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LillLazaru5

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:16 pm


Hi. I just want some constructive criticism because I never had any real criticism of my writings before because I've been a bit shy about it. I want you guys to help me in what I can improve in my writing.

This is a piece of one of my short stories I've been working on for a short story collection.

Quote:
Catherine pointed at the chalkboard.
“What’s on the chalkboard?” Ms. Mal asked.
Catherine then answered,“Who is that?”
Ms. Mal got up from her desk to take a glance. There was no one there other than the little girl who sat back down with the rest of the kids.
“No one is there, sweetie,” answered Ms. Mal calmingly, “it is just the chalkboard.”
“No,” Catherine rowed back, “There is a lady there.”
Ms. Mal looked at her strangely; there was certainly no woman there. Ms. Mal figured it was just the little girl’s imagination, and this was very natural to her. When she was in college back in Arizona, they were regarding children with imaginary friends or seeing things that aren’t there. Their brains were still developing and they’re still learning about the world around them, so anything imaginary was very natural.
Using this knowledge in her mind, Ms. Mal then asked little Catherine. “What’s the lady doing?”
“She’s standing there,” Catherine said, “She’s mad at me.”

“Why do you think she’s mad at you? What does she look like?”

“She’s covered with red lines.”

Ms. Mal stared. This was much more difficult. She had never knew a little girl would imagine things like that, or even knew. Being as calm as she could, Ms. Mal walked and then crouched down in front of her and said, “No one is mad at you Catherine. No one here is, now I need you to calm down okay? Then the lady will go away.”
Catherine looked as if she was about to cry, with sniffling as the first symptom, “She is mad at me. She won’t go away. She’s mad at me. She’s mad at me. She’s mad at me.”

Catherine stopped and her eyes widened again. Suddenly she screamed and crawled backward as the “lady” started to walk toward her. Catherine then lied in a fetus position with her hands covering her head, still screaming.
Ms. Mal went toward her and crouched by her. Her voice was shaking as she spoke, “Calm down Catherine, nothing will hurt you, nothing will hurt you, nothing will hurt you.”
Catherine calmed down and looked up, the lady was gone. Catherine then broke down to a sob and Ms. Mal helped her up. She was about to lead the little girl out the door, then she looked back at the kids, pointing at the crayons on the floor,
“I’ll be right back. Make sure you pick up the mess.”
Her and Catherine exited out of the classroom.

Ms. Mal led Catherine to the nurse and explained everything that happened as well as showing her the infected scrape. The nurse took Catherine inside and Ms. Mal walked back to the classroom. As she was in the halls, she looked back in wonder. No one had told her about this, not even a single phone call. The little Catherine was new and, apparently, had some kind of instability. Ms. Mal then remembered taking care of kids with disabilities and other mental disorders, because she had a disorder herself. She then thought Catherine’s mental sickness (whatever it was) was similar to her own. She couldn’t really be sure though, since she had just met Catherine. More questions then had to be answered, and this she knew. She planned to go to the main office or to the head of the school Mrs. Fumble, and that way she doesn’t have to be worried about it.

It was a few hours later, and the children were at the playground before lunch time. Ms. Mal could not keep her mind off of what happened. She decided to guide her legs to the office of Mrs. Fumble. She knocked on the door and waited with her arms crossed. An old lady, maybe in her early 50’s, with white hair that touched her breasts wearing a red dress decorated with flowers, answered the door.
“Hello Ms. Mal, what can I do for you?” She greeted with her low voice of wisdom.
“Mrs. Fumble,” Ms. Mal answered, “I’m here about the new student in my class.”
“Aah,” Mrs. Fumble replied, “Yes, I have known of her. Come in.”
Ms. Mal did as she was told and sat on a chair with a large desk in front of her. Mrs. Fumble sat on the chair behind the desk and then spoke,
“Is there something troubling you about her?”
“Actually, I was never notified about her,” Ms. Mal replied in a stern voice, “and I was not notified that she might have a disorder either. I was wondering why no one had told me.”
“Actually,”Mrs. Fumble replied, “we tried to call you, but you weren’t answering. Lately, you haven’t been answering our phone calls, and I assumed you felt ill. You’ve been acting like it for a couple days.”
Ms. Mal then thought about those calls she hadn’t been answering. The truth was she had been feeling quite sick, mostly because her disorder takes in and it puts a lot on her mind, but it shouldn’t prevent her from taking those phone calls. Neither should it prevent from being notified either.
Ms. Mal replied more calmly, “Well, I’m truly sorry about not answering the calls. I should’ve been more responsible. I’ve been feeling troubled and had a lot on my mind.”
“I understand Ms. Mal,” Mrs. Fumble said, “since I know of your health records. You may not believe me, but Catherine may have some kind of instability very similar to yours. Yours is more severe though, but since she is still a child, she cannot control it as much as you could. I heard what happened this morning, and I believed you’ve handled the situation well. I will give you some advice though; you’ll have to expect more of this to come.”
Ms. Mal absorbed the information into her mind, and then asked, “Do the parents know?”
“I’ve never gotten a hold of them,” Mrs. Fumble answered, “I tried, but each time one of them sounds completely drunk or hung-over. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help.”
“Actually, you’ve helped a lot,” Ms. Mal replied. She stood from her chair,
“Thank you very much Mrs. Fumble.”
Ms. Mal then walked out of the office. Mrs. Fumble’s smile then disappeared as Ms. Mal left. Her expression was then turned to an emotionless face. She then sighed.


If you want me to add more, I can. What do you guys think?

EDIT: I did some editing, and the dialogue made the piece longer than intended *shivers* and I'm a little worried about the dialogue parts because there were so many of them. Can you guys (the same people even) see if I did my editing right? Thanks.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:47 pm


It was a great story but it ended kind of sudden; it seemed like there should be more. There were also alot of awkard sentences(For example when the story says "Catherine then pointed at the chalkboard." it seems like there should be more ahead of it and just doesn't sound right when you start off.) and a few basic mistakes(This sentence: An old lady, maybe in her early 50’s with white hair that touched her breasts and wearing a red dress decorated with flowers, answered the door. For example, should look like this: An old lady, maybe in her early 50’s, with white hair that touched her breasts, wearing a red dress decorated with flowers answered the door.). But other than those things your story was great!(o:

DKMiller


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 8:00 pm


Ok, one thing that's bothering me about this piece, although a great piece, is that you need to separate the speech parts. Dialogue is not a part of the description, it is a whole other thing by itself, it needs to be separated from the rest. Other than that, there are few other things that bug me, like "Catherine then pointed at the chalkboard." Watch your beginnings, because it feels like it has something before it, but you left it out. Also at the beginning I couldn't tell who was talking at first. Clarify that a bit more. And the "disability" thing sounds like more of a "disorder" because a disability is different from what you are describing. I really enjoyed that piece, though, and keep up the good work!

((Not to sound like a know-it-all, but "criticism" is not what you're looking for, "criticism" is all bad things, what you're looking for is "critique" or "constructive criticism". ^.^'))
PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 8:47 pm


DKMiller
It was a great story but it ended kind of sudden; it seemed like there should be more. There were also alot of awkard sentences(For example when the story says "Catherine then pointed at the chalkboard." it seems like there should be more ahead of it and just doesn't sound right when you start off.) and a few basic mistakes(This sentence: An old lady, maybe in her early 50’s with white hair that touched her breasts and wearing a red dress decorated with flowers, answered the door. For example, should look like this: An old lady, maybe in her early 50’s, with white hair that touched her breasts, wearing a red dress decorated with flowers answered the door.). But other than those things your story was great!(o:


Well, it was just a piece and not the entire story. Thank you though. I usually have a problem with the word "then", so I will fix that. That sentence, I have a problem with commas for some reason. I'll fix that too.

Thank you very much. biggrin

LillLazaru5

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LillLazaru5

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 8:53 pm


Sapphirianna
Ok, one thing that's bothering me about this piece, although a great piece, is that you need to separate the speech parts. Dialogue is not a part of the description, it is a whole other thing by itself, it needs to be separated from the rest. Other than that, there are few other things that bug me, like "Catherine then pointed at the chalkboard." Watch your beginnings, because it feels like it has something before it, but you left it out. Also at the beginning I couldn't tell who was talking at first. Clarify that a bit more. And the "disability" thing sounds like more of a "disorder" because a disability is different from what you are describing. I really enjoyed that piece, though, and keep up the good work!

((Not to sound like a know-it-all, but "criticism" is not what you're looking for, "criticism" is all bad things, what you're looking for is "critique" or "constructive criticism". ^.^'))


Thank you very much. I have a problem with the word "then" for some reason, so I will fix that. I've always had a problem with the dialogue, but it's mostly because most of the books I've read had always that kind of writing style, and I've talked to some others, and they had no problem with it. I'll definitely do something about the dialogue, thank you for pointing that out.

The reason it wasn't really clear was because it was just a piece of the short story, so it wasn't necessarily the beginning of the story, so sorry about that. It's supposed to be third person as well, and I'm sorry I didn't make that clear on the first post. redface

I do know the definitions between them, but I'll definitely edit that specific part. I wanted to make Ms. Mal uncertain of Catherine because she thought she had a disability, but I can see why it bothered you. I did not make that very clear. redface

Thank you very much for your help. I really appreciate it. I'll get to work on fixing it now. Once again, thank you so much. biggrin
PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 4:54 pm


Here's another sample of one of the stories from my short story collection. It is also a gift for my mom, so I really need your help on making this great.

Quote:
At the police station, the girl was taken into an empty room. There were no windows, and two chairs by a table. The walls were plastered with a grey color, and the more steps the officer and the little girl took, the louder it was, which determined the emptiness. The girl looked down and saw the floors were white and made with a hard material. The girl then breathed the air. The air smelled had the scent of an old home mixed with coffee freshness and iron.The girl then sat herself down on one of the chairs, and then another officer sat on the chair across from her. They were now face to face.
The officer then took out a tape recorder from his pocket. He put it on the table, and then noticed the young lady staring at it. He then glanced at her eyes. Her eyes were a very dark blue, close to black, and to him felt devilish.
He then explained to her, “This tape recorder is for the police. It’ll record my questions, as well as your answers.”
The girl then looked up with her eyes staring at him, and her hair sliding to the forehead, covering part of her eyes. It reminded him of the evil little girls he had seen in horror movies, one of them being The Bad Seed. He then sighed and pressed one of the buttons, and then the tape recorder let out a little red light.
He then explained, “I’m going to ask you some questions, and you must answer all of them, understand?”
The girl nodded.
“What is your name?”
The girl didn’t respond. She looked at the tape recorder with a squint. She then glared at it while it recorded the silence between her and the officer. The officer then snapped his finger at her. The girl responded to the snap and looked at his eyes again.
“Young lady, I asked you a question. What is your name?”
The girl then finally responded, “I don’t have a name.”
The officer then raised an eyebrow for a second. Her voice was deep and low like a wise, but demented grandmother. He then sighed at her.
“Yes you do. I know you do. Why won’t you tell me your name?”
The girl replied without an emotion in her tone, “No name is important.”
The officer shook his head at the response, as well as rolling his eyes. He almost laughed right after the reply, and then he looked at her. She knew he was going to laugh. He then let his curiosity take over and then he said.
“It is for us, young lady. If you don’t want to say your name, then that’s your business. You said you would answer all of my questions.”
“I said nothing.”
The officer blinked at what came from the young girl’s mouth. Why would she correct him? The officer the snapped.
“Saying it or not, you agreed to answer my questions! Answer me when I ask, what is your name?!”
The girl did not respond, and then gave him an expression of disgust. She did not like saying her name to anyone. Everyone would mock her if she did, and she meant everyone. Everyone she knew in the school, in her neighborhood, even her sisters. The whole room was in silence, and the officer tapped his fingers on the table. The girl did not like the tapping; for it made one of her eyes mildly twitch.
The officer said to her, “I’m not going to stop until I hear a name.”
The girl then lied, “My name is Alice. Alice Blue.”
The Officer then nodded to the answer, and asked another question, “Did you kill your family?”
Alice gave a wicked smile and then giggled at the question. The question was too simple to answer, probably because she and the officer already knew.
The Officer then growled, “I did not ask you to laugh. I asked you if you killed your family.”
Alice laughed even harder. The officer widened as he heard the laugh. It was an insane laugh. It felt as if it lasted for hours when it really just started. One of his hands began to shake the more she laughed. She then stopped and took a deep breath.
“Yes, I killed them. I killed them all.”
“Can you tell me why you killed them Alice?”
“You don’t need to know. It’ll give you nothing. All you needed was a confession. Just take me to where I’m supposed to go.”
“Where are you supposed to go?”
“I thought you already knew. It’s prison. Imprison me!”
“Why would you want to go to prison?”
“I don’t want to go to prison. I want to go to where demons dwell. They’re my friends. They told me to do it.”
“Why did you listen to them?”
“Because they said I would be free.”
The officer raised an eyebrow at all of this, not understanding any of it. All he understood was that this girl was insane. He stopped the tape.
“We’re done.”
Alice then began to laugh that insane laugh from a minute ago. The officer then closed the door and handed the tape recorder to the guard by the door.
“She confessed,” he said to the officer solemnly, “but she said nothing else.”


This is an interview piece, in case you were wondering. If you can give some constructive criticism, that'd be awesome. Thank you.

EDIT: I edited the beginning to help a little bit.

LillLazaru5

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Kaleidosaur
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:49 pm


Very compelling, and intriguing. I like the dialogue, because it made me feel the insanity of 'Alice'. I would like to see more description however. Maybe you should try to focus on more of the senses, like smell, or hearing. Also, the setting wasn't described very well, so I couldn't bring a clear picture to mind about what it looked like. Still though, all in all, it peaked my interest. Well done.
PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:20 pm


RoxyChick2003
Very compelling, and intriguing. I like the dialogue, because it made me feel the insanity of 'Alice'. I would like to see more description however. Maybe you should try to focus on more of the senses, like smell, or hearing. Also, the setting wasn't described very well, so I couldn't bring a clear picture to mind about what it looked like. Still though, all in all, it peaked my interest. Well done.


Thanks so much. I was kind of focused on the dialogue, but I'll definitely put more descriptions in there to get more of the feeling. Other than that, I was wanting to make my readers feel that creepiness in "Alice." The rest of the story is supposed to be even creepier than Alice herself. I will definitely get to it. Thank you very much. heart

LillLazaru5

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