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Well, it helps to have a common repetoire with the other people. Everyone should make some attempt to learn the others' songs, or else be capable of ad-libbing and playing along to something new on the spot. It may not be acceptable in all groups, but it might help to bring along some copies of sheet music of something you'd like to play with the group. Maybe you can correspond ahead of time to find out what songs you all know, and also what songs people would really like to play, so you can prepare the songs you don't know in advance. Out of curiosity, what kind of music do you generally play in your jam sessions?

Hm. Well, ask them the names of what songs they like to play. Maybe you can find free sheetmusic for it online. Or if they're playing Hendrix, you can probably find that sort of thing in some music stores, if you're having problems playing by ear. Personally, I jam with Celtic tunes, and there's a gazillion sources for free sheetmusic, recordings, etc. online, so it might be easier for me to access materials, since copyrights are rarely an issue.