Pre Note: All of this can be expanded upon. You’ve got the basics down, now build on them. Hopefully, the notes in the body of the text will be able to give you a direction to start with.
My breath formed hazy clouds around my head as I grumbled and growled to the trees surrounding me. The creaking and popping of limbs and the crunching of working feet was the only sound in
this white world.
Describe more than just the trees and the snow. Is she in an orchard? In the forest collecting wild fruits and vegetables in the forest? Is she alone, are there others working with her? You can easily expand this to include more detail about what is happening and what scenery is around your main character.
I bolded the word “this” for a reason. The word “this” makes the sentence more choppy than it has to be. Editing the first paragraph and expanding it to include more information about the season, the time of day, etc will help you fix this particular problem.
Scrunching up my nose, I blew onto my thinly gloved hands in an effort to keep warm. Making us work in this cold is madness. Even the ice-plums are half frozen!
Suddenly, I felt a large presence behind me as my thin shadow was engulfed by that of a large creature with a mop of unkempt hair.
Again, editing the first paragraph into a few longer, more detailed paragraphs could eliminate the need for the above two paragraphs at all. The way you have it now, everything just seems rough and choppy, like bits and pieces of things that like to pretend they fit together. When editing, try to make things blend more.
"Stop making such ugly faces, and get to work! You don't want Momma to find you
slakin' slackin’, do you?" As John's monstrous grin filled my view, his horrid breath sent me into a coughing fit. I stepped back and did my best to seem scared.
Why is your main character pretending to be scared? John needs a better description, and your main character’s emotions need to be portrayed in a “bigger” way and explained a bit better.
"I don't understand," I said with a look of confusion, "I was working. That's why my basket is so full."
"Well," the giant stopped as if he couldn't think of what to say. "Well, get back to work!" The big oaf seemed proud of his comments and walked away snickering to himself.
What an idiot, I thought.
Again (I’m probably going to mention this a lot) you need to expand and blend. Explain your main character’s disdain for John, explain how John’s an overseer of some sort (at least, that’s the way I’m reading it – if I’m wrong, you need to explain his position better) and maybe make the hint that he’s not too bright just a bit shinier in the text.
The way you’ve got the first chapter set up, I see an attempt to set up the story. When I look at the collective chapter, I almost see a script instead of a story. You focus on dialogue more than the storytelling and while that’s not a bad thing, it really hinders you in the beginning of a story because it portrays a sense of novice, poor writing to the readers.
I always recommend to edit in private at least twice before showing it to anybody, let alone posting it on the internet.
After I was done harvesting the winter crops, I made my way from the back orchards to the solid wooden house in the center of the property. Along the way, I had to cross the many man-made rivers that criss-crossed the land before flowing into the large lake behind the house.
These water features are the only reason we were able to survive the large drought last summer. “Those water features were the only reason we were able to survive the drought last summer.” Make sure you keep your past tense and present tense in check. Write all in past tense, or all in present tense; mixing both will not end well for you.
Expand, expand, expand. Add some details about the history of the land she’s on, add some details about the surrounding areas and the kingdom she’s in. By this point, especially in the first chapter, it should be obvious that she’s not in England or America, but in a fantasy land. If you rely on the “chapter titles” to portray the land titles, you’re going to miss out on a lot of chances to be creative with the land, and you’re probably going to tweak the noses of your readers.
As I reached the end of the last bridge, the sound of laughing reached my ears. My eyes slowly followed the noise until I saw a small group of children playing knights and dragons under the watchful gaze of their nannies. The older guardians' eyes locked onto mine while they methodically started to gather their little charges. Before I could even cross the dirt courtyard, the children
where were herded, whimpering, inside.
Closing my eyes, I let out a slow breath. What am I, a disease? I kicked the dirt and continued on my to the servants quarters.
By this point, you’ve established that your main character is the narrator. As the narrator, she can explain things to the audience, like who she is, where she came from, and why everybody hates-slash-fears her.
The audience needs to know these things. Don’t assume that the audience will be able to look into your brain and see exactly what you were trying to infer, or even continue reading the story to find this information out later. The first chapter will set things up so that people can understand the events that follow it.
Most of the workers sleep in the two separate rooms attached to the main building. The rooms contain three long rows of beds, packed so tightly together that it is almost impossible to walk around without bumping into something or someone. I find this very irritating since I was stuffed next to the open window in the back.
Again, watch the tense. You’re writing in the present tense when the majority of your text is in the past tense.
I had somehow managed to navigate my way across the maze of beds to lay down when I heard a cry from across the house.
"Urch!" Her grating voice sends chills down my spine. Stumbling back across the room, I walked the long decorated hallway to the farmer's bedroom. I could feel the eyes watching me from dark corridors and voices thick with disdain.
"What did she do this time?" One was saying. "I bet she's going to get slapped," another replied, as all of them laughed.
Details. Describe the house, the corridors she’s walking through. What’s on the walls? Can the character name the pictures by heart because she’s walked down them so often? Does she barely notice them because she’s always running down the corridor to get to her mistress?
Because you’ve written this story in the first person, you automatically get more ways to build up the character from whose perspective you’re writing. Adding in their reactions, their likes and dislikes, to their immediate surroundings can show the reader so much more than just saying “she was bored” or “she was restless and angry”.
The farmer's wife's perfume stuck to the room like flies to honey and the large domineering furniture added to the gloom. Thick faded curtains matched the Lady's worn red dress, and gave the room the look of a monster's lair. This place is famous for making unknowing guests faint, and all the workers on the farm dread to enter.
"Come here dear," the woman called with her poisonous voice, "I want to have a little talk."
"Yes m'am," I replied drowsily. A wave of perfume washed over me as the Lady of the house approached. Christopher, her lanky husband, stayed seated as usual.
"You seem to have a problem with following directions, my dear," she casually commented, and as quick as a viper, she grabbed my chin with such a strength that I could only squeak with pain.
"I think you need a little lesson is manners, girl." I braced myself for retribution and was not disappointed. She slapped my face until my cheeks were as red as her velvet dress.
Description, description, description. Add more. You can do it, I know you can. Is the farmer’s wife fat? Is she dressed in what used to be a costly dress before she wore it out? Is she a former noblewoman who tried to marry for love, and then hated the downsize in rank and station and now resents her place? You’ve got so many options – pick one of them and write it in.
"We took you in, fed and clothed you, but what do we get in return? Snide remarks and never ending complaints!" The red fury on her face took on a purple hue as her anger flooded over me.
I'm dying! She's finally going to kill me!
Yes, description. Describe the room. The main character isn’t going to just stand there and let herself get hit, she’s going to fight and try to struggle away; she’s going to look for escape routes and maybe help. A young woman is stronger and more nimble than an aging farmer’s wife and that should show.
I almost didn't see the farmer move. He got up from his creaky rocking chair, and his thin, calloused hands moved as if to stop his wife; but before he could cross the room, we heard yelling from the hall.
"No sir! The Master and Mistress are busy and will not see anyone!" The voice sounded like Betty the maid.
You’re telling, not showing. The voice sounded like Betty the maid. Your main character is getting beaten and fears for her life; make it more known that your main character is concerned about Betty either staying away or coming to the room. Question the yelling more. Raised voices carry in feudal-era houses.
"I don't care what your Mistress says!" The stranger's frantic reply was punctuated by a large crash and the sound of Betty's scream. The bedroom door was thrown open, and I could see Betty lying on the ground amidst broken pottery.
"Who do you think you are, pushing our maids into expensive vases? At least have the decency to avoid the pottery."
Dropping on one knee, the stranger bowed his head to the Lady. "Lady Prudence, I am extremely sorry for the sudden intrusion but I have grave tidings." The man raised his head and looked strait into Prudence's hooded eyes, "The Kind is dead."
The Lady dropped me in her surprise, and I took the chance to scramble to the other side of the room. Normally I would run away, but this stranger carried strange news.
"The King… dead?" her jaw dropped and surprise covered her face. "But… why? How could this happen?"
"The exact cause is currently unknown, but the doctors suspect that his illness finally caught up with him." The messenger's face wore a look of worry and sadness, but I could see something else hidden beneath his icy blue eyes.
After the Lady's shock subsided, the severity of the situation dawned on her. I watched as the pink of her face, all that was left of her former madness, faded into a pale sickly yellow. Then an amazing thing happened. Lady Prudence, bane of my existence, fainted.
I see the farmer’s wife as a greedy woman who craves power – have you ever seen Ever After with Drew Barrymore? Lady Prudence reminds me of the evil stepmother, with a desire for power far above her station and a foul temper and a foul disposition towards the servants. I’m also reading into it pretty heavily and making a lot of assumptions, which means that you need to make Lady Prudence’s character more defined and clear.
In regards to the farmer, I want to see more of him. A lot more. Why is he trying to stop his wife from hitting the main character? Is he kindly towards the servants? Does he find the main character attractive and doesn’t want his wife to hurt her pretty face?
The stranger should get more description.
I’m curious as to why a farmer and his wife (even with a substantial amount of land) would warrant a kneeling bow. In early England, it was an offense punishable by the hangman’s noose to kneel to any but the Royal Family. I know this isn’t based in England, but it still bugs me, and it’ll probably bother any die-hard historians who read this – I’d recommend changing it to a deep bow instead of a kneeling bow; it still shows deference to station, but doesn’t go so far to assume she’s royalty, especially since she’s not dressed in jewels and finery as most high-ranking noblewomen are.
I'll probably do a chapter a day, maybe one every two or three days depending on how things are going in my personal life.
But everything I've written down in regards to Chapter One can almost be applied to all the chapters. Expand, add detail, and watch your tenses.
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