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Reply Writing: Poetry
the war damn gaarden gnomes

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Super Bunnie Chan

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 11:30 am


“THE WAR “
It was the break of dawn; it seemed like an ordinary day. The orange sphere shot up its normal rays of light. Moist dew soaked my shoes as I stepped out to take on the world. I breathed in heavily the cool morning air. Yet I turned quickly to paranoia, tussling took place in the bushes led me to believe that I was being watched by forces that I did not know of yet.
“What could be stalking me?”
“No creature stirred this early what could it be?”
It stirred again, whipping around in panic I finally caught what had been around me .A little plastic garden gnome, I sigh was released. What absurdity, that was the reason for my panic. Just a little plastic man tipped over on its side, nothing to fear. Yet the eyes did feel like it pierced my soul. I stumbled forward going on towards my destination, and then more sound behind me came again. I turned, another one came upon the scene, it stood beside the other as if it aided it. Now this was absurd how did the other one get there? Confusion and a little disturbance filled my thoughts. They did look odd, their little face filled with joy but never the less fear pulsed through me. Taking a couple of steps back , I waited nothing happened. Just my imagination again, nothing that has happened before .As I dazed off in past memories another one passed my eye sight taking its place by the others. They stood in a row starring at me with those deep painted lifeless cheerful eyes. More panic began to overwhelm me. I could not perceive this, they aren’t alive or real! Plastic is what they are made of. No soul, no breathe, they aren’t real. My mind couldn’t grasp how this was happening. They were just garden gnomes.
Pitter patter came from behind me
I shifted to see what had caused it, nothing again. When I turned back the three from before surrounded me, circling me with their eyes staring back at me. Sweat dripped from my forehead. I realized it was me or them. More started to surrounded me, more with their devious smiles, their damn small fingers and hats. Nothing but silence filled the air. A pause in time between me and the gnomes. With one quick sound of a coo of a bird they attacked. Punching, biting, doing all that was possible to win and be victorious.
A man on a bike peddled by, but through the chaos of the attack I managed to hold a hand out to him; “Help me dear sir!” a scream of agony and panic was released. The man stopped in front of me straddled out with plastic lifeless garden gnomes. “FREAK.” He peddled on. I jumped at the chance to be free, running in locking the door to my house. They stood out there waiting for me, but can anyone really see through this insanity?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 16, 2010 3:29 pm


Interesting form for a poem.

Quote:
“What could be stalking me?”
“No creature stirred this early what could it be?”

Is there one character with a split personality or two characters?

Quote:
I sigh was released

Did you mean a sigh was released?

Quote:
Yet the eyes did feel like it pierced my soul

I think they would fit better then it, because eyes is plural

Quote:
I stumbled forward going on towards my destination, and then more sound behind me came again.

The end is written in an interesting manner. The more I read it the more it makes sense and I like it, sorry I'm blathering a bit.

Quote:
I turned, another one came upon the scene, it stood beside the other as if it aided it.

Did the gnome walk on the scene or had it just appeared?

Quote:
I waited nothing happened

I would make this two sentences cause I think that would add to the suspense a bit.

Quote:
deep painted lifeless cheerful eyes

I believe that since it's a list you're supposed to put commas between the adjectives.

Quote:
With one quick sound of a coo of a bird they attacked

the double "of a" isn't working well in this sentence in my opinion.

Quote:
A man on a bike peddled by, but through the chaos of the attack I managed to hold a hand out to him

I think that the but should be replaced with and to make more sense.


lol forgot the critique, sorry.
I definetly enjoyed the story line. It was interesting though there were one or two times that I couldn't quite understand the setting towards the end.
The title was interesting, though I didn't feel that it fit as well as other titles could.
I enjoyed the suspense that you brought to the story and effectively kept alive.

Kasi Karra
Crew

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Writing: Poetry

 
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