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 Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:01 am
I also need help coming up with a title for this poem. Also, when I ask fro critique, I don't want corrections in capitalization or punctuation. That stuff was done on purpose. Thank You.
So conceited
and full of yourself,
do you even hear
me when I speak?
Full of your opinions
closed off to the world,
do you ever consider
what I say?
Your smiling face
and your joyful laughter,
do you ever wish
that I was happy too?
You seem to be blind
and lack a certain thing,
do you even see me
when I’m calling out for you?
This world is so big
and full of great people,
do I just attract
the worst?
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Posted: Wed Mar 31, 2010 1:45 pm
I am beggared for time, so I shall be terse. Please discuss potential adulterations if you disagree or cannot reconcile my intent or rhetoric.
Edits:
--"So conceited/and full of yourself," - the primary line of this stanza is the singular line in the work which includes only two words, and is one of two premier lines amongst the stanzas which has only four syllables. Solutions are multifarious; potential panaceas might include altering your diction, or revising the syllable count/metering of each premier line.
--"and full of yourself,/...//.../Full of your opinions" - The word "full" has been used twice, and in the same function each time.
--"closed off to the world," and "This world is so big" - Ditto.
My opinion:
Your use of enjambment for the final two lines of each stanza following a line ended with a comma slows the speed of the poem. Consider whether you wish such a speed; I feel that your message is lost through the fragmentation that this causes.
The diction throughout the work does not follow the program, and offers little emotional investment. This is a poem about a negative consequence contrasted with a positive environment [please inform me if I am incorrect in this posit], yet I discern only five negative words (conceited, closed, blind, lack, worst). A few words in particular might be re-evaluated for a more complete amalgamation with the reader's empathy, such as full, smiling, joyful, happy, so big, and great. Note that these are all adjectives - adjectives are not a necessity to convey your message, but in poetry may be utilized with many fewer constraints than they may be in prose. Take advantage of this datum.
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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