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 Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 5:47 pm
So, this is an original story I wrote. It's on my Deviant art as well. I'm not sure if it's any good, but w/e. It's a short-story but it has chapters. 4 of them. xD (there's maybe ten pages?)
Um, some of the chapters have some sexual themes so I guess I'll edit those parts out and leave the link to it at the bottom of that chapter since I don't want to scar anyone or anything. Though you might be scarred by the crack-ness of my first chapter and the over dramatic-ness of the last one....
Summary of Fail:
Dudes a dramatic drag queen. Need I say more?
Fine, he's overly dramatic and thinks he's in love with this one chick and has been for several years.
There, happy?
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 5:55 pm
Alyosha: Prelude. (aka prologue)
From the moment I saw her, I'd known we'd be together.
I don't know why, but after the first time I'd seen her---I hadn't even known her name---- I could picture us together.
I still long for her, to feel her lips against mine, to bite down on her throat, to hold her in my arms. I see her everyday, she's my closest friend. The first friend I ever had. The first girl I kissed. The first girl I had to restrain myself with. It was because of her that I learned to restrain myself. Now I do it because I have to, for she is no longer mine. She is not his, she belongs to no one.
Perhaps that's better for her---- even if it's hard on me. I don't know. I'd rather her be happy than hurt her--- again.
I don't know why I did it, I guess it was because I didn't feel right. I had this strong feeling that my time was almost up. That everything would end. So in order to save the added pain, I broke it off.A small part of me did die that day---but now it's back. I tried to keep away from her altogether--- but when you love someone, you always do. I'm back by her side once more, shoving down my feelings for her, because it's not right to force them on her. She doesn't want my feelings.
I want hers, I want her completely. She's all I think about. I can't think about anything else---I forget to eat, I'm not hungry for food. I want sleep---all I dream about is her. I am obsessed. I know I can't have her, but does that mean I can't dream?
I tried to get my mind off of her, you know. I dated other people, telling myself that I liked them, not her. Then I got sick of lying to myself, and I told her how I felt.
She told me she was done with boys.
A few days later, she was after another boy.
As much as I hate to see her with someone else, I will let her go. She will never be mine, she might be his, though. I guess I'm fine with that. Maybe they'll find love, and maybe they'll get married. And I'll be standing in the distance, wondering how that happened, because now I've lost a friend.
I don't want to ruin our friendship, but that doesn't mean I won't keep loving her. I want to tell her every time I see her. Every time I talk to her, I hold down the words waiting to burst out of my mouth. Swallow them away, where they pester me and stab at me. Why can't I say it? I've said it before, a million times.
There are a million ways to say it, in several languages. I could write it down, if I so wished. I could tell her over the computer, or over a text. Or I could give into my impulse, lessen my restraint, and tell her. I'm with her enough. I could simply tell her, whisper it in her ear. But I don't. Because I'm a coward.
I'm not afraid of rejection; I welcome pain. I love to feel pain, physical and emotional. I don't know why I'm so afraid to tell her.
Maybe it's because deep down, I'm afraid of her saying "I love you too," without knowing what I mean. Not knowing that I mean more than as a friend, more than simply caring. I want her to know that these feelings have not faded.
I want her to know that I will take down all her enemies, if she so wishes. If she wants them gone, but doesn't want me, I will break them the fun way--- make them love me, and then break them. Leave them beyond repair. Make them hate me. Make them take it all out on me, not her. I'm a horrible person, because I don't want other people. I am a black hole of hate---I will take it all in. Soon even she will hate me, and that will be fine with me. Because by that point, I will be so far gone, that no one will matter to me but her. And to protect, I must love, and to love, I must give in to my dark side. I must loose control, and let it all come flowing out, all the built up anger and all the hate I've absorbed from others. And I will take it out on the biggest threat to her safety---me.
I said she'd be the end of me.
I meant it. I meant it completely and fully.
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 6:12 pm
Alyosha: Only the Beginning. (aka chapter 1)aprrox. 12 pages
I pulled her into me, lifting her chin up, pressing my lips to hers.
Then I realized what I had done, and let her go, stepping back.
"I'm sorry," I said, my voice shaky. "I'm really sorry---I didn't mean to..."
I flinched, waiting for her to hit me. I deserved it.
But she didn't hit me. She just looked at me, eyes unreadable in their darkness.
I sunk to the floor, not believing it. What had happened? I used to have so much restraint. Why wasn't she responding?
She walked away, the same blank expression on her face. I watched her go, wanting nothing more than to run after her. I didn't though, because I was pretty sure she'd never talk to me again.
I stood up, and my feet carried me to her. I couldn't keep myself from going to her. I'd become so attached, she had become my first priority.
I couldn't find her. Which most likely meant she was in the bathroom.
I walked into the bathroom, glad that no one had been around. I saw her shoes immediately from where the stall wall ended.
"Kailey, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"Alyosha, this is the girls bathroom. Get the ******** out."
"Hey, I don't want to be in here, but I really don't want you to hate me." I said, flinching slightly at the hostile tone of her voice.
I heard her inhale sharply. "I don't hate you, Alyosha. I just don't like you."
"Why? You used to like me."
"....I like someone else now."
"What? Why didn't you tell me?!" I said, slamming my body into the stall door, because I'm weird that way.
"Because I didn't want you to get hurt...."
"Aww come on! I'mma man! I can take it! Who is itttt?"
"You don't know him...."
"I don't care, I just want a name to despise."
"No, Alyosha, just--just GO THE ******** AWAY!"
I opened my mouth to retaliate, but closed it again. Nothing I could say would fix this. It would be better if I just left.
So I walked out of the bathroom, into the men's bathroom, where I belonged. I looked into the mirror.
I couldn't help the smile that twisted my lips, the ugly laughter that escaped my throat. I felt my fist slam into the wall, with enough force to shatter the bones. I felt no pain, only a giddiness. What sickness is this, that I feel so happy?
I don't know when I got home that day, or how, for that matter. I didn't recall ever leaving that bathroom, I didn't remember driving home. All I remembered was that I needed to get my hand fixed. I looked down at it. It was treated. When did that happen?
My life was slowly slipping away from me. Minutes here and there.
Minutes soon became hours and hours became days.
I sat down at dinner, with my mother. We were at a restaurant----I'm not sure when this happened. There was enough noise here. I let out a deep breath.
"Mother, I think there's something wrong with my head."
She rolled her eyes.
"I can't remember anything."
She wasn't listening, flipping nonchalantly through the desert pictures.
"Mum, I have a kid."
She paused, staring at me.
"Now that I've you're attention," I said, nodding satisfactorily. "I need to know what I've done to piss you off lately."
"You have a kid? With who?"
"Whom. No, mother, I don't have a child. I was merely trying to capture your attention."
"Whatever. Do the damned dishes. Get better grades."
"I've said nothing to piss you off lately?"
"You don't talk to me, Alyosha."
"No, I suppose I don't."
Clearly she wasn't going to help me. I was alone in this after all.
The waitress walked up, asking us what we wanted. I ordered pancakes, because that's what I always ordered.
She winked as she walked off. Which would have been great, if she wasn't thirty. I like older women, don't get me wrong, but thirty was just....ew. She was almost twice my age. I shuddered. That thought was ruining my appetite.
Now I was kinda afraid to drink my tea....what if she put date rape in it? Then again, I couldn't see her being able to get away with dragging a sixteen year old unconscious boy out of this place. That would only attract a lot of attention. Especially since I was currently in a dress.....why was I wearing a dress? This was definitely something to ponder. Heh, ponder. What a funny word. Wait..... what the hell? Why am I thinking about this?
I looked around. I had an empty plate....when did that happen? Gotta stop thinking so much while I eat....
I pulled my phone out of my coat pocket. Not that I'd been texting anyone lately..... but a man could dream couldn't he?
I was at home, laying on the couch, like I usually did when my mum was on the computer. My phone was on my stomach. She was bitching about people, I was tuning her out with the song that lived in my head. Like elevator music, only more amazing. My stomach was vibrating. I grabbed my phone, looking at it. A call. It was Kailey.
Kailey.
I pressed talk. Answered with a chipper hello. Then I realized that this wasn't actually a phone call. It was totally a butt dial, because I was the first person in her phone. And because secretly her phone loves me. It so does. Even if she hates me.
I listened anyways, because I'm such a creeper. What was that noise? I plugged my other ear. It was sobbing. Desperate sobbing. Kailey's special brand of it. She was saying no, and please stop. What was going on?
I stood up. Ended the call, and walked out the front door. Then walked back in, because I kinda need keys to unlock and start the car. Kinda.
Then I walked out to my car, and flew out of the driveway and down the street, towards Kailey's house. There was no one there. That didn't mean much, since Kailey couldn't drive. I ran up to the window and looked in. I could hear her.
I pulled out the key to her house from under the flowerpot. Unlocked the door. It was chained. I growled, and did a roundhouse kick. Sorta. In reality I got my foot caught on the chain and my weight broke it as I squirmed to get my foot free while squealing like a scared little girl, because that's how skilled I am. Either way, I was in. I followed the noise into Kailey's room.
My worst enemy, her boyfriend. He was completely oblivious to my presence. Kailey was crying no from underneath him, fighting him as he tried to undress her. I tapped him gently on the shoulder. He tensed and turned around.
I punched him in the face, hard enough to feel the crunch of his nose, the sickening noise making me giddy. I grabbed him by the collar of the shirt, and hit him, again and again in the stomach. The laughter swelled out of me, high pitched and excited. I couldn't stop. The adrenaline coursed through my veins, making me stronger with every hit. I grabbed his face, and slammed his head into the wall.
Then I seemed to get bored or something, because I stopped. Dropped his wretched body, the laughter gone, my face back to normal. I turned to Kailey. She was frozen on her bed, staring at me.
"Next time, delete me from your phone, Kailey." I said, and dragged her boyfriend by the hair out of the house. I threw him in the backseat. Took him home, left him on the front steps, and wrote a letter.
Sorry to just dump him here like this, but I've got to clean up the mess he's made. Teach your god damned kid the meaning of no, before I kill him for attempting to rape another girl. I suggest taking him to the hospital, I slammed his skull into a wall and he spat up blood at one point. Thank you for not educating your children, I really do hope you all learn a lesson from this.
I drove back to Kailey's, she was still on the bed, frozen. Her shirt was ripped down the center, her jeans undone. I re-buttoned her jeans, pulled her ripped shirt off and gave her mine. Tears were flowing out of her eyes, she was still unresponsive otherwise. I laid her down on the bed, petting her head gently until she fell asleep. I latched onto her, and closed my eyes.
"Kailey? Are you here?" A woman's voice called from the front door. Kailey was still asleep, curled into my chest instinctively. I heard the woman's footfalls growing closer. "Oh," she said, surprised. "Hello, Alyosha. I haven't seen you around lately."
It was Kailey's mother.
"You know me, I'm so valiant, I just had to come save your precious daughter's purity." I said, voice low.
"What are you talking about?"
"Her d**k of a boyfriend tried to rape her. I beat him into a pulp and took him home. Came back because Kailey isn't exactly a prison b***h."
"I-is she?"
"She's fine. Asleep. I'll deal with her when she wakes up. I'll clean up the blood too. Don't worry. I live for this kinda thing."
"Bl-blood?"
"I got a little carried away. Don't worry, he was still alive when I left him on his porch." I took a deep breath. "And because I can read minds, I'll answer that question too. I'm not going to touch your daughter. She has to be pure for me when we get married."
"You can't marry her, you're sixteen! You're not even dating her."
I swung my arm back to point at her. "You, ma'am, are what we call a pessimist. Quit raining on my parade of sunshine and lollipops. She will be mine."
I could feel the whatever and eye roll as Kailey's mom walked off. It seems that every time I come over here we have some weird discussion about me marrying Kailey. And considering I've known Kailey since I was five, one would think I'd have her mother's approval by now.
Kailey stirred, making a small whimper noise. She stretched slightly, her face only inches away from mine.
Oh geez.
I fought down my temptations. Swallowed hard. Her body was pressed against mine.
"Kailey," I said, voice soft.
Her eyes flicked open. "Alyosha?"
She didn't seem to notice that she was way too close.
"Um, uhhhhhhhhhh," why couldn't I say it? I was sure by now I was turning red.
"O-oh!" She rolled away from me, seeming way too chipper for someone who was nearly raped.
I stood up, hugging her gently from where she lay on the bed still. "What would you like for dinner, my sweet?"
"W-what?"
"It's seven at night, you have slept since noon. You need food."
"I can get my own food, Alyosha."
"We both know that you're incapable of making anything other than popcorn. What do you want?"
She stuck her tongue out at me. It was like nothing had ever happened. Like we'd never broken up two years ago.
"I want......." She thought for a second, eyes studying me. "Your coat."
I looked down at my red velvet pirate-king coat. "You can't eat this, Kailey. You'd get sick."
"Fine......french toast, then."
I kissed her on the forehead, and set off to the kitchen. I came back into her room with a plate of french toast ten minutes later.
"You're not eating?"
"No, babe, I gotta go soon. Mum'll get all bitchy."
"Can I come with?"
I mulled this over in my head. "Yes, I suppose that would be best for you. First I must clean your boyfriend's blood off the wall----please tell me you intend to dump him, yes?"
"Jake? Yeah, I dumped him already."
"Then why was he here?"
She shrugged. So she probably dumped him while he was over here. Which meant they'd most likely had a fight, and he wasn't winning.
I cleaned the blood off the wall. She finished her toast, and put on her converse. I pulled on my combat boots.
"Julia, I'm taking your daughter for the night. You can have her back when she wants to come back home." I yelled, towards Kailey's mother's room.
"Okay, use protection."
Ahh, Julia. Gotta love her sense of humor.
I drove us to my house, sneaking Kailey into my room. My mom came down the stairs, and began yelling at me for being gone over seven hours without telling her where I was. I had told her. She just hadn't checked her texts. I didn't tell her that, though. I just let her take out her anger on me, like I always did. Pretended I cared.
When she was done, and had gone to bed, I went back into my room, where Kailey was laying on my bed reading a manga. I took off my coat, hanging it up in the closet before crashing onto the bed next to her. She was still wearing my pirate shirt, so I had no shirt. Fine by me. Kailey looked over at me, with a weird look on her face.
"What?"
"This is yuri, isn't it?"
"I don't know, probably."
"Do you wish I was a lesbian?"
"No, that would make my life suck."
"If it meant you could watch?"
"No, I'd only wish you were a lesbian if I were a girl. Clearly I'm not, and I'm really hoping that you aren't coming out to me as a lesbian."
"No, I'm not. I'm just wondering why all the yuri novels you own have girls that look like me in them."
"I have yaoi, too, if it really bothers you so much."
"Why?"
"Unlike most people, I read it for the story line, not because I'm trying to jack off."
"Liar!"
"Well I'm clearly only after you, so I don't think it really matters what I read."
"Aw, that's so creepy!"
"It's called love, get over it."
"Is that way you tried to kill someone today?"
"Yes, darling, that is why I attempted to murder Jake."
"How did you even know?"
"Butt dial."
"W-what?"
"Your a** called me again. Is that a booty call?"
She hit me with the book.
I rolled over her, pressing a finger to her lips. My dad was on the stairs. He passed my room. Opened the fridge. Went back up stairs.
I removed my finger from her mouth, studying her face, biting my lip in order to restrain myself.
She looked amused. I'm not sure why though. Well, I didn't.
She pulled my head down, so my face was hardly a centimeter away from hers. I wasn't sure if she wanted me to kiss her or not.
"You're so silly, Aly." She said, her lips brushing across mine as she spoke.
I kissed her, gently. Restraint was on it's highest, because I didn't want her to know how much I yearned for her.
I'm weird that way.
She wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing me back.
I let go of some of my restraint. I slid my tongue into her mouth, fighting with hers. I pulled away, because my mom was coming down the stairs. I threw a blanket over Kailey.
My door was opened, the light turned off, and my door was closed again. She went back up stairs.
"Kailey, I love you."
"I love you, too."
She didn't know what I meant by that.
I pulled her into me, hugging her to my chest. She wrapped her arms around me, one hand rubbing my neck lightly. Most likely because she knew that would set me off.
"Quit ittttttttt!" I whispered, squirming.
"No, it's fun."
"No seriously quit it...."
"Why?"
"I'm a man, Kailey. I don't have that good of restraint."
"Oh...." She rolled away, pressing herself against the wall.
Now I felt bad.
Either way, today is Sunday. School tomorrow. It was almost nine, and that seven hour sorta nap didn't do much for me. I curled up in fetal position next to her.
My phone alarm went off. Carmelldansen, 'cause I'm amazing that way. Kailey was clinging to me, because my room dropped to about 30 degrees at night. I pressed her to me, feeling the warmth of her body. Her chest pressed against mine, her hips against my stomach. I let her go, and rolled off my bed, landing perfectly. Because I'm sweet that way.
I then managed to trip over my combat boots, slam my face into the wall, and slide down it.
That's what I get for being cocky.
I stood up, rubbing my face. Turned the light on----Kailey was laughing so I assumed she was awake.
"For all that we grabbed your homework, we forgot to get clothes." I mumbled, walking over to my closet. "I have dresses."
"I sometimes question whether you're really a boy, Aly."
"Cross dressing is fun."
"I think I'll pass on the dress. Just give me a t-shirt, assuming you own any."
I dug through my pile of clothes that lived on top of my dresser. Junk clothes, mostly, to wear when I dyed my hair. I found an unstained plain black fitted t-shirt and threw it to her. It was probably hers anyways, from one of the many times I'd ripped my t-shirt off for dramatic effects when I was younger.
For myself, I grabbed a long-sleeved black and white Lolita-styled dress. Today I would be a Lolita. I found my matching stockings and platformed shoes. "Now then, I'll be leaving to hide in the bathroom and make myself look like a girl..." I said, opening my door and running up the stairs and sliding into the bathroom in my socks. I'm such a dork. I closed the door, and pulled on the dress, the stockings, and the shoes. Washed my face, and drew on the makeup. Little swirls branched off my left eye. Black lipstick drew a heart on my lips, I painted the rest the color of my skin---snow white. I straightened my short white-blond hair, making it longer and more feminine.
I ran back down the stairs, looked out the window, and grinned. Mother had already left. I opened the door to my room.
"God you're manly."
"Aren't I?"
I liked this dress. It was pretty. Made me feel all magical inside.
"What do you want for breakfast?"
"Food."
I glared at her. "What kind of food?"
"The good kind."
I growled a little. I was not a morning person. Well, that was a lie. I loved mornings. I just didn't like dealing with people in the morning. Especially not on a Monday.
"Fruit it is then." I pulled her into the kitchen with me. We had tangerines and apples.
Mother didn't buy fruit much, because I had this strange obsession with only eating fruit. I was weird that way. If it were up to me, I'd live off of fruit and pasta.
I took an apple and two tangerines for myself, letting Kailey get her own food. I had both our backpacks, which matched because great minds think alike, the single straps forming an X across my chest. They were getting in my way, combined with my poofy skirt. I ate the tangerines first. Then put the apple in my bag since I'd be hungry in fifteen minutes when we got to school. I'm smart that way.
It was 7, so we left. Well, after I went on a hunt for my damned keys. I need to just duct tape them to my face or something.
"Kailey!"
My body tensed at the voice. Jake's buddy, John. He was just like Jake, a cocky b*****d whom I wanted to punch in the face every time I saw him.
He walked up, and put an arm around Kailey.
"I hear you and Jake broke up. How about you and me-----"
"Sorry, I'm gay," she said, looking up at me out of the corner of her round eyes.
He practically flew away from her. She grabbed my hand. Apparently we were lesbians now.
Whatever. I squeezed her hand.
"Pr-prove it!" He said, pointing.
"Pointing isn't nice, darling." I said, using my extremely feminine voice. I sounded like an anime character, because after all, that's how I learned to do the many voices I did.
Kailey reached for my face, kissing me gently.
John gave up trying to argue with her and left.
I was very good at being a girl. It saved Kailey a lot of trouble. And it was fun to confuse people. I suppose this made me a gender ********, but whatever. I didn't really care about a lot of things.
My hand was still in hers as we walked down the hall. People were kind of staring---most likely wondering who the new girl was. No matter how many times I dressed in drag, people never realized it was me. Or maybe they'd heard that Jake had been beaten to a pulp during a fight with Kailey.
"Alyosha, there's a wall there."
A little too late for that. I slammed into the ******** love this wall...." I muttered, sliding down it dramatically.
I stood up and brushed myself off. Looked at the clock. Two minutes.
"Kailey...."
She looked back at me.
"Come here..." I said, taking off one white glove.
"Okay?" She walked all of two steps back to me.
I ran my finger along her lips, because my lipstick had come off onto her mouth.
"There, all better."
"Um, okay?"
I pulled my glove back on. "Lipstick." I said, ruffing up her shoulder length brown hair.
She glared at me with her nearly-black eyes and reached for my hair. Not that she could reach it.
Oh the joy of being taller than Kailey.
I really didn't want to go to math.
I picked Kailey up, throwing her over my shoulder, and ran the other way. She squeaked with surprise. The bell for school rang, but we were out the door. I set her down at my car, unlocking the door and shoving her in. Did this count as kidnapping?
I flew out of the school parking lot, down the street. To a park.
"Alyosha, can you please warn me before we skip?"
"Kailey, are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"No you're not."
She was too cheery. I knew Kailey----she didn't handle her emotions well at all.
She should be still horrified. Scarred for life.
"I know you'll always come rescue me, so I wasn't too scared in the first place. I was more freaked out by the look on your face when you nearly killed him."
"Kailey....I won't always be there. One day, it could be me."
"It won't be you though."
I climbed into the back seat.
Grabbed both of her wrists together with one hand, placing them above her head.
"I hope you can tell, it would be very simple physically for me to rape you."
"Only physically?"
"I have some restraint," I said, still holding her wrists, my other hand wiping a single tear that fell from her eye. "I'm still a man though, Kailey."
"Get off of me."
"I intend to." I said, releasing her hands and climbing back into the driver's seat. "In the mean time, let's go for a walk."
"Alyosha....are we going out again?"
I twisted my ring---a simple band of iron---around on my finger. I kept walking. It was just a field, this park.
"Alyosha, answer me."
"Kailey....I'm sorry."
"Is that a no?"
I shook my head.
I reached into the chest of my dress, taking out a knife.
"Kailey, I'm sorry."
I held the knife out to her.
"What are you sorry about?"
"I won't be there for you."
"Wh-what?"
"I'll be dead by then. I want you to take this knife, though, because you'll need to defend yourself."
"Alyosha, are you telling me you're going to commit suicide?"
I shook my head.
"Then what are you talking about?"
"I always knew you'd be the end of me."
Kailey took the knife, and threw it on the ground.
"Quit it, Alyosha."
"Kailey, I'm in love with you."
"I love you too, but I'm not being all overly dramatic!"
"No, Kailey, I'm in love with you."
She slapped me.
I smiled like I always do.
"Babe, you know pain turns me on."
She grabbed at my hair, and knee'd me in the stomach.
I spit out the blood into the grass. Had she not heard me?
I live for pain.
I stood up, smiling brightly. I grabbed her by the waist, leaning her back. "You should really stop trying, darling. Unless, of course, you want me to take you here, right now."
The look in her eyes was undecipherable.
"Shall I take that as a no?"
"Well, I don't want to ******** in the mud."
"Then quit hitting me, Kailey."
"You were serious about that?"
"Why the ******** would I lie about something like that? I tell you that every time you try to beat me up."
I let her stand up again, with a fancy spin move. Because I watch too much figure skating.
"Shall we go back to my house and be bored there?"
There was no other option, of course. She nodded. We walked back to the car.
I was laying on the couch, half passed out, Kailey half on top of me, completely asleep. It was around noon. Kailey hadn't let me in her pants, so I decided to crash on the couch. She decided it'd be a good idea to do the same.
Normally Kailey didn't sleep so much. Perhaps this increase in sleep was caused by yesterday's happenings. I wouldn't know.
I squirmed my way out from under her. Not that that was hard for me to do.
I needed to punch something, I don't know why. I just had the sudden urge to hit something. Which is probably bad, considering I'd recently gotten my cast off.
My fist met the surface of a wall, with out my telling it to. I grinned, letting my hand scrape down the stucco of the wall. The tips broke off, some stuck in my hand. Blood started to flow out as I pulled them out. I licked them off, because it made the small wounds burn and sting all the more. Why was I so obsessed with pain?
I cleaned the small cuts---almost scabbed over now---and wrapped my hands with sports tape. I was tempted to rip the tape off, slowly, pulling them open again. But I didn't, because Kailey was calling my name.
I walked out of the bathroom with my hand hidden slightly behind my skirt.
She looked at me, a knowing look on her face. I sighed, and held out my hand.
"Bad Aly!" She said, slapping me across the face.
"Oh baby," I muttered, looking down at her.
She glared back up at me.
I bit down on the inside of my lip, causing the blood to leak slowly out. I hated the taste of my own blood.
She was still glaring at me.
How long did she intend to do that?
I pulled her into me, and roughed up her hair. I didn't know what she was still mad about.
She scratched at my hands, digging her nails into my wrist. Why did girls think that hurt?
She knee'd me in a bad place.
I fell to my knees, because that was one of those pains that just kinda didn't work out so well.
"Goddammit, Kailey, are you trying to disable me?"
She walked away.
I recovered soon after. Well enough anyways.
My gut senses led me straight to her---sprawled out on my bed. Oh damn. I turned around into the door, taking a deep breath. I can totally restrain myself. Totally.
"Alyosha, what the ******** are you doing?"
"Quit talking to me, I'm suppressing my inner male."
"....I don't see how that'd be hard for you, all things considered."
"Because I'm sexually and mentally attracted to you in ways no woman will ever come close to understanding."
I heard her shift in bed. "You're a freak, you know that?"
"Fully aware, thank you, Captain Obvious."
"You just gonna do that the whole time I'm in here?"
I nodded.
"You've slept with me before."
"You weren't uh, doing that then."
"Laying down? That little of a thing turns you on? Dayum, you're easy."
"Shut up!" I flailed in her general direction.
I heard her stand up, walking quietly towards me. I braced myself for impact.
She hugged me from behind, her hands spread wide on my belly. She slowly slid them down. I grabbed her hands, turning around. "Quit being a tease, Kailey."
"Just doing my job."
"Well you're very bad at it," I said, and kissed her on the forehead. "You're certainly nothing compared to past secretaries."
"You've had past secretaries?"
The horrified look on her face was kind of funny, though I'm not sure why.
"Well I'm certainly not pure, that's for sure."
"So you never really loved me in the first place, did you?"
"Love and lust are different things, Milady."
"Men are all the same. ******** it, I'm chasing after girls now." Kailey said, grabbing her backpack.
"Kailey, at least let me give you a ride home," I said, grabbing her shoulder firmly. "Men may all be the same, but this one at least wants to spare himself your mother's wrath."
"Go ******** yourself, Alyosha."
"Sure thing, but not until I know you're safe."
"I'm not a kid anymore, Aly. I'll be fine."
I turned her around roughly, and picked her up. She screamed and hit me, because that's what girls did when they were pissed and you threw them over your shoulder. No matter, she couldn't do much like this. I walked out of the house, threw her in the car. Got in calmly and started the car, driving out into the empty street and racing down the familiar path that usually led me to Kailey's house. Usually. Sometimes it led me to Neverland.
I don't like Neverland. Freaks are flying around all the time.
Wait. Why am I thinking about Neverland?
I pulled into Kailey's drive way, turned on the child safety lock so she couldn't get out until I was done talking to her.
"Kailey, how many men do you know who wears dresses and pretends to be your girlfriend to keep away guys?"
"I don't know any," she replied. "Just an it."
"I'm not an it, thanks." I growled. It's were not living. I was at least some-what living. At least as far as I know.
"Your point is?"
"My point is, you need me in your life."
"I went sixth months without you in my life, Alyosha. I didn't miss you at all."
Um, that stung. I cringed. "Kailey, you're all I've ever thought about. I've never liked anyone else."
"You liked them enough to ******** them."
"Don't you understand? Kailey, I did those things because you were gone from me, and I felt I didn't deserve you. Yet every time I did it, it was you I wanted to wake up next to."
"Don't bother making things up, Aly. You're a liar, just like everyone else."
"Funny, you believe my lies but not my truths."
"Shut up. Let me out."
"Kailey, are you severing our friendship?" I asked, unlocking the child safety lock for her.
She got out and ran into her house.
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 6:44 pm
Alyosha: Can This Be Done Now? aka chapter 2. approx 12 pgs
Was she really gone? Had our eleven years of friendship ended so quickly?
As quickly as it had begun, my love for her faded away.
It comes and goes.
Perhaps it was because without her by my side, I felt lost.
She'd always been with me.
And now she was gone. I was alone, she had better friends.
All because I screwed up.
She was with a girl now---Melody.
I didn't know Melody, and I never saw either of them.
All I knew anymore was that I was alone.
I could feel it nibbling at the edges of my chest. That simple poison, spreading slowly throughout my veins.
Loneliness.
The only reason I'd gone out with those other people--- because I was lonely.
I thrived off physical contact, negative or positive, it didn't matter to me.
I just needed it. Craved it.
Without it, I would surely fade away.
Not that anyone would notice.
I mean, I have friends. But they don't know me at all, they don't really care about me.
And I could care less about them.
I remembered the last time we'd spoken, when she'd left my car for the last time. She'd severed our friendship with silence.
And then it'd been over, and I never saw her again. I never looked for her. I knew she was around, but I didn't care anymore.
It was like I was gone.
And I didn't mind.
Kailey, do you ever even think about me anymore? You probably don't. That's alright. I'm used to it. I knew she'd hate me in the end. In the end, everyone will hate me.
I'd stopped caring a long time ago.
In fact, I'd started to make them hate me quicker.
I was meant to be alone.
"You look lonely," said a boy's voice. He was crouched at the other side of the table.
"I'm not."
He didn't go away.
I saw his hand moving closer to me, and in panic, I moved backwards, falling over, taking my chair and the table with me.
"Don't like being touched?"
I looked slowly up at him.
Bright red hair, the natural kind that was really more of an orange but people called it red anyways, chopped short. Egyptian-style eyeliner, no freckles. An odd looking boy. I'd never seen him before. His eyes were black as night. Black as the poison that spread through my body.
"I've always wondered, why are you always alone?" He asked, tilting his head like a cat. "It can't be because you're ugly, if you wanted, you could have anyone in the world tied around your little finger. So why, little Lolita, are you alone?"
Woah. Was I hallucinating? This boy, he knew me too well. And he was too perfect. I looked around. We were the only people here. Most had gone home by now, school had ended three hours ago. I just didn't feel like going home.
"I'm alone because I chose to be."
"Are you willing to be with company, little Lolita?"
I narrowed my eyes at him. Was I willing to risk the possibility that part of my mind had taken a physical form only seen by me, therefore meaning I was talking to myself? "Depends on what you mean by that, I suppose."
"I would like to be your friend, little Lolita."
"My name is Alyosha."
"I am Meir. Pleased to meet you, young Alyosha."
I studied his face. Was I older than him?
"I'm not exactly that young, you know."
"You are younger than me, and much smaller and weaker than you know." Meir replied, eyes narrow, a slight twitch at the end of the left side of his mouth. He almost looked sinister. But god damn, he was sexy. I couldn't even see much of him, but just from the pretty face and broad, yet thin shoulders, I could tell that this man was probably the most beautiful man I'd ever meet.
I stood up, brushing my skirt off. I was wearing a pink and white Lolita dress today. Made me feel like a pretty princess.
He stood up, and I gulped. He was taller than me. By nearly a foot. How had I never noticed someone like him before?
Then again, I was only 5 foot 6 inches. Guess I'm just short.
He held out one average sized rough hand. The hand of a man who'd worked and fought his life away. Who was Meir?
I took it, and we walked away. Perhaps he was imaginary, but his hand was rough and warm, just as it should be. Up close, I could see small nicks from a razor, I could smell a slight cologne, I could feel the heat moving off his body. I could hear his breaths, slow and steady, as if he were asleep. Why were we holding hands?
For some reason, I did not care.
All I could think of was that he was too perfect too exist---so perfect he had flaws.
I must have been staring, because he looked down at me out of the corner of one pretty black hole of an eye.
They were so like Kailey's eyes it stung. He smiled slightly, the same sinister smile as before.
Either I was crazy, or he was.
Maybe I was really lucky, and he was actually a mass murderer and would seduce me and then kill me.
I looked down at my feet. Then over at his. My feet were huge---the same size as his. He, however, wore military-style combat boots, with his plain black khaki-style pants tucked into them. He dressed weird, I observed. His shirt was a normal black dress shirt, of the same exact black as his pants. Around his thick neck was a spiked collar, and I swear I saw red on the tips. The red that's more of a brown color. The color of dried blood.
Where were we? We were in the woods behind the school, I realized. Oh yeah. I was so gonna get seduced and then brutally and painfully murdered. I could see it coming.
He shoved me against a tree. I let him, because I honestly still couldn't care less. If I was seduced and then killed, well, at least I got laid first. And by a sexy beast, no less. And if he really was a figment of my imagination, then dayum, I must be on something.
His lips crushed against mine, his hands holding me firmly by the shoulders. For once in my life, I kissed someone other than Kailey and meant it.
"Are you going to kill me?" I asked, when he let me go.
His brows knitted together in deep confusion. "I was not aware I was supposed to."
"Well, usually when strangers as gorgeous as you walk up and lead people away, they ******** them, torture them, and kill them, leaving the body there to rot."
"I'm not a stranger."
"You are by my definition-- I've never seen you before this day and----"
He cut me off, his lips once again on mine.
"I'd really rather we didn't ******** out here, I'd rather die in my car."
"The Lolita drives?"
"I'm not a Lolita everyday. Sometimes I'm a pirate, you know."
"Pirates do not drive cars."
"It's my land ship. Either way, if you want to ******** me and kill me, we're going to my car." There was no way in hell I was going to die in the woods.
"I'm not going to kill you right now, Little Alyosha."
He was starting to get on my nerves, what with this not ******** and killing. More so the ********, because he was one of the few men I would allow. He didn't say we wouldn't ******** though. He also didn't deny that he would kill me, though. Oh well. As long as I was alive for it.
Was this a bad thing to be thinking about? Probably.
"So to the car?"
"We just met, I'd rather this not be a fling, Alyosha."
Damn.
"Fine, I'll take you to dinner or whatever."
"No, no, I am not a prostitute."
Once again, Damn.
"Then what do you want from me?"
"I want you to smile."
Smile? When had I last truly done that?
I looked him in the eyes. I wasn't sure how to go about smiling genuinely on will.
He looked back down at me, his black eyes seemed like they were dancing. They weren't, though.
"I don't know how." I said, looking away.
"I will teach you."
I'm sure you won't. I'm sure you will give up, because bringing back what is dead is not possible. Many have tried, one has so far succeeded.
I didn't tell him this. Instead, I buried my face into his chest, wrapping my arms around him. He ran his hand down from the top of my head to the middle of my back. I let out a small whimper.
Tease.
"Are you mine, Meir?" I said, into his chest.
"Yes, for now I am yours. Until you die, as will I."
"Are you even human?"
"Well, I was last time I checked."
"Just making sure." He talked funny, but his voice was so pretty. It was cold, but I couldn't get enough of it. Even if it were hostile, it would be the most beautiful sound in the world. Weird, I'd not even known him for an hour and yet I was obsessed.
Me and my loneliness.
"I must go, Alyosha. But I will see you tomorrow, my beautiful Lolita."
"Goodbye, Meir." My voice shook, although I'm not sure why. I let him go, he walked into the woods.
Oh yeah, definitely a murderer. I walked slowly to my car. My stomach felt weird. My head hurt. Suddenly, it was all getting dark.
"Hey, kid, you okay?"
I opened my eyes, my vision slowly focusing. The track coach stood over me.
Why the ******** was I at school?
"Guess I passed out."
"You know your name?"
"Alyosha."
"You a student here?"
"Yes, for the last time, I'm related to you."
"There weren't any girls your age in my family."
I glared. "I'm your nephew, for gods sake!"
He stared blankly.
I rolled my eyes and stood up. Something was seriously wrong here.
I looked down.
My dress was covered in blood. What the ********/> I walked to my car, which wasn't there. Again, what the ********/> I spotted a familiar figure.
"Kailey!" I screamed, waving.
"A-Alyosha?" She said, as I stumbled up. Her face was pale, as was Melody's.
Oh, right. Covered in blood.
"You seen my car?"
"Alyosha, you've been gone for a year."
What. The. ********/> "You're kidding, right?"
They both shook their heads.
Well, this was odd.
"You just disappeared one day, no one noticed for about a week. You were assumed to be dead last month.....Where the ******** were you, Aly?"
I wish I could answer that.
"Apparently I was abducted by aliens and they decided they were sick of looking at such beauty that they had to give me back before they all killed themselves."
"This isn't time for joking, you moron."
"Well it's not like I know! One minute I was walking back to my car after Meir went home, and the next I'm here...."
"Meir?"
"Yeah, this total bishy. Really tall and prettier than hell. Talks weird."
"Alyosha, are you real?" This came from Melody, who rarely talked.
"Well of course I'm real!"
Her eyes seemed to change color for a second. "I don't think you are real, Little Bloody Lolita."
"W-what?"
Melody morphed into Meir. Kailey turned into me.
Which made no sense at all.
Meir was smiling his sinister smile.
"You're the ones who aren't real!" I screeched, thrashing at Meir and the fake me.
"Alyosha, that's my face." Kailey said.
The fake me turned back into her and Meir turned into Melody. My nails were dug into Kailey's cheek.
I sat down, my knees to my chest. "I think I'm going insane..."
A large, warm, rough hand patted my head. I looked up, and it was Meir, Melody, and Kailey, all looking concerned.
The blood was gone from my dress, it was as if nothing had happened. My car was parked in it's spot, and I was sitting on the sidewalk, knees to my chest. Meir was crouched down beside me, holding me to his chest. Melody and Kailey had gone to class.
Meir, what happened?
"Can you drive?" I asked him, looking at my car.
"Not legally."
"Good enough, I really need to go home...."
Meir drove me home, and tried to explain to me that I was probably overwhelmed by stress or something.
I took off the dress, even though there was no blood on it, it reeked of it. Meir was out in the kitchen, apparently he thought it would be weird for him to watch me undress. Wait....he does know I'm a boy, right? God I hoped so.
I froze. Had Meir heard me call him a total bishy? Would he even know what that meant?
I could feel my face turning red.
I pulled on a pair of slack shorts and a pirate shirt. Because even if it was only February, and only 23 degrees out, I wanted to wear shorts. Sure, the blood will probably start freezing in my legs, but hey, who said I was going to be wearing them for long anyways?
I walked out to the living room where Meir had been.
Kailey sat on the couch, arms wide. Innocent smile, her cheeks slightly dimpled. I sat next to her, wrapping my arms around her waist, closing my eyes.
I opened them again, and it was just me and Meir. His hand was resting on my back. I looked up at his face.
"You know I'm a boy, right?"
"Considering I'm gay, one would assume that I preferred men."
They always said gay men where hotter. Wait....did he just use a modern term? Holy crap, he was some-what normal after all! I cuddled into him. "You said before that you were older than me?" Maybe he was a monster. That'd make sense.
"Yes."
Oh thanks. "How old, exactly?"
"Eighteen."
Two years? Really? Wow. He wasn't that old. So he was a senior, most likely. Why had I never seen him before?
Didn't really matter to me anymore.
I wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for a thousand years. Preferably with someone else.
I looked back up at him.
He still looked younger than me. I couldn't help but think he was. I grinned up at him.
"Don't fake your smiles, I'm not leaving."
"I don't want you to leave." I said, blankly. I wasn't sure if I'd heard anger or sadness in his voice.
I studied his face. Why did he look so unreal?
More importantly, why did he look so much like Melody? He was like the love child of Kailey and Melody. Kailey's black holes for eyes, and Melody's orange hair and freckle-free skin. Maybe they were related or something.
And because god loves me, Meir's phone went off. He pulled it out of his pocket, flipping it open without actually looking at it.
"Hello, Melody." He said, voice even. A cold voice.
"Mom wants you home." Was it eaves dropping if I didn't mean to listen in on their conversation?
He winced. "Alright. I will be home sooner or later."
"Now." Was the reply, cold and really very bitter.
Poor Meir.
He closed his phone.
"I have to go, but I will see you later, yes?"
"Do you need a ride?"
"No, I live down the street."
"With Melody?"
"Yes."
He stood up, and kissed my forehead before leaving.
He couldn't be real. Melody didn't have an older brother three days ago.
I took out my phone, and did something I hadn't done in a really really long time. I texted Kailey.
Kailey, do you know Meir?
I waited about ten minutes.
Hes Melodys half brother.
Well, that explained that.
Why haven't I seen him before then?
This time, it took about two minutes.
He recently moved here. also hes a freshman.
Damn. He must have failed a lot of school then. Or lied about his age. Maybe both.
why do you like melody? she doesnt seem very nice.
shes nice on the inside. im happy w/her so it doesnt matter.
as long as youre happy i guess. i gtg.
I didn't have to go anywhere, I just didn't really feel the need to talk to her.
are you okay, aly?
I winced. im fine.
What did it matter to her?
She called me, because Kailey is still Kailey. And I answered, because I'm still Alyosha.
"What?" I said, sharply.
"Well you don't have to be mean, god."
"I don't want to talk."
"Well too bad, because I'm in your house."
What the ********/> "Fine, I'll leave then." I said, and walked out the front door.
Kailey was standing on the grass in my front yard. I turned around and then remembered that not only had I locked the door, but I didn't have my keys.
"Aly, we're going to the mall. You're going whether you like it or not."
I groaned. I hated the mall.
I sat in down on my porch, knees to my chest, glaring at her.
"Meir's going...." She said, with a sly grin on her face.
"I'm not going, Kailey."
"Yes you are, dammit!" She said, running up the few steps of my porch and yanking at my arm.
Kailey was not that strong.
"You're going to pull something. Stop trying."
And because god really loves me a whole lot, Meir walked up out of no where, picked me up with ease, and shoved me into Julia's van.
Julia drove a rapist van, for some unknown reason.
"Hello, Alyosha. Haven't seen you since fall."
"Yeah, nice to see you too, Julia. Can I go home now?"
She pulled out of my driveway. I slid across the floor, into Meir, who somehow managed to not slide everywhere. I, however, was sliding all over the place. I was starting to think Julia was going in circles just to cause me car sickness. And bruise my pretty skin.
She took a sharp turn and stopped. I slammed into the wall with a groan. She turned the van off and then the door opened.
"I'm dead. Leave me here."
Clearly they didn't believe me, because Meir dragged me out of the van. Kailey and Melody were walking ahead. Julia was a few feet away from them. I sat down on the pavement. Meir closed the van door, and picked me up, because he's a jerk.
He set me down once we were inside the mall, and I turned around and ran----straight into the door. I flopped a little as I slid to the ground and curled up into a ball. No matter what my age was, I would never understand why anyone would want to go to a mall.They were not fun. They were big and noisy and filthy. The stores and food were too expensive and sucked in general.
Meir pulled me off the ground by one arm. Which hurt like a b***h, and only made me want him all the more. Not that he realized what he was doing. He grabbed me around the waist and made me walk with him. I didn't so much mind that, but I really hated the mall.
I probably looked like a girl next to him. But since he was gorgeous and I was pretty, we attracted more attention than the average couple.
Or maybe it was because I was freaking out every five seconds because I kept hearing my name.
"Meir." Melody was suddenly in front of us. Girl was a stalker, I swear to god.
Meir stared blankly at her. "Yes?"
They certainly didn't get along too well.
Melody's blue eyes flicked over to me, and back to Meir.
"Never mind." She said, and walked away.
Um, okay. Freak.
I looked up at Meir.
He looked confused. Glad I wasn't the only one.
"Does she hate you or something?"
"You could say that."
I leaned into him. I really wanted to go sleep somewhere.
"You sure you don't just want a fling?" I didn't know Meir, and I probably would say something to make him hate me sooner than later. He was attractive, but from what I could tell he wasn't my type otherwise. Not that I could tell much.
"I am sure, My Little Lolita, that I am not with you for a fling."
Damn.
"Then I'll have to know you."
"No, you won't. You just have to learn to smile again, and I will leave you alone."
"Punch me, then. I'll smile then."
He punched me in the stomach, hard. Pain ran through my body, and I couldn't help but grin. It felt so..... good.
"You are an odd man, Alyosha."
"I smiled, are you happy?"
"That does not count, Little Lolita."
Damn.
"I'll smile more if you ******** me, you know."
"I can't ******** you constantly. Your smile will fade soon again."
"Why does it matter to you if I smile or not?"
"You are Kailey's friend, and are therefore Melody's friend. In order to make both of them happy, they must be surrounded by happiness."
So he was in love with Melody. Clearly.
An hour had passed, and we were still in the mall, walking around. Meir wouldn't tell me about himself. Which probably meant he was a murderer after all.
"So how many people have you killed, Meir?"
"What?"
"Clearly you're a murderer, so I'm just going to be blunt about asking."
"I'm not a murderer."
"You don't have to lie, I already know you are."
"Little Lolita, I can assure you that I am no murderer."
"Then why won't you tell me anything?"
He looked away from me. "If I told you the truth you'd hate me."
"I'll hate you either way until you give me a reason to love you."
"The past is unimportant. I intend to recreate myself around you."
"That's creepy. You're a creeper."
"I'm sorry."
"I don't want you, you're creepy. Go away."
"Okay."
He seriously dropped his hand from my waist and walked off.
He did realize I was joking, right?
I went after him, but for all that he was a giant and stood out, I couldn't find him.
For some reason I felt like crying. I sat down on a bench, curled up in the corner. Maybe I'd get left here. I wiped a tear off my face.
"Alyosha?"
I didn't look up. I didn't want to be Alyosha right now. Maybe never again. I didn't care who called my name, nor who sat next to me and petted my head. I didn't care anymore. I wasn't me anymore.
Eventually I looked up out of the corner of my eye at them. It was Kailey. Of course, because she didn't know what she did to me.
Then Kailey turned into me, and I shut my eyes and opened them again. It was still me sitting next to me, petting my head. I got up and ran into the nearest store, but I slowly walked back to my side. Wow, that was confusing.
Why was there another me, following me around?
Wait, if I'm hallucinating.... I swung my hand around to where Kailey's breast would be. And I hit nothing, my arm just swung back and hit the pole behind me. What the ********/> I flailed in the middle of the other me. My hands....disappeared?
"Um, ma'am?" A worker in the store was watching me.
I flung my arm at him. "I am a man!" I said, eyes wide, grinning like a fool, so they'd think I was crazy and have security take me out of the mall.
"Oh-uh, sorry, sir." He said, eyes wide with fear. "Do you want me to call someone for you?"
I dropped my hands to my sides. "No, sir, I believe I'm just bored." I said, bowing deeply.
"Well do you mind being bored somewhere else? You're scaring the customers."
I looked around. I was in Hot Topic....but there was only me and the workers here. I laughed. "You don't have any customers, because you're in the preppiest town in the world. You must not do too well here, eh?"
"Alyosha, stop it. Go find Meir." Imaginary Alyosha said, and I could feel him tugging on my sleeve. Funny, I could feel him but he couldn't be touched by me.
He needed a name. A cool name---not Bob or Steve or Phillip-----that's it! Vincent! I will call him Vincent, because he is me and I am Alyosha Vincent Pokashi. Plus, Vincent is a pretty bad a** name. And he will be my Vincent, because I'm the only one who can see him.
"Okay, Vincent, where is he?" I asked, as we walked out of the store.
Vincent pointed at the bookstore. "Manga section, sitting on the floor."
Vincent told no lie. Meir was huddled up against one bookshelf, like a little emo girl. Which was disturbing, since he was far from little or female. I sat down next to him, and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. Not like he looked up or anything.
Was he asleep? Something told me he was.
His pale white neck was exposed, and on impulse I bit down on it softly. He fidgeted, and when I moved away, he looked up and at me. "S-sorry," I mumbled, sprawled out on the floor.
"I thought you did not want me," he said, eyes blank. I still wasn't sure if he was actually awake or not.
"I was joking...."
"A very convincing jest, I would hope you are not jesting now."
I shook my head, looking around. There was no one around---the manga section of this book store was in the back corner of the store. There were book shelves blocking us from view, so unless someone walked past.....
I threw myself at him, knocking him over onto the floor, my hand between his skull and the floor. I kissed him roughly, anxiously, one hand still at the back of his head, the other holding his face. He kissed back, but not very enthusiastically. Which kinda bothered me.
Just yesterday, he'd been all over me. And now? Nothing. That kinda hurt.
I pulled away, sitting back up. He sat back up, eyes still blank. He couldn't be asleep still....right?
I stood up, staring down at him. "I don't know what your problem is, Meir, but when you get over it, I'll be around."
I walked away, and Vincent stood in front of me, blocking my way. I tried to walk through him, but I couldn't. I couldn't move.
I turned around and walked out the door to the outdoors. I took out my phone so it wouldn't look like I was talking to myself---which I sorta was.
"Why are you here, Vincent?"
"Guiding you, because you need help, but won't take it from anyone but yourself."
"I don't need help."
"You seem to know otherwise, despite what lie you tell."
"...Shut up. I hate you, you're ugly and annoying and no one loves you. No one has ever loved you, and they never will, no matter how hard you try to change, you're still you--- a waste of proteins, a waste of money. You don't deserve anyone, you always use them and hurt them in the end. Why don't you just disappear?" I was almost yelling it, my voice high pitched. So I have some self hate issues.
Vincent winced, because so did I.
"I would hate to be who ever you're talking to, Aly."
"Don't worry, I'm talking to myself, Kailey."
I glanced nonchalantly at her, her face white with shock, her body pressed against the wall. I grinned, a false grin.
"What happened to you, Aly? You used to be so happy and loving."
"Nothing happened, my mask just slipped, that's all."
"So you were faking it, weren't you?"
"I'm faking it now, too, but you'll never know what I'm faking, now will you?"
"Aly, you're scaring me."
"Don't be afraid, little girl, I won't hurt you....much."
"Alyosha, what is wrong with you?"
"You want to know what's wrong with me, Kailey? You're what's wrong with me! I don't want to see your face again, you disgust me more than the despicable people who made me." I said, before walking away, towards my home. It was twenty minutes by car from here, but I'd make it. And that's what mattered.
I didn't look back, because I knew I'd see her crying, her cigarette burning away. I knew that seeing her crying would make me want to dig deeper, to hurt her more. So I didn't look back, even when she shouted my name.
I didn't so much as twitch when I heard Meir shout my name, his deep voice carrying much farther than Kailey's small one. I didn't look up when I heard the footsteps pounding on the ground, running after me. I was done---I didn't need them anymore.
When the hand grabbed my shoulder and turned me around, I stared him straight in the eyes. His black eyes held nothing----because he never felt anything towards me.
I grabbed his hand, pulled him down to me, and kissed him, breaking away before he could respond.
I kept walking, leaving him standing there. Because I sent mixed signals, and Meir wasn't the brightest person from what I could tell.
Meir soon was walking beside me, and from the vibe he gave off he seemed to be out of it---still. That was okay with me.
I was afraid to open my mouth, because now I knew that Vincent was in control of my mouth and he wasn't exactly good. How could I have been so foolish? It's never good when you start hallucinating, especially when your hallucination tells you what to do and is clearly part of your mind.
I laced my fingers in his, although I'm not sure why. He squeezed my hand, and stopped. We were in the woods now---we'd walked a good mile. He swung me around, into him, his eyes slightly less blank. I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his chest. He smelled like soap. Which was weird for a boy, because usually men wore cheap cologne. Or in my case, citrus body spray. Then again, I was a freak so I didn't count.
The wind was suddenly cold and strong---- rain. Of course.
"We should go back...." He mumbled, to the sky.
I shook my head, I was still afraid to talk.
"The school is just past these woods, yes?"
I nodded.
We walked to the school---it was only four. We sat in the stairwell and waited the storm out, curled together. The janitor gave us a dirty look---because usually the kids who were here past four were the trouble makers.
Julia's van stopped in front of the school. I groaned. Meir dragged me into the back of the van, and I was kinda glad that Kailey and Melody were in the front, blocked off.
Once again, Julia's bad driving threw me around the back of the van, slamming into the walls. Was this even legal?
The van stopped, and I crashed into Meir, sending him backwards, my face buried in his chest. Julia opened the door. We were at Melody and Meir's house.
And considering my parents wouldn't be home until 8, worked for me. I would hide with Meir, if I had to.
Their parents knew me well enough.
Not that they were home, of course.
Meir took me to his room---which was covered in anime posters. Clearly he would know what a bishy was. I felt stupid.
He fell back onto the bed. Which bothered me deeply because I was sure he only did it because he knew he drove me crazy. And because I knew that if I did jump him, he wouldn't respond much. Which kinda really stung at my feelings.
I tried anyways.
Meir sat up, kissing me back roughly, unbuttoning my shirt, moving so that I was lying down. He grabbed my wrists---as if I would struggle,--- holding them above my head with one hand.
The door opened, and was slammed shut again, footsteps running away. Meir frowned, letting my wrists go and sitting up.
"Damn...." I muttered, propping myself up on my elbows, my shirt falling open.
He glanced at the door, and back at me. Then he buttoned my shirt up, much to my displeasure.
I never get to have any fun. ((I whited stuff out. xP))
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 6:49 pm
((Ummmm HOLY C*R*A*P!!!!))
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 6:51 pm
Orange Monsta ((Ummmm HOLY C*R*A*P!!!!)) ((is that a good or a bad holy c*r*a*p? ._.))
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 6:57 pm
Alyosha: A Memory Lost aka chapter 3. approx 10 pgsThis chapter contains bad stuff. If you want to read it, it can be viewed here or I can pm it to you. Your choice.
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:18 pm
(( a 'thats alot' c*r*a*p))
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Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2010 4:56 am
Orange Monsta (( a 'thats alot' c*r*a*p)) ((Yeah.....it's maybe 50 pages all together. I've written longer.))
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Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2010 5:01 am
Alyosha: Words Never Spoken aka chapter 4 approx 6 pages
Why do I keep hurting people?
Why do they always come back?
Why, why, why?
I keep asking questions with no answer.
All I ever knew is gone----but only one thing is still there in my life.
The one thing I'd never thought I'd have back.
The price for that thing was everything else.
Everyone else.
All for you, I give them up.
I will let them hate me, if it means I will have you.
I am not sure why I do this anymore.
I guess it is because your love will cause me only pain, and you know how I live for pain.
Emotional or physical, I crave it.
The best way to feed my hunger is to love---because sadness is pain, and when I love, I am sad.
Sadness, it is one of the few feelings I have always felt.
It is the best feeling.
Pain, it is all I want.
I do not want love.
I want to have someone to love.
Someone who will hurt me in the end.
I woke up---it was morning. Where was I?
Then I remembered the night---morning, really---- before. I'd fallen asleep with Chrystian in the clubhouse, once again. He was sleeping back against mine, face pressed against the wall. My legs hurt----this thing was too small for a six foot tall person to sleep in without curling up, let alone with two people. I turned over and curled around him---he was smaller than me now.
In such a small time, he had changed so much. His shoulders were smaller, his hips larger, his body seemed....softer than I remembered it being. He was almost female now, his perfection was no longer there.
"Alyosha," he said, queitly. I wasn't sure he was really awake.
"What is it?"
"I got it cut off."
"Got what cut off?" What the hell was he talking about?
"I'm legally a woman now."
Oh s**t.
What?
Well that was unexpected.
"Um, why?"
He laughed. "I'm joking, dumb a**."
"Don't joke about things like that!"
"I'm not messed up that bad," he said, turning over so he faced me.
In the morning light I could see small scars along his face and neck that were never there before----or maybe they had been, and I'd just never noticed them.
"You've changed, Chrystian. Did you know that?"
"I could say the same about you, Alyosha."
"Yeah, I grew, but you----you're smaller than you used to be."
"No I'm not. You just remember me bigger because you were freaking tiny."
I puffed my cheeks out in frustration. He was hiding something, and I knew it.
"You used to be perfect."
"No such thing as perfect, Alyosha."
"Yes there is. There was you."
He rolled his eyes, and looked me dead in the eyes, cold blue eyes with a slight hint of an unknown emotion.
When did he have blue eyes? I pulled away. This was not the man I'd known. Chrystian had hazel eyes, not blue. Sometimes they looked green, but never blue.
"You're loosing it, Alyosha," he said, but the word sounded from far away.
"Alyosha, wake up, please."
I gasped as I woke with a start. I looked around me----I wasn't in the tree house, and I wasn't home. Where was I?
"Alyosha!" A voice---Kailey's voice, said, and I was hugged tightly.
"K-Kailey?" What was going on? "Am I dead?"
"Wha---no! You almost died!"
"What are you talking about? Where's Chrystian? And Melody, and Meir?"
"Alyosha....Chrystian's been dead for years....and I don't know who those other people are...."
Was this a dream? Or had that all been a dream? I tried to sit up, and pain stabbed through my body.
"Oh, honey, don't push yourself, you're still in bad shape," said my mother's voice.
"What the ******** happened?" I asked, a slight growl to my voice.
"Um, you got in an accident....." Kailey said, and looked at my mom. "They don't know who the other person was, they've been trying to figure it out for a while now..."
"When did this happen?"
"A few days ago....why?"
"Is the other person okay? Can I see her?"
"H-how'd you know it was a girl?"
I blinked. How did I know? "I dunno, I just guessed." I lied, because something told me that I knew the person. "Is she alright though? She's alive, right?"
"Y-yeah, but--"
I sat up, wincing but swallowing the pain. I stood up, and almost fell. "I can stand, see? I'm okay. Lemme see her."
"Alyosha, she's not really......she won't let any of us see her, I don't think she'd let you."
I scowled at Kailey. "She won't let you see her, but she'll let me see her." I don't know why, but I felt that she would.
A nurse walked in, frowned, and called for more nurses. I looked down.
There wasn't anything wrong with me.
"So, how am I in bad condition?"
"Well.....uhm," Kailey started to say, looking away.
I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. A long stitching ran down the side of my face near my ear and down my throat, but I didn't see anything else wrong with me.
"How's that bad condition?" I asked, blinking.
"Well....you almost died.....your chest is pretty torn up...."
"Oh. Well it's fine now, right?"
"Well of course not!" My mom said loudly, as if she was trying not to yell. "Get back in the damn bed."
I was tempted to run out of the room, but I decided I should probably save the energy, since the nurses would surely catch me. "So, uh, mum can I talk to Kailey....alone?"
"Whatever."
Kailey looked confused.
"Kailey.....how long after we fought did this happen?"
"Um, right after you dropped me off at home..."
"So then....dammit, I'm not done with high school!"
"Alyosha.....did you have a dream while you were out cold?"
"I guess I did..."
She looked down at her feet. "Alyosha....I'm really sorry about what I said...."
"It's fine...just don't kill yourself---ever."
She looked up at me, startled. "H-how did you...?"
"You already tried?"
She looked away.
"Kailey...don't do stupid s**t."
She smiled, a sad smile, which confused me greatly.
***
I stood over the bed.
Words from what Chrystian had said about becoming a woman flashed through my mind---in my mind, it had been a dream----but here, sitting in front of me, was exactly what he'd look like as a girl.
"Chrystian...."
The girl looked up at me, with one blue eye and one hazel eye. "That's not my name----," she said, pausing as if she was going to say my name.
"Not anymore....but it used to be. You used to be a man, didn't you?"
She looked away. "It's none of your business."
She was the right age for my assumption to be right. The same size as the Chrystian in my dream, only with slight changes. The chest, and the eyes. The voice could go either way, Chrystian had been very androgynous.
"You know who I am, though, right?"
She didn't answer, only kept looking down at her hands.
"What's your name, then?"
"Chrystal."
"Last name?"
"I was disowned, it doesn't matter. There's no one to call."
"You know Kailey, don't you?"
She didn't answer. I'll take that as a yes.
I was about to say more, when she looked at me, dead in the eyes. "Alyosha," she said, quietly. "Don't let them know who I am."
I'd been right. "Alright. I won't. But what are you going to do? You know, about money and stuff?"
"I'll be fine. I have insurance. Just....don't worry about it. Pretend this never happened. I was never here, there was no Chrystian in your life. I never existed. Total stranger. Got it?"
"W-why?"
"I don't want them to know I'm still around. It'd be hard for Kailey."
Kailey. I had hated her so much in my dream---and she had killed herself because of it. But I had loved Chrystian, even though I wasn't sure I'd loved him in real life.
"Chrystal--- can I still see you? "
She looked away. "No, you can't."
"Why?"
"I can't give you anything, and I'm older.....you're still in school. Go be with Kailey---she's your age."
"Chrystian---Sorry, Chrystal,--- I don't like Kailey. I would say I hated her, but I know that's not true. I'm just....over her."
"We can't be together, Alyosha. Go find someone else---there's other people outside of my family, you know."
I sighed. "I'll just end up coming back for you, you know."
"I'll make sure you can't."
I wasn't sure what he---she----meant by that, but I had a feeling it meant someone was about to die. "Don't kill yourself, or me, or anyone else, for that matter." I said, as I left the room. I turned on my heel, and grabbed her face, kissing her on the lips lightly before leaving once again, hands stuffed in the pockets of my trench coat.
I'd been discharged a week ago, but they hadn't let me see her until now. And to know I'd been right, only made me more angry.
"Know who she was?" Kailey asked. She;d been told to wait in the waiting room, and joined me as I stormed away.
"No, not a clue. Some girl."
"Oh," she said quietly, and slipped her hand into mine, pulling it out of my coat pocket.
I shook her hand off of mine and shoved it back into my pocket.
"What's wrong, Aly?"
I flinched at the name. I bit my lip until we got out to the parking lot.
"Kailey....I've been thinking for a while, and...."
"What's wrong?"
"You're what's wrong. You're always what's wrong. You're the reason I was raped, the reason I was abused so much-----the reason for everything that's ever gone wrong in my life, was you. To keep you happy, to keep you safe.
Now that I've known what my life could have been like without you, I know that you're holding me down. No---don't cry,--I'm not saying all this to make you feel bad. I'm saying it because you asked, and because I'm done lying to you. I've wasted so much of my life hung up on you, you, and only you. I think it's time that I get it out and just tell you outright---Kailey, I'm not in love with you and I'm not sure I ever was."
She was, of course, crying. "You---you never told me you were----god, I'm so sorry, Aly---I---I should have seen it, all those years and I wasn't even able to see what I've been putting you through and I'm such a b***h to you all the time...."
She wasn't going to shut up any time soon, was she? I looked around. Where had I parked?
"Aly----I'm really sorry this happened...."
"Whatever. I'm over it. Just----just don't touch me, okay? Better yet, just don't talk to me, either."
"So....that's it? We're not friends any more?"
"You're family, I'm sorry, but I just disowned you."
"Wh-what?"
"Get out of my life, Kailey. You heard me." I couldn't help it. The words just poured out of my mouth. I could feel myself grinning. I had this feeling before----when I was out cold. "Kailey, don't listen to me---just----" I slammed my head into the concrete support.
"Aly!"
****
"Alyosha? You spaced out!"
I blinked. I was back in the tree house with Chrystian. "Oh...sorry, luff." What the ******** you alright?"
"Y-yeah, I'm fine...." I said, looking back at Chrystian. His eyes were a light brown now.I smiled a little, and hugged him gently. "I miss you, Chrystian."
"Huh? I'm right here...."
"I know, but I still miss you."
"Um, okay..?"
"I love you, Chrystian."
"I-I love you too, Alyosha."
I felt like I was fading away.
****
"Aly!"
I groaned. We were still in the same place---the hospital parking lot by the concrete support I'd slammed my head into. "I liked the other world better," I said queitly.
"Huh?"
"Nothing---just talking to myself."
"Oh....I see....."
"Kailey....listen, I don't know what's going on. I think that something ******** with my head while I was out cold. Just don't listen to me when I insult you, okay?"
"So....are we okay, then?"
"I'm not, but you are, aren't you?"
"Alyosha....what is it you're not telling me?"
"It's nothing....just.....don't worry about it."
"Right...."
"Sorry, but I really can't tell you. It's not something I can say."
"Why not?"
"I promised someone that I'd never tell you."
"And you won't break that promise for me?"
"I sealed it with a kiss, the bullet won't miss."
"Well why'd you do that?"
"Because I wanted to."
"Who'd you kiss?"
"Can't say."
She scowled at me, but dropped it.
"So....are we friends again?"
"I don't know, are we?"
"I don't know. You're insane, so I don't think it'd work too well."
"What?"
"What do you mean, what? You're insane."
"I'm not insane, dammit. I'm completely sane, and you know it. So just shut the hell up, and leave me alone!" I growled as I stood and walked away.
I'm not insane.
Not insane.
That's what I told myself, as I stood at the top of the building, looking down. Tears ran down my face, because I knew that this was the only way to keep from hurting anyone again. And I knew that I'd have to do it, because there was no backing down now. I squatted down, holding my head. The wind was cold as it pushed at my back, making it all the easier.
I let out a deep breath, stood up, and leaned forward, eyes closed.
The wind was cold as it blew into my face, and it felt like it took forever.
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Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2010 5:05 am
Alyosha: Chrystian's Epilogue epilogue. 4.5 pages approx
I wish I hadn't done it.
I wish that I could take it back.
But I did it, and I can't undo it.
I'm sorry.
I can't face you right now, and I don't know that I ever will be able to.
I hope you will be able to forget me.
I won't forget you.
I love you.
Please believe me, I truly do.
He was only 13, I should have known better. He wouldn't have known how to react. I felt horrible after, and I wanted to end my life. But I couldn't do that, because that would be weak. So I decided that I would quit hiding.
To my mother, I came out as transgendered. I was promptly disowned. I left a letter to Kailey and Alyosha, because I knew that they wouldn't understand.
I was on my own now.
It wasn't too hard----I sold myself on the streets for whatever, whether it be sex or watching people's kids. Soon I was able to make enough money to rent a small room in a bad neighborhood, and get an actual job. Getting a good job, for me, was not much of a problem---people fell under my charm quickly.
I had enough money by then to pay for hormones, and within several years I had gotten a sex change. I was a woman now, and I could face my fears.
Or at least I had thought I could.
Unfortunately, my fear was being a distracted driver---his car slammed into mine. I saw him on the stretcher, one limp arm hung off and I thought it was over. I'm not sure how I knew it was him just from that arm, with the bloodied pirate shirt and black nails. Maybe it was because on that hand was a class ring----identical to the one I'd given him before I'd left him for good. They took me to the hospital too, I'd had a chunk of glass stuck in my chest.
Surgery. Again.
I refused to let Kailey or Alyosha's mom see me, in fear that they would recognize me. I didn't want that. It would only cause problems.
A week or so later, he barged in my room loudly. He always had been dramatic.
He knew immediately that it was me, although I'm not quite sure how. "Chrystian...."
I glared up at him---I had one blue contact in and one not colored one, since I managed to loose the contacts that went with them. It probably looked weird, but oh well. "That's not my name----," I stopped myself from saying Alyosha.
"Not anymore....but it used to be. You used to be a man, didn't you?"
I looked away, because he shouldn't have known yet. I didn't want him to. "It's none of your business." I could feel his eyes analyzing me.
"You know who I am, though, right?"
I kept looking at my hands, biting my lip.
"What's your name, then?"
"Chrystal."
"Last name?"
"I was disowned, it doesn't matter. There's no one to call."
"You know Kailey, don't you?"
I didn't answer. I knew where this was going. "Alyosha," I said, quietly. "Don't let them know who I am."
"Alright. I won't. But what are you going to do? You know, about money and stuff?"
"I'll be fine. I have insurance. Just....don't worry about it. Pretend this never happened. I was never here, there was no Chrystian in your life. I never existed. Total stranger. Got it?" It hurt to say it, but I knew I had to.
"W-why?"
"I don't want them to know I'm still around. It'd be hard for Kailey." I don't want to face my fears yet, Alyosha. I'm sorry. I love you.
"Chrystal--- can I still see you? "
I looked away. "No, you can't." That would hurt too much.
"Why?"
"I can't give you anything, and I'm older.....you're still in school. Go be with Kailey---she's your age." I don't want to hurt you ever again.
"Chrystian---Sorry, Chrystal,--- I don't like Kailey. I would say I hated her, but I know that's not true. I'm just....over her."
"We can't be together, Alyosha. Go find someone else---there's other people outside of my family, you know."
He sighed. "I'll just end up coming back for you, you know."
"I'll make sure you can't." I'll find a way to disappear again.
Alyosha gave me a cold look. "Don't kill yourself, or me, or anyone else, for that matter."
Dammit.
He's leaving again. I'm so stupid. C'mon, Chrystal.....just tell him! I thought to myself as I watched him go.
Alyosha turned around, walked back to me, and kissed me gently on the lips before walking quickly away. I felt tears run down my face. He was leaving again. I was, once again, alone.
I should have told him not to go.
I didn't know.
I didn't know what he was going to do.
I didn't know what he'd been through since I'd left.
I'm so sorry, Alyosha. I didn't ever want this to happen. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish I could have stopped you. I was too late.
I reached the top of the building, but you had just stood up. I cried out your name, but it came out a whisper. The wind carried the sound away. I ran to you, but you had leaned forward. I screamed, and jumped after you.
Alyosha, I'm sorry. I was too late to save you from your death. I held your head against my chest and we fell together.
I'm so sorry.
I thought we would both be dead.
But it seems that once again, I have failed to die.
Alyosha, you fell on me, you didn't come in contact with the cement. Why did I survive, while you did not?
They won't tell me.
They just told me that I couldn't see you ever again, that there was no chance.
I'm not even sure you're dead.
Why can't I see you?
Even if you're just a corpse....I want to see you. One last time.
A letter.
Chrystal,
I'm sorry to inform you that I've no choice but to take my life. I cause too much pain to everyone around me and I'm sick of it.
Sorry. I'm not sure why you've attempted to save me, but it's of no use. The poison I drank before I jumped will kill me within a few days, by the time you receive this letter, I will have died.
I'm sorry to have caused you pain, and I hope you will forgive me, and that you will understand my reasons for breaking my promise.
I love you more than I should, Sorry.
Alyosha Vincent
More tears.
I asked when the letter had been written---today, apparently.
"So he's still alive?"
The nurse shrugged.
"Can you, I don't know, check?"
"Not my area."
I frowned at her. "Thanks, you're a load of help."
"Don't give me that attitude. You know how hard I work keeping you ingrates alive?"
"Do I give a s**t?"
The nurse gave me a stern glare and walked away.
What a b***h.
The worst thing possible---Kailey and my mom came to see me. Acting like nothing had ever happened. I couldn't believe it. Did they really think that I would just get over being disowned because of my gender?
"Kailey, is Alyosha okay?"
Kailey looked away.
"He's dead, isn't he?"
"He's...."
"He's in the mental ward, the poison had a simple cure and he's fine." Said my mother, voice cold.
I let out a sigh of relief.
"Y-you two really are in love, aren't you, Chrystian?"
I winced at the sound of my birth name. "I told him to forget me....I'm too old for him."
"It's Aly, he's a drama queen. He takes everything too seriously and does crazy s**t. But that's why we love him, right?"
"No," I said, glaring at my younger sister. "I love him because he's the only person who has ever shown any sign of accepting me, despite my decisions in life and my beliefs."
She looked at her feet. My mother was staring at me, like she couldn't believe how cruel I was being.
Well, gee, you didn't abandon me for being myself at all. I stared back into her eyes, and I saw fear. She looked away, and even left the room.
Kailey followed her, I could tell she was crying.
I was lucky Alyosha was stupid. He'd jumped off a two story building. It wasn't enough to kill anyone. It had looked so far from the ground while looking down.
My damages weren't severe. I had broken my arm, and one leg and sprained my neck. Some bruising, but otherwise, I was fine.
After a week, they discharged me.
I went to the mental ward.
"Alyosha?"
The boy curled up on the bed looked up at me, grey-blue eyes puffy and red. He'd been crying. "Chrystal." His voice was cold, and it stung a little.
He looked fine. I had taken the damage.
"Alyosha, are you done with being suicidal?"
He shook his head.
"You don't have to die, you know."
"Yes I do."
"Why? Why do you think you need to die?"
"Because I want to."
"Why?"
"Because I've run out of options. Kailey won't break me, and you've gone soft."
"What the ******** are you talking about, Alyosha?" Me? Soft? I may be a woman now, but I can still beat the s**t out of people.
"I just....I just wanted the pain. I felt numb. I needed to feel something. It bothered me."
"And dying would make you feel something?"
"Well.....when I was out cold after the accident, I had a new life....and I liked it better. You were still you. Kailey was dead. I was done with high school. I had you. I was happy."
I winced. "I'm still me, I'm just a woman now..."
"You don't want me anymore though."
"Alyosha....I'm sorry, but I just want you to be happy with someone your own age, someone who will be with you longer."
He let out a.....growl? He sounded like a possessed cat sometimes. It was kind of funny.
"There's no one my own age. I'll kill them all, if it means I can be with you."
"Alyosha....you're being too dramatic. Calm the ******** down."
"How can I be calm when I'm not allowed to love the person I've always loved?"
"Alyosha! Shut the ******** up!" I yelled, and something seemed to snap in his head.
His eyes changed suddenly, they seemed....brighter.
More hopeful.
Weird kid.
Alyosha looked at me, hungrily.
"No. Go ******** yourself, dumb a**."
He sighed, and looked away.
"I love you, Alyosha."
"Love you too, Chrystal."
I left. I couldn't bear to know that it was all my fault. I couldn't stand seeing him so depressed. It hurt too much.
When had I become so soft? When had I gained a heart? The ability to feel sad when others were hurt, the ability to empathize with others?
I didn't like it.
I didn't like this constant pain in my chest.
It hurt so much I could hardly breath.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
((This is more of an alternate ending than an epilogue. Just saying.))
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