There's a Time to Laugh "Ephesians 2: 8-9"
First let me say, comments are welcome and I thank all of you who takes the time to read this:
I'm Samantha and I'm the youngest of 4 children. my parents were not raised in the church but in their adult years became more religious and started going to church. By the time I came along my parents pretty much stopped going to church though. My mom told me about God and heaven and hell and I believed in Jesus and such. It wasn't until I was 11 when a friend of my mother's came by and talked to me about Jesus, did I understand. I prayed for God's forgiveness and his saving grace upon my soul.
I had had some major trauma in my life years previous to that and I still questioned how God could let that happen to a child. I prayed often but never for the truly right things. I started attending my Grandmother's church when I was about 12 and she gave me my first bible. I loved going to church and always sat in the front pew. A lot of times it was hard to understand but I loved god and I knew he loved me so that was all that mattered. After about a year I stopped going to church when I was unable to get rides from my family. I still prayed but my life became pretty bad in my early teens. I became bitter and more upset with god and slowly stopped praying and caring. I hurt myself constantly and hated myself because I felt worthless. I attempted suicide more than once. I wanted my life to be taken because of all the hurt I kept locked inside.
At about 15 I was forced into therapy when my biggest secret, which was my being sexually molested when I was 8, came to the light and pretty much my whole family found out. Through 2 different therapists I got over some of my hurt. I began to pray again and have faith but I was still quite doubtful of some things. At 16 I started to help out at the church my parents started attending (but only the Wednesday night bible studies). I helped with the Children's choir. The music leader at the church thought that my piercings would scare the kids so she told me that I needed to remove them. I didn't take well to that and thought she was judging me. I ended up slowly slipping away and eventually stopped going all together.
At 17 I became pregnant, I kept it a secret and thought if no one found out about it I could go through with an abortion. I didn't think I was ready for a child and I prayed constantly to God asking him why he would do this to me. Luckily, I decided to talk to my mom about it and she helped me to see that I couldn't kill an innocent life like that. And I finally realized that God was giving me a beautiful precious life on loan to raise up in him. I remembered hearing that God never gave us more than we could handle and I embraced the gift he was giving me. Even though I became more faithful and believing from that point I still did not attend church. My husband and I married about 2 months before our daughter was born. And When she was born we had her dedicated to the lord at the same church I thought I was judged at.
The day of her dedication my husband had his first seizure and from that day on had many a day. He was rushed to the hospital many times and I often thought I would lose him. To be completely honest I didn't even get a shower the first 2 weeks after my daughter was born because I was either in the hospital helping my husband while my daughter was with my mother or I was taking care of my daughter (my husband wasn't even allowed to hold her due to the seizures). I was stressed thin but finally got that shower ha ha.
After a couple of months with his seizures under control my husband started to use drugs, he had a major problem with that stuff before we ever got together but I thought he quit and that would be the end of it. That rocked me and my family hard. He left me many times but for some reason I was always strong and knew I would survive. During those times people would ask how I was getting through and how I stayed strong and even though I never really said it I knew it was God helping me. He gave me the strength and the courage to handle all that came my way. I became quite optimistic and hopeful. My husband got clean and every now and then I would attend church.
When my daughter was about 18months I started going to church on a regular basis because I knew I wanted my daughter to be brought up in the Lord. I knew I wanted her earliest memories to be about going to church and learning about God and being in a family who had faith and believed!
2 days after my daughters second birthday I was baptized and it was magical. I knew that I was on the right path with God. I found a recovery group called Celebrate Recovery. They are a christian based recovery group who deal with hurts, habits, and hang-ups. They work the 12 steps through God and it's amazing. I'm work on my codependency, anger, and trust issues. I am in my 8th step currently which is "we made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all". God has used that ministry to really transform my life and focus myself on His will and not my own.
I'm learning to read the bible more often and I know that it is through God that all things are possible but if it's not in his plan then it won't happen and I'm okay with that today. I love the Lord and know that it is only He that kept me alive through my depressive suicidal times and it is only He who is opening my eyes, heart, and soul to His will.
Again, thanks for reading this!
And a Time to Cry "Romans 5: 3-5"
