chariot'. (Yes it's a song sung by slaves on the platations before you ask)
Thank you for your time smile
P.S. Yes school really was that bad but you probably find it comical the way I put things yet I must stress I'm not being overly dramatic.
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Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:40 pm
gah, sorry for not getting to this earlier
To me, this does seem a little extreme, but then I can't judge something I've never seen.
I love the images that you put into the poem, but I feel that in some places they could be stronger.
The vile beasts awaken, they are hungry for more. You can't randomly switch tenses in the middle of a poem.
The line about the Christians in the lion's den brings to mind Daniel and the Lion's Den and that has a happy ending, so I would change that analogy to something that maybe doesn't have so great of an ending.
I can see that you are trying to emphasize that school has just started and the end is a long ways away, but the way that you use that repetition in this poem in my opinion doesn't emphasize the point, but instead makes the point duller and less interesting.
my favorite line of the poem would have to be "our story is told, but it is not heard,"
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