Welcome to Gaia! ::

I'm trying to write a jpop song of my own but I dont have alot so I was wondering if you guys could help me out. Here's what I have so far;

Watashi wa onnanoko da. Watashi wa onnanohito ja nai. Anata wa otokonoko da. Anata wa otokonohito. Watashitachi wa kekkon dewa arimasen, ga kono michi. Kono michi, watashi wa genki! Aishiteru. Anata ga suki desu. Darling I love you.

If you don't speak Japanese here are the enlish lyrics;

I'm a girl, I'm not a woman. You're a boy, you're not a man. We're not married, but we'll walk along this road. We'll walk along this road, I'l be excited and energetic. I love you. I like you. Darling I love.

Recommendations are accepted in in english and Japanese, if the recommendations are in english I can translate them and change them up a bit so they rhyme.
oshiete kudasatte arigatou! whee

You have some Japanese errors. =3

'Da' is a very abrupt end to a sentence, and in most songs, they leave it out (unless they need it for a rhythm thing). It comes off as sounding like two unrelated sentences. You might want to try 'Watashi wa onna no ko kedo, mada onna no hito janai. Anata wa otoko no ko kedo, mada otoko no hito janai.' Then you get 'I'm a girl, but not yet a woman; you're a boy, but not yet a man'. It flows better.

Also, you don't need to have the subject (in this case, I/you) more than once. Once you've established what/whom you're speaking about, it's assumed the following sentences also apply, until you explicitly state a change in subject.

'Watashitachi wa kekkon de wa arimasen' means more like 'we don't have a marriage'. It's not really correct. You're looking for 'kekkon shinai', AKA 'not married'. For the noun, 'kekkon' (marriage) to become a noun, you have you add 'suru' (to do). The plain negative of suru is shinai.

'Kono michi' just means, 'this road', so you would need the verb 'aruku', to walk. So to be grammatically correct, the line would be 'Watashitachi wa kekkon shinai ga, kono michi wo aruiteiru'. 'We're not married but, we're walking this road'.

'Watashi wa genki' just means 'I'm energetic!', so 'watashi wa genki ni naru' (I'll become energetic) may work better.

Lastly, the 'anata ga suki desu' is a little redundant; most people don't really use the 'anata ga'. In keeping with the plain form, the 'desu' would change to 'da'. So you get 'suki da', but since you're telling him you love him, why not go all the way? Add a 'yo' for emphasis! ;D


So in Japanese, it would be：

私は女の子けど、まだ女の人じゃない。あなたは男の子けど、まだ男の人じゃない。私たちは結婚しないが、この道を歩いている。この道を歩いている、私は元気になる。愛してる。好きだよ。

Watashi wa onna no ko kedo, mada onna no hito janai. Anata wa otoko no ko kedo, mada otoko no hito janai. Watashitachi wa kekkon shinai ga, kono michi wo aruiteiru. Kono michi wo aruiteiru, watashi wa genki ni naru. Aishiteru. Suki da yo.



You don't have to use my suggestions, I just thought it would help if the Japanese was altered a bit to sound more natural. ;D