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Reply Original Art & Writing
A few original Writings.

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herro-ghost

PostPosted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 10:18 am


1.Touch

Surrounded by the chilling touch of loneliness, I stand with my lazy head starring at the ground, my eyes, grey and lifeless, take in the same old image that they've always have.

I am slowly deteriorating, my body fading away with each second. Just as I am about to lose myself, my fingers catch the faint tinge of warmth.

What is this?

Her fingers are wrapped around mine. I am overwhelmed with curoisty and my eyes betray me, lifting away from the ground, what they see next could of never been predicted. A loving smile. Her smile. It's contagious, I feel the curl of my lips, as they now betray me, breaking their frozen imprisonment.

My fingers get greedy and take her entire hand in mine, the warmth crawling up my arm. She giggles, her laugh reminding me of wedding bells, I'll marry this girl.

She takes my other hand in hers and our eyes meet for the first time. That curious warmth pumping in my chest, growing more and more intense with each passing second. As my whole world changes around me, my eyes fill with color, seeing the real truth of this life.

The chill of loneliness is just a distant memory to me now, She's brought sunlight to my dark world, and for that I am forever grateful, I love her. I love her smile, her warmth, her touch.

2.Spring [Revised]

The rising sun brings joy to my eyes
As winter's icy grip melts away.

With each day the sun's gentle touch
Brings familiar life back to this dead world.

The daughters of last year's garden show
Their childish smiles.
The son of the rabbit grows feisty and anxious
Wanting to be free from his dark home.
To find love.

As once the days flew by like scared birds,
They now perch their tired wings on the lively branches
Enjoying the beautiful warmth of spring.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 11:33 am


| Streu mir Sand in meine Augen... |

~*~

Is everything above Spring one poem, or is it 2 separate
ones? I'll assume it's one for now, but at first I did think
there were 3.

1. Touch

Touch has a lot of very beautiful imagery, but it does not
resemble a poem in style or format. It seems like an exerpt
(or an entire) short story. As a short story, it's gorgeous.
As a poem, it leaves much to be desired. If I were to rate
Touch as a short story, it would be received well (8/10),
but in comparison, as a poem it would only score 2/10.


2. Spring

Spring is a much better example of poetry, but incorrect
punctuation is lines 5 and 6 make the piece hard to
understand. Line 5 should be "The daughters of last year's
garden show" and I'm not sure what is meant by "The
son's of the rabbit", but it should be either "The sons of
the rabbit" or the "The son of the rabbit". If the latter,
then "their" in the following line would have to be changed
to reflect the singular. Grammar errors in the last 3
lines also add some confusion, but the imagery itself
is strong enough to carry the poem. If you fix the noted
mistakes, then the poem will really be quite beautiful. (:

-------------------------------------------------

Note: the above is all constructive criticism, meant to
help you grow as a poet and create amazing work. My
comments are not meant to come across as cruel or rude.
We cannot better ourselves if we do not know where we've
gone wrong, and that's why I try to focus on where your
work needs improvement. It's all for your personal benefit.

~*~

| ...und weck mich nie wieder auf! |

The Wayward Star

Dangerous Explorer


herro-ghost

PostPosted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 12:13 pm


I actually really appreciate the criticism.
They are two separate writings. Touch and then Spring.

When I sat down to write Touch, my intentions were for a poem, but instead I got a prose. It's a bit lengthy but I couldn't live with taking away from what I felt. So I just left it. I guess, I should change the topic title, for I plan to add more of my material which isn't all poetry.

In Spring, the line "The sons of the rabbit" was a desperate attempt to connect with "The daughters of last year's garden." I was aiming for an universal family tone there. I just thought of a rabbits because they mate a lot.

I've made some revisions to spring.

Thank you for looking at my writings and I'm glad you enjoyed them.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 5:23 pm


I'm liking the changes to Spring, but the last few lines
still don't strike me as being grammatically correct.

The problem, for me, comes from that one, little word you
have stick at the beginning of the 3rd last line: as.

What you have written is: "As once the days flew by like
scared birds, they now perch their tired wings on the
lively branches". The first half of this (the part before
the comma) and the second half (everything after the
comma) contradict each other.

By using the word "as" in that first half, you are implicitly
stating that the days continue "to fly like scared birds",
even now. Immediately afterwards however, you write
that the days are no longer flying by, but are instead
"perched", rather motionless. Do you see what I mean?

To correct this offending statement, simply remove
that "as", and I'd recommend changing "they now
perch" to: "but now they perch". The last lines would
then read as follows:

"Once the days flew by like scared birds,
But now they perch their tired wings on the lively branches
Enjoying the beautiful warmth of spring."


EDIT: Oh, by the way, this is Wayward. xD

Ashley from Evil Dead

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Original Art & Writing

 
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