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Today I was teaching the haiku form to my senior students and asked for a topic in order to show them an example of a haiku. They gave me the topic 'tsunami' and this was the haiku I wrote:

Ripped apart, it roars
The Earth bleeds life, asunder
Rising, falling death

Obviously this was a quick attempt, but I thought I'd ask for some erudite opinions anyway. I thought I'd say "bleeds life" because water, after all, is life.

For a quick attempt, this sure seems as if it's thought-out. smile

Haiku is one of my favorite kinds of poetry to read, although I always get kinda irritated when I see all of these haikus about stuff other than nature. I mean, really - why? crying Plus it doesn't really help that Haiku doesn't translate into American so well in the first place. Okay, I'll stop ranting now. xd

But anyway, You definitely got the structure there, and I like how you didn't do any rhyme, even internal rhyme. It's good to see poetry without rhyme. Although I kinda got my hopes up when I read the first line and saw this alliteration, then was disappointed to not see any more. Oh well. Maybe you could do more of that in a future edit? mrgreen

Also, I'm not really sure why you tacked on "asunder" there in the middle. I know what your meaning is when you use it, and that it's probably grammatically correct, but it seems kinda...non sequitur. It's like your syntax was forced or something, I dunno. Although this really wouldn't sound as good with "asunder" in the beginning of that line, it still seems a little... out-of-place? surprised

@Fiat Lux Aeterna:

The "asunder" was put there to retain the rhythm -- it's iambic, apart from having one extra syllable. I see your concern, but it is grammatically sound, as you said. My decision was both semantic and meter-prompted.

Please follow the guidelines of posting etiquette.

For the amount of time spent on this (if you were teaching, then likely a maximum of fifteen minutes of applied thought - the diasporitization of a singular purpose is often enervating whilst I attempt to disseminate any particular lesson - consistency betwixt action and thought is oft difficult, and beggars one's energy to attempt them concurrently over a lengthier Δt), the poem is quite lucid, and concordant with the program. The use of synesthesia is admirable. You have also aptly juxtaposed life and death within the same subject.

I shall refrain from making any suggestions, as it seems to do so would be inadvisable based upon the apparent receptiveness for postulation.

Please follow posting etiquette- reference "When no notation is needed"; the link is extant in my previous post.

I commend you for your ability to improvise.

Perhaps I have been precipitous in judging. I speak to others as I posit that they would wish to be spoken to - as individuals who garner respect as adults, with lofty noetic capacity, if occasionally with a self-respect that may induce them to belie this, and who find a simple diction fulsome and demeaning. The American language is an inimitable vehicle for writing, even with its foibles; I find that even expatiating in English evokes an effervescent emotion - I enjoy it.

I extol the notion that if one believes they cannot compose an epistle of arcane diction, then, as with any form of artifice, improvement will prove to be finite. This is akin to playing a sport with an athlete of one's own caliber, contrasted with playing with one with the ability to foment one's own technique, that both may be availed by the exercise. To employ a bromide, I attempt to "lead by example".

I apologize if I seem highfalutin, or perhaps endowed with a surplus of buckram. However much I am reconciled to the notion that each individual maintains their own opinion, I am saturnine that ours seem to be polar.

Please note also that I am not trying to be bellicose. Thus, I offer this quote by Benjamin Disraeli, which I anticipate that you shall prepossessing: