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 Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 7:34 pm
 There's a time to discriminate
Hate every ******** that's in your way
Hello there. My name is Tobias. I prefer to go by Rath. That's the name my Master has given me. Or rather, it's short for the name He has given me -- Rathlarias. I'm in a healthy, happy, loving BDSM relationship, and I can assure you it's much better for me than the relationship I was in prior to this. I'm a pre-operative, pre-HRT FtM. I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder over two years ago, but have since quit counseling due to financial and personal issues that I wanted to get sorted out before I went back. I prefer male pronouns. Please ignore the fact that my avatar is currently female. I'll get into that in a little bit.
I'm twenty-three years old, but you wouldn't guess it by my looks or the way I behave. I'm more like a teenager, or sometimes even a little kid. My behavior varies depending on my mood and the moods of those around me, though, so sometimes I do actually act like an adult. lol.
I haven't been formally diagnosed with anything else, but close friends, former significant others, and family members have said they feel that I'm bipolar, have some sort of anxiety disorder, and/or obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I do tend to agree with them, but since I haven't been diagnosed, I don't actually claim to have any of these things. I just know that I have tendencies that do reflect the diagnostic criteria for them.
I don't really feel like getting into any descriptions about these things right here and now, but if they come up in subsequent journal posts, I'll take the time out to explain them then.
The main reason I joined this guild is because I (and those closest to me) feel that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, or something like it. I'm afraid to get formally diagnosed, though, because I don't think I would cope well with it. I cope fine as I am, for the most part, and am accepted and loved for who I am. Particularly by those close to me who have or know a lot about the disorder, and understand what I go through. But I don't like asking them questions or talking about it too much, because I try to be considerate of others' feelings and whatnot, and keep in mind that not everyone's experiences are going to be the same. So rather than ramble on and on about this to them and have that be the biggest tie that binds us together as friends or what-have-you, I sought out a different place to talk about it, that way we can have "normal" discussions beyond all that.
Feel free to comment on this journal and/or ask questions if you'd like. I love feedback, input, advice, etc.
I think that about covers it for now. When I feel like getting more into things, or have something specific to write about -- or Laelith feels like throwing in his two cents -- I'll post another entry.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:12 pm
There's a time to discriminate
Hate every ******** that's in your way
I don't know what would classify as "triggering" material, but this entry is about alternate personalities and possible DID. So if that's triggering for anyone, then this is the warning for it. sweatdrop
I suppose that since I have nothing better to do at the moment, I might as well go into a little more detail about the possible DID I have, since that's the whole reason I joined this guild in the first place.
I have several people who are close to me who have DID or something like it, and I have gotten closer to them as time has gone on. In the past two months, maybe a little more, things have been progressing rapidly.
It started with conversations with my OCs. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term, "OC" means "Original Character", used for roleplay, story-writing, art, or what-have-you.) I used to get "in character" when writing or roleplaying in the past. But then it evolved into mentally sitting next to my characters, holding conversations with them. Asking them what they would do instead of just assuming or going by what I felt was right. From there, they started, essentially, growing personalities and minds of their own. They became real people, for all intents and purposes. They're just stuck in my head. But sometimes they could come out here. Almost like they're possessing me. And I just sit back and watch. I have some degree of control over it, but it's like watching a movie.
From there, it developed even more. It stopped just being roleplay characters that "came to life", so to speak. Instead of me creating people, people started coming to me. They had their own pasts, their own lives, and didn't know what was going on. Some reacted well; some didn't. They interact with each other, and with me, and with those around me. There are several of them, but most are weak, fleeting, and don't come around very often. If they do, they don't "come out", as we call it.
The main one that actually does come out besides me is named Laelith. He claims to be an incubus. And after a lot of the things I've seen, I'm more than willing to believe him. That being said, he can change his appearance at will -- including from male to female. This is why my avatar's currently female. It reflects his current appearance.
He may or may not write in this journal. As may others, though like I said, no one else comes out much. Most of them have no interest in "this world", as they call it. Laelith does, but he's not really the journaling type. He prefers to accept things as they are and not overthink things.
I am fully aware that these are alternate personalities that are in fact just fragments of my own personality, figments of my imagination, or something else entirely. But they look, act, sound, and feel like real people to me. They have their own emotions, opinions, and so on. So I accept them as real people. Just stuck inside my body, for whatever reason. I don't know; I don't care. I accept them, and they accept me, and that's good enough.
I know I may sound completely bat-s**t insane, but I'm being 100% honest and truthful. That's why I'm here. To have a safe haven to discuss what goes on in my head, and to learn and discuss about things of the like -- without being an annoyance to those people I know who have similar issues.
That covers the basics of it, I think. Any questions, comments, etc., feel free to post.
A good example of what I'm talking about: I was essentially by myself, and Laelith was off playing with the children. But now I've caught his attention and he's sitting on the arm of the chair I'm in, reading over my shoulder and being nosy. Asking me why I'm bothering with something like this when there's no point to it. And I'm explaining to him as I type that I get tired of bothering people I know with it when I don't have any significant comments to make. A lot happens in our lives every day that I don't share with people because it does seem insignificant. But this is a place where I can ramble on about it to my heart's content, and won't be judged for it. Plus, I can talk about my other problems, like my social phobias and whatnot. It's not all about you, Laelith. And now he just grinned and said "Sure it isn't" before walking off to check on the kids again.
I guess I'll hush for now, and post again when I have something relevant to say. I just needed to get a little something out to explain myself.
More again later. Toodles.
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