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Chrono and Yuke here to bring you his thoughts on...TNA's Hardcore Justice PPV. I shall systematically pick this ppv apart. So without further adieu...

SEGMENT #2:
6-Man Tag Team Match – FBI vs Kid Kash, Simon Diamond, Johnny Swinger

So as Mike Tenay officially renames the Impact Zone as the “Extreme Zone” (everything is “extreme” apparently – see above rant. I rest my case.) or for the simpletons who can't spell extreme, X-treme because goodness knows X-treme makes it sound all the more Hardcore.

So apparently this match is officially happening because Simon & Swinger are still angry over losing title shot to FBI over ten years ago. Are you ******** kidding me? Early on it’s a battle of schoolboy roll ups. Great example of ECW being a place for true wrestling there (sarcasm sign). Ok so basically this is just a way to get the FBI on the show, just like WWE did in 2005 and 2006. Soon, the overweight and out of shape Diamond meets up with the overweight and out of shape Tracey “Freddy Joe Floyd” Smothers and it dissolves into a dance-off.

That’s right. A ******** dance-off. I’m told that this used to sometimes happen in the old ECW but this wasn’t even entertaining. Especially when Snooki’s pool house starts dancing. Wait, what? Big Sal hails from Snooki’s pool house? Whatever.
So the dance-off breaks down into a fight. Kid Kash leaps off the top rope and lands softly onto a group of seven or eight fat ******** (that’s real hardcore). Tenay lies to the audience and claims his big satellite dish picked up ECW as if to say “Hey, I liked ECW too! I belong here!” And now the crowd is actually cheering “This is awesome!” proving once again that there isn’t enough psychiatric care available in Orlando these days. The FBI wins and two minutes later, the entire world forgets about them. Again.

SEGMENT #4: Backstage with Al Snow, Stevie Richards, Simon Dean . . . er, Nova, The Blue Tilly, and Lupus

The term “motley crew” has never been so appropriate. What the ******** was this s**t? Oh wait. This is the comedic part of the show. Yeah, there’s Al Snow worried about getting sued. There’s Nova making fun of Snow’s failed gimmicks. Yep, a fake blue Meanie which gets Snow even more worried so he leaves (best decision by anyone in the arena that night, by the way), and Lupus? Ok who the ******** is Lupus? *Google search* Ok so he was apparently a Raven mini-me in the latter days of ECW. O . . . k. Sure. Oh, they’re picking each other’s noses. That’s hilarious. Oh wait. No it’s not. It’s pathetic.

Here’s my big problem with this segment and the rest of the card as a whole. This is supposed to be a celebration of the old ECW and what it represented. ECW was touted as counter-culture, don’t-give-a-s**t attitudes, and pissing off network executives and lawyers left, right, and center. ECW IS EXTREME. Is being afraid of trademark lawsuits an example of being “extreme”? Yes, we all understand that WWE owns trademarks like “ECW”, “Balls Mahoney”, and “bWo”. We get that. But trying to hide it and even poking fun of it goes against everything ECW stood for. Paul Heyman used to yell and scream and get angry when referencing something in a tongue-in-cheek manner. Hell, he even flat out dared TNN to take him off the air. Now, it’s coming off as just childish. Remember, when your mom told your brother to stop touching you and he held his finger half-an-inch from your shoulder and taunted, “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. You can’t get angry because I’m not touching you”? That’s what this is. And what’s even worse, the WWE lawyers came out and said that they never had any intention of suing TNA for trademark infringement! The WWE didn’t care! It’s like sneaking a beer from the kitchen into your room when you’re of LEGAL DRINKING AGE! ********, TNA! What the ******** is wrong with you? You don’t get it! Smartbreak, help me understand! Even just a bit!

I guess I could see where they are coming from. I mean, who wouldn’t complain about a job where they were paid a six figure salary to train young talents who will prolong the lifespan of the business they love? Shouldn’t they be a little more upset over the fact that TNA offered their friend, The Blue Meanie, an insulting payday? Shouldn’t they be a little aggravated over the fact that TNA thought it would be a good idea to replace Meanie with a fatter guy from a bad fraternity gimmick (which still has yet to be done properly)? I feel like them taking their anger out on Vince McMahon, who gave ECW more than enough positive attention over the years, is a foolish way to vent. A better way to relieve your frustration is to purchase a stress ball. They are soft and easy to squeeze in your hand. I went through about 6 during the course of the show, so please be sure to have backups.

Stress balls be damned. I need something tall, alcoholic, and devoid of mixer. Is this show almost over yet? Only 30 minutes in?!?!? Ugh, let’s move on.

EGMENT #6: TNA Remembers #2
Who the ******** is this? Madison Rayne? Do all the Knockouts have to wear make up that makes them look Egyptian? Well, at least the TNA Women’s Title isn’t split in half like a cartoon prop like the WWE’s Women’s Title. What’s she talking about? Oh, she’s talking about the fact that ECW was all about hardcore wrestling. See? This is what I was talking about. Why is it that this blonde bimbo can recognize reality but the beer-swilling ECW faithful can’t? Oh hey! When did Seth Rogan sign with TNA? What? Matt Morgan? Why does that name ring a bell. Team Angle? Smartbreak, take over while I look this guy up.

I got my first smile of the night, hearing Matt Morgan talk about a local spot in New Jersey that I enjoy going to. That would end up being the last, but it’s good to find at least one nice thing to say during a really, really, really stressful situation. If you can do that, you can do anything.


Ooooooohhh! That Matt Morgan. Huh. He lived on the Jersey Shore. Does he know Snooki? I think it’s funny that not even Matt Morgan paid to see ECW. Oh no, Kennedy, don’t do this. Don’t degrade yourself to a pre-tape on a shitty pay-per-view. You deserve better than this. And then they cut you off?!?! Come on! The bag of smashed assholes . . .with make up got more time than you. *hands head* Boo, TNA. Just boo.

SEGMENT #8: Stevie Richards vs Aldo Montoya . . .er . . . Justin Credibe . . . er . . . PJ Polaco (dammit!)

Ok so PJ can’t use the name Justin Credible. The WWE has that trademark and . . . what? An ex-girlfriend took it? Are you serious? Ha! Loser. If you ever thought that ECW was still a great promotion just before it closed, just realize that PJ/Justin/Aldo was the ECW World Champion. Then remember that he was second-in-command in the group X-Factor. Yeah. X-Factor. He played second fiddle to X-Pac. Do I need to spell this out more? No. Ok then.

This will technically be the second match of the night between two men who were never in ECW at the same time. Naturally, this pairing makes little to no sense and seems as if it were thrown together at the very last minute. I won’t let that upset me. What upset me was the fact that TNA and PJ Polaco didn’t brainstorm to come up with a better name. Maybe I could offer a few suggestions? How about Justin The-Ring-For-A-Payday or Justin Case-I_Can’t-Use-Aldo-Montoya? Or just maybe they could have called him Justin Need-of-A-Night-Off-From-Olive-Garden? That was upsetting. Oh yeah, the match sucked too.

Anyway, Stevie looks like the only ECW original who is still in great shape. Aside from that, I’ve got nothing to say about this match. It’s decent but I can’t help but think about two things. One, why is there a deep blue light on the ring during these matches. I don’t remember ECW being tinted blue. What’s the deal? It’s just so distracting. Is this supposed to be ECW Under The Sea? Is Sebastian going to come out and sing a song for Ariel? I kind of hope so. Ariel was hot.
Secondly, why is Taz talking about the “thin mats” on the outside like them being thin is supposed to make the wrestlers more hardcore? They didn’t have mats in the old ECW so wouldn’t that make them more hardcore then?
So Stevie wins and Aldo attacks him with a Singapore Cane. Did someone say Singapore Cane? Sure as s**t out comes the greatest one trick pony in all of professional wrestling, The Sandman. When Sandman went to WCW, they named him Harcore Hak. Here’s something you may not know. WCW originally came up with a name that would more accurately describe Sandman and his wrestling ability. But they decided to change his first name from Talentless to Hardcore at the last second. And what does Sandman do? He canes Aldo, of course. That’s it. Just canes him. Then canes him again. During the canings, the crowd chants “E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!” You know, because ECW is so much more than hardcore wrestling. Smartbreak, anything to add

Beer is considered a depressant and when too much is consumed, one can lose control of their anger. Take The Sandman here. He took a Singapore Cane to the face of PJ Polaco for no reason whatsoever. I think beer consumption played a major role in this attack. In order to avoid fits of anger during this show, I decided not to imbibe alcohol.

SEGMENT #10: Remembering The Dearly Departed

Wow, this really pisses me off. Tenay sets up what you think will be a stirring tribute the ECW wrestlers who have passed on and all you get is a black screen with white text. Black screen with white text!

That’s it? No sappy music or brief montage of pictures with their names? Oh, what? Does the WWE own EVERY picture EVER taken of ALL the dead ECW wrestlers? Bullshit. How does white text pay any kind of tribute?

Take a look at the Photoshopped entrance videos TNA puts out and you’re telling me that they couldn’t put together a montage of public domain photos to actually give a tribute to the late wrestlers? Was it really too much to spend? You sent a camera crew to track down the Blue ******** Meanie but you couldn’t spring for pictures of Chris Candido? ******** you, TNA. This was low. This was really low.

The last sentence on the screen was “Your contributions to the company will never be forgotten”. Really? Could have fooled me. You self-important pricks.

SEGMENT #12: Backstage with Mick Foley

So blah, blah, blah. Another long, boring, pointless Mick Foley promo. You know what? I can’t hold it in anymore. I’ve got something to say about Mick Foley. I used to like and even respect the guy. But that’s all changed. He’s a hypocrite in the purest sense of the word. In his book, he claimed to be so pissed off about Heyman calling him a whore for money that it nearly ruined the friendship he and Paul had.

But ever since then, he’s done nothing but whore himself out to the business for money. WrestleMania 2000, being the WWE Commissioner, wrestling Ric Flair at SummerSlam to promote his book, appearing on WWE Classics On Demand to promote his book, signing with TNA, becoming the TNA Champion, and now he’s even whoring out Hogan’s book live on pay-per-view. What the ********? You’re such a b***h. I guess the Million Dollar Man was right. Everyone, even the self-righteous, has a price. Whore.

SEGMENT #14: Kahoneys & Axl Rotten vs The Dudley Boys . . . er, Team 3-D (********, I really suck at this!)
If I knew what this match was going to dissolve into, I probably would have slit my own jugular before watching it. So Kahoneys and Rotten come out with chairs and claim they are the most hardcore and extreme tag team in wrestling – because ECW was so much more than hardcore. They challenge any team to match and out comes the greatest tag team in ECW history . . . The D . . . Joel Gertner??? Ugh. You know when ECW went under there were a lot of things and people who were truly missed. I mean that. Raven, Tommy Dreamer, etc. But when ECW went under there were some people who should have stayed in history. Joel Gertner is the most useless, waste of space I’ve ever laid eyes on in professional wrestling and I’ve seen Phantasio! Here’s what he said word-for-word:

I

Who is this fat ********? Seriously. Back in 2006, DX came out and did d**k jokes every week and the Internet s**t on them because they were forty year old men doing d**k jokes. Why oh why is this quintessential tub of disgusting lard fat cool for doing the SAME ******** THING?!?! ******** hypocrites.
Speaking of tubs of disgusting lard fat, he comes out with the Dudley Boys. Yeah, I know they’re Team 3D now but ******** it. These guys are active wrestlers right? So why are they so fat? Gertner, Mahoney, and Rotten can be fat and I understand. But the Dudleys are still active. Why are they not in better shape? I’m in better shape than this two ******** and I get winded climbing a flight of stairs!
Ever notice how the ECW Dudleys are just the current Dudleys but just in tye dye shirts? Seriously. Nothing has changed about this guys in twenty years. Cena’s only been around for five years and he’s changed three or four times. The only thing these guys change is their underwear although I’m pretty sure that only happens when their fat and crotch germs erode it to the point where the underwear disintegrates and they have no choice but to get new “I Jerk It For Hardcore Man Action” underroos. And by the way, if the Dudley Boys were so recognizable in ECW, why weren’t they booked for a match already? Why were they even available for an open challenge?
Anyways, the match starts and it’s all crap from the word “go”. It’s an utter abomination. Bubba even makes a speech about how the people don’t want to see a “wrestling” match and they want a street fight. Of course they do. ECW was more than just hardcore right? This is the slowest, sloppiest, and most boring street fight I’ve ever seen. You’d see a more violent fight between “The Flowery Feltcher” and Trevor Soundlessfarts on the streets of San Francisco. They’re using a water bottle and a Styrofoam head to hurt . . . sorry “hurt” their opponents for ******** sake. I’m not ******** kidding! If you didn’t see this, you might think I’m lying. Especially when I tell you they had a light saber fight. Yes! They used toy light sabers from the Star Wars movies in an obviously choreographed sword fight reminiscent of a grade five play. They even stabbed each other with light sabers! Can you believe that? I saw it and I can’t believe it. The fans even chanted “Use the Force!” I guess they forgot that “This is wrestling!” Taz says that this is the type of match that the boys in the back would crowd around the monitor to watch. You know, because ECW was more than hardcore wrestling.

You’re probably thinking “Jesus Christ, Chrono. You’re going on and on and on. Move on to Yuke already.” First off, this is my review and I’ll go to Yuke when I’m good and damn ready. Secondly, this is done to make a point. This tag match went on FOREVER! It didn’t seem like it was ever going to end. They do the fiery table gimmick and it’s finally over! BUT NO!! Out come the Gangstas. New Jack and The Other One come out and they’re fat too. This is just sad. Bubba’s going to hold them off with the light saber before it deteriorates into a hug fest. This is just stupid and it doesn’t stop. Ever been in a conversation with a couple where the husband is drunk and starts talking “like a man” while the wife just stares and you don’t want to move for fear of setting her off? This is what this was. I was almost crying while pleading for it to stop.

Yuke, I’m going to claw my own eyes out. Help me, please!

Ya know, Chrono, that Cojones Mahoney looks a lot like the guy who used to pine for Kelly Kelly’s affection. It was nice to see Joel Gertner, who I’ve always enjoyed. Now, if you went into this match expecting anything resembling professional wrestling, then it will be very hard for you to keep your composure. An exercise I implemented was that of “changing the channel”. At 9:00 on Sunday nights, you are guaranteed to find quality programming on HBO, if you are a subscriber. This time of the year, we get True Blood. It’s a series about a girl named Sookie in Louisiana who can read minds. She is dating Bill, a vampire. Not to be confused with Twilight, this show focuses on adult themes such as sex, drug addiction, sex, murder, sex, dealing with werewolves, sex, and shape-shifting. For those of you with a thirst for blood, this show will quench it by the bucketful. When I decided to tune back, I saw two men engaging in that lightsaber fight Chrono mentioned. Now you can see why I needed to use this technique. When I flipped back, The Gangstas returned and destroyed Bubba, Devon and Joel Gertner… only to let them get up… and hug them.