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 Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 12:50 pm
 Okay, to begin with, I usually just lurk within the guild. I'm realllllly busy with nursing school, so if I don't reply right away, that's the reason.
To begin with I was baptized Catholic. Cradle-catholic, for those of you familiar with the term. My mother is an extremely old-school Catholic, very zealous in her faith, to the point it makes other people uncomfortable. Her staunch beliefs have extended to telling me when I was in high school that I was going to hell, that I was on the wrong path, and that I was just going through a phase. I'll admit it, I'm a closet bisexual. I've got no problems romancin' a gal or a guy. She has consistently told me this for about 4 years now and shows no signs of letting up.
Almost two years ago, I was date raped by my ex-boyfriend in a hotel. I'm not afraid to admit I have been engaging in premarital sex with both men and women. But this was different. I was pinned down and I couldn't move until he had his way with me. I was so scared and devastated I waited weeks before telling anybody. I called my mother, thinking that she would be able to help. I was basically asked by her if I was a slut.
I lost my Army ROTC scholarship and possibly a chance of being commissioned into the military as a result of what happened...which is a dream I've had since I was a kid. I've stopped going to Church and pretty lost my belief, in well, anything. One of the biggest reasons why I stopped going is because I felt so damn uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being judged and condemned every time I go (I've been to quite a few different churches and to different Masses). I don't feel like I've got the right to pray or to hope.
I've been told by my therapist that I connect Catholicism=my mother's demands and belittling beliefs. I don't know how to separate nearly 20 years of old school teachings from, well, anything.
I've tried reading the Bible on and off, I've gone on Christian volunteer missions (like Habitat for Humanity)...nothing's really helped. I don't even know what I believe in anymore, and it would be nice to convince myself to believe in something.
(fyi, I'm a girl, if any of this seems a bit weird)
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:25 am
oh gosh...i don't even know what to say...but first off, i admire your courage to admit everything...but let me ask you some questions..do you just want people whom you can vent your feelings to?..do you want them to advice you on what step should you be taking? or do you want people to convince you that there's really something, actually, Someone whom you can believe to?...like.. what do you really want to happen?..well of course you are expecting replies to this thread so please allow me to share a piece of my mind...(oooh boy..this could be pretty long..please bear with me sweatdrop and i hope this helps somehow) judging from your situation, i can't blame you if you do feel lost and confused right now...actually, i do believe that your mother just wants to teach you and guide you to what she knows is the right path..(now i am not a catholic and i am not siding with your mom..) that is why these past four years she keeps on telling you that..but the thing is, what she does isn't very effective for you right? and mind you, this could actually be a good start for you if you keep on searching for the truth...at least you are not like some people who would just clam up, isolate themselves, and do nothing...you're reaching out trying to get some help and that is actually very good..my best friend is actually stone cold and rock solid hard even when she hurts inside so i really admire your opening up.. in my opinion i believe you are having some security issues, every person wants someone whom he/she can lean and depend on especially in dire circumstances that is why you do your thing (but like i said it's just my point of view). i haven't been through situations like that so i'll admit that maybe i can't totally relate to what you're going through..but i can understand your sentiments about believing in something or Someone (i'm referring to God) whom you cannot literally see or hear. believing because you saw is called a belief..believing in what you cannot see is faith..that's the difference..and i know it's very hard for you... you said you've attended church..and you feel that you're being judged and condemned whenever you go?..well, i am not there to actually see people's reactions whenever you're with them..but ummm...could you do something like...reconsider your thoughts or so?..perhaps you just feel that way because of the way you see yourself..you just feel that way, but just maybe they are actually not? it's good to attend church services and attend Christian volunteer work but the thing is, you attend, listen to sermons (i mean sermons are good and all and help us to obey God) but sometimes what you hear from church isn't the one you really and specifically need..but yes, you really do still need to attend church of course.. but..have you tried talking to someone on a one-on-one basis?..to someone whom you can really trust, like a pastor, a good Christian friend, or a spiritual counselor?..might i suggest that you speak with someone trustworthy enough (like those people i mentioned for example) whom you can let it all out and even cry to..you can also ask their help in explaining Bible passages that you don't understand much...don't bear it all alone. and like i said, i know it's really hard to believe in what you can't literally see or hear and i don't know if to you i might sound stupid but i will boldly say and will not be ashamed to tell you that there IS a God..not just some demigod, but a real, living God with a big 'G'!...hunny, don't you ever feel like you have no right to pray or to hope..don't give up. believe it or not God actually knows your struggles. God loves you. He doesn't want you to feel that way...and He wants you to be free..And He's just waiting for you to come to Him..He will never judge or condemn those who come to Him..i'm pretty sure this is written in the Bible somewhere in the Old Testament (i think, just don't know exactly where.. sweatdrop ) that even when our problems, sins, doubts, and worries are as big as a mighty ship, His love is as big as the ocean...that's why i said earlier that this could be a good start for you because you're reaching out and searching..GOD KNOWS THAT! i hope i'm making sense here, but whether you believe or not what i'm saying is true..i'm not being biased among religions or anything.. things both bad and good do happen..either because they're consequences of our human actions or are really allowed by God for a good purpose... aside from talking to trustworthy people, prayer is also, and actually very helpful...now i know in catholicism you have your pre-composed prayers which are readily and easily recited once you have memorized them and get familiar with them..i don't have anything against that but the problem is when you pray those, you just practically pray with your lips and not with your heart..try really talking to God...releasing to Him all your feelings as you would talk to a close friend..your questions, hates, sentiments, even anguish, doubts, etc..there is no emotion God cant' handle..He values true, honest, prayers from the heart..He would love to hear form you...if you feel awkward praying alone then you can have someone lead the prayer for you and pray with you... even if you don't feel anything when you pray, there is no doubt that God still listens..but expect that His answer is not always immediate like magic so don't get disappointed or discouraged when nothing seems to happen..He has His own time table..and God can use people around you or even circumstances to talk to us and reach us. but depending solely on people alone will not do the trick..we should depend on God alone..i know it sounds hard, and maybe this all sounds new (or probably even weird or stupid) to you... now i have a video clip here that i want you to watch..(no not mine.. xd ) so as for you to expand your understanding on how God loves YOU. so you really mustn't feel unimportant..now watch it first before you continue..okay? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raDSl0lwqMYFor God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16now i believe you know that already..but you still have to understand.. Jesus wasn't nailed on the cross in our place for nothing..yeah, people are all doomed to hell because absolutely none of us are righteous..that is why God sent His Son Jesus Christ to die in our place for us to be saved and not be condemned to eternal punishment...all we have to do is to accept this free gift of salvation..tell Him like.. Jesus, thanks for dying on the cross for me..i know You love me that's why You did that..please forgive me for my transgressions..i accept You as my personal Lord and Savior and work in my life from now on..Amen.you can compose your own of course, but if it also happened that you just prayed that lil prayer above with your heart, then welcome to God's family wink ..if you could grab a copy of Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life Book it's all there on the earliest chapters..(don't have to do anything with the author ok?..that book is just really great..inspiring, and life-changing..) well, looks like this is the end of my short reply..haha! alright..maybe i got a lil bit too carried away but i don't care..as long as i've said what needs to be said! xd actually, i have already prayed for you before posting this...i also prayed to God to teach me what to say here..and a good friend of mine also contributed quiet a lot here..i also asked her for ideas...and well...i believe this is it... xd i will keep you in my prayers along with my bestie whom i've also been praying for for quiet sometime now..But like God said, never loose faith..and yep, the same goes with you...admit it or not.. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him him a snake? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!
Matthew 7:7-11well, i hope you understand what i'm pointing here and i hope this helps you somehow...feel free to PM me if you have any comments, violent reactions, whatsoever..or if you just want someone to talk to or to vent your feelings to...i may not be the best but with God's help, my best i will do! xd ...so just feel free, okay? i don't bite!..haha! blaugh so! i guess that's it!...and remember...there is nothing that you do that will make God love you less nor will make Him close His doors on you...so..good day, keep up the search, pray, (and i encourage you to continue going to church) God bless! 3nodding God will lead you..
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 8:18 pm
I agree with Aishin, that takes a stark amount of courage to admit so much of what, well, you have admitted! And to be perfectly honest, I know how you feel, to a degree.
I have gone through periods, shorter than yours, but much the same feelings. In which, I am aware of sin, of a need or belief in God, but the feeling, in my gut, as though I can not pray to him because I am so dirty. So evil. So un-Godly.
I would first of all, like to dash that feeling which you have. We can all approach God through Jesus because of His death on the cross. Because of His death, we are made pure in the eyes of God. You are, because of Jesus, perfect in God's eyes, technically.
We, you, I, must get past this uncomfortableness and pray for forgiveness, help and guidance. It will feel weird, like no One can hear at first. But, you will change. I would also recommend reading, say, one verse of a book of the Bible each day. Perhaps try the Gospel of John?
Further, we must not look for a Church that suits our own needs. The commands of God are quite clear, that we should not have sex until we are married, would be one such command. However, we have all sinned, and God will forgive you, and I, and Aishin, for any and every sin we have committed if we believe.
Perhaps the uncomfortableness comes from a feeling that the Church is condemning you for your actions?
Finally, about your mother. Not all Christians are the same. Instead of loving, as Jesus has commanded us, she is committing a sin by, what you seem to describe, as not loving you. It almost seems like she does not acknowledge her own sins of everyday life, (such as gossip, anger, and so forth), but for every mistake YOU make, YOU are the most vile creature.
May I assure you, you are NOT the most vile creature. Not close. I would even argue all of us humans are, in one form or another, equally "sinful." Search for Truth, pray for Truth and continue to love "those who persecute you." (Like your mother, it seems?).
I hope this helped in any way, shape or form! Feel free to PM me, anytime! And God Bless!
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Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2010 9:00 am
very well said, captain! very well said! *thums up! wink
oh..but by the way i'm not telling her to look for a church that would specifically fit her own needs..of course she should attend church..what i mean by the word specific is that she should talk to someone whom she can put her trust on, on a one-on-one basis for her to discuss her problems directly and specifically to the point..something like what we're doing here..well just tellin'.. blaugh
you see Slick, as humans, we will always come to a point that we are embarrassed and ashamed to come to God and ask for forgiveness because of the wrongdoings we have done..some, we keep doing over and over..we always think that God would say: "Goodness child, you never learn. Here you go again!" or "You filthy worthless creature! Get away from my sight, I despise you!" or something like that...i too also come to a point that i'm too guilty to pray so i haven't done so for weeks i think and felt really, really dry (spiritually) and helpless..but God of course, doesn't want us to stay that way..we are always more than welcome to come to Him no matter how heavy are burdens are...
i know you're finding it hard to believe in a God who loves us in ways we couldn't possibly imagine, in a God that could forgive our sins and wash us clean, whiter than the whitest snow..(not literally though) but i guess mazuac and i can tell you this because we experience it. (experience by the way is a great testimony because no one can contest you since it is you own. they didn't experience that, YOU did..)..but i'm not saying we're perfect. and you CAN experience God's awesome powers too..(His healing, His love, His forgiveness and so forth)..all you need is ask, and believe that you shall receive.
we're still humans who constantly commit mistakes. but the good thing is, with God, whenever we commit mistakes, His love and forgiveness are infinite. He will readily forgive us, and cleanse us again, and again, and again, and again, because He sees in us the blood of His Son Jesus Christ whom He sent to die on the cross in our place..(just imagine a blameless son of a king or president being brutally executed not because he has committed a great sin but he was sent by his father and he readily obeys just to die in place of some shameful, worthless, convict..that convict represents us humans!..ahh..what love! blaugh ) but before this applies, of course like i said in my first post, you have to accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.
this is probably hard for you to do right now but stop focusing on your past. what's done is done. it's over. and you cannot anymore change it...but one thing you can do is to learn from it so that it won't happen again in the future, and probably help others out as well who are experiencing the same thing..one sermon i heard at the church i'm attending said.. STOP FOCUSING ON WHAT'S LOST AND START FOCUSING ON WHAT'S LEFT. ("Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" says the Lord--Isaiah 43:17)
like hey, you still got nursing school right? and since you're so busy with it, i believe that you're doing good at it. don't waste it. and best of all, you got God! He will never, EVER, leave you. now, what else have you got?...hmmm...lets see...oh i know!...US! guildmates! YAY! blaugh (although i'm just a newbie here and so far this has just been my second post blaugh )..you know you can always confide here when you don't feel like opening up to your friends there..or you can always just PM us anytime! blaugh
by the way, i'm subscribed to this "God Wants You to Know" app on facebook and the message i got from it today is perfect for you...so i believe this IS really for you..HIS MESSAGE FOR YOU today...copied and pasted it here and it says:
On this day of your life, (put your name here), we believe God wants you to know ... that when you feel down, look at yourself through God's eyes.
There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God's eyes. In God's eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are.
God bless you! ^__^
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Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2010 10:18 pm
Thanks for your replies, everyone! I was really surprised to get the answers I did!
I guess what I'm looking for is a way to revive that spirit of faith. I don't really have anything of the sort. Part of me wonders how such a loving God can exist when such terrible, terrible things like rape occur in the world. I also wonder how such a loving God can condemn me to a pathway to hell because I can't help who I am. This is over a decade of teachings I was raised with since I was a small child.
What happened to me will stay with me the rest of my life, there's no doubt about it. I do my best to stop feeling guilty, to stop living in the past...but being in Church keeps on reminding me of the painful memories that I have with the faith. I couldn't even attend my brother's Baccalaureate Mass when he was graduating from high school because I was crying so hard. I was shaking and crying, and I couldn't stand being in the church for more than about 10 mins. My dad had to drive me home because I couldn't stop the painful self-loathing, fear, and despair just by being in a church.
I'm just not sure how I can see God's presence around people as well. I mean, I hardly trust people any more. I've been through two abusive relationships; both had psychological abuse and cheating, one ended in physical sexual abuse, the other just up and left.
I've had one of my best friends whom I grew up in elementary school and still kept in touch for most of high school just walk out on me and never spoke to me again after I told her I was bisexual, thinking she would help me find a way to be supportive or something.
My mother and I still have a horrid relationship; in fact, I try and limit spending time with the rest of my family because I simply cannot stand being around her.
I don't know how to trust people, how to see the goodness in people. It's a struggle. I'm practically terrified of entering a relationship because I'm so tired of being used and abused. I've started engaging in one night stands to satisfy my cravings for sex. Hell, I masturbate as well because that's at least one feeling I can count on that won't be manipulated in one way or another. I know that I'm a messed up person, but I just wish I didn't have to be so skittish. I put on a mask, a facade so people don't get suspicious. But I really can't sense God's presence in people, or God's presence at all. I feel like I've got a blindfold on, or I'm trapped in a dark room and just groping for anything to make my life feel stable again.
._. Sorry if it's a bit much for you guys....
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Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 9:55 am
To revive a feeling is impossible. That "feeling" that God IS with you is something he gives out every now and again, which many Christians have felt. However, most of the time, we are sent through a parched desert, in which it seems like every trace of Him has left the Universe, but we still follow Him. Further, why would he condemn you to Hell?
May I ask, what is it the Church said to make you so upset?
Oh my, I... am so sorry :/ I haven't been in very many relationships, I'm only 16. :/ I... am not sure how to say anything towards the abuse, and neglect, of which you have felt...
I'mma PM you, because I have some thing to say, privately. Bust, lastly, I want to say this... You asked why a loving God would allow rape to occur? I like this quote... "The suffering that is present in the world today is a result of the misuse of freedom of choice from both past generations and our own."
Sex was supposed to be something natural, and enjoyed by a married couple. But through our corruption and sin, sex has become much more, and much less, than it's original intention.
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Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 12:32 pm
It wasn't really what the Church said that made me upset; it was physically being there, in a church that triggered and avalanche of emotions. Even when I go into a chapel (heck, I've been to other Christian chapels too), I can feel my heart racing and pounding; I get so nervous being there. I always feel like I'm at the executioner's block, waiting for my final judgment.
I just wish I stopped feeling condemned. I've grown up on about 20 years of old school Catholicism, I don't know how to change the self-loathing and feeling of abandonment. When my mom looked at me straight in the eye and told me I was going to hell for who I am and what I did...it just tore a huge rift in my heart. I've always joked about it, but to have my mother tell me in the most serious way possible really broke me. I had been really close to her until that moment. It made me feel like the worst person in the world to crawl upon this earth. She was always someone who reminded me of what a devout religious person should do (albeit a bit too zealous for my liking), and i strove to imitate her in her passion for God and for social justice. It felt like the fabric of the universe ripped; someone whom I loved so much, admired a lot, and so close to me...telling me I was a horrible sinner and was on the path to evil.
I didn't know what to think any more. Most of what I knew about my beliefs, my faith, my religion, about God, even...was from my mother. And to have her condemn me like that...well it felt like I was being castigated by my own beliefs, the mere knowledge of God made me wince in shame and fear, and more than anything, made me want to turn my back on the Church. Before being raped and cheated on and walked out on...I had never known such brutal disgrace and apprehensiveness.
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Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 10:55 pm
i agree with mazuac, every Christian, in one way or another already have felt this feeling that God IS with them...well sorry i can't really explain it clearly how it exactly feels..but it's true..but most of the time especially when you do experience problems it feels like God isn't there or no one really hears your prayers when you pray..and i do believe that is where our faith is being tested. will you follow Him and believe Him just because you can feel His presence?..or you stop believing when you don't feel His presence anymore?..
as for your title..."....a lot of spirit of faith is needed here".. dear, i know it's not easy, but i want you to realize that following and believing God does not depend on feelings alone..that is why it's called faith..you believe even when you don't literally see Him, hear Him, or feel Him..it's the faith--that He's there for you no matter what--that matters; not the feeling in itself..whether you can feel God's presence or not, He IS there..watching over us, anticipating our next move, whether we should come to Him or should we still do our own way..
and ah, today it's still a major FAQ..how could a loving God possibly allow sufferings in this world like that of what happened to you..i'll have to agree with captain again.. wink you see dear, God is not a control-freak..He doesn't want to control us like mindless robots so He gave us freewill..and as captain said, people tend to misuse the freedom that God gave us. God doesn't want it but negative consequences happen as a result..
and i believe that's it's understandable that you feel that way when you're inside a church..honey, it's normal to feel guilty whenever we know that we have committed something wrong..i know you have this self-guilt you have inside..let's see..how am i gonna say this...i know that this is not gonna be easy but you have to accept what has already transpired..only by accepting you can forgive yourself..forgive yourself dear, so you can stop feeling guilty...forgiving one's self along with His forgiveness will be the start of healing..(like, ok, suppose God has already forgiven you because you've already asked His forgiveness..but still, you can't feel better if you still hate yourself even though God has already forgiven you right?) and lastly, i'm pretty sure your sexual cravings didn't just develop overnight, and as much as you want to, you cannot just stop it overnight...give yourself some time stopping it before premarital sex brings you further trouble..and moreover, you will just continue to feel guilty if you continue to give in to those cravings..
honey, God definitely wouldn't say no to a person whose already beginning to search for Him, you just have to be patient, you're time will come. don't be ashamed to talk to Him, He likes that..perhaps you should try saying just a lil prayer every night before you sleep? and/or the moment you wake up?..even just a little..just say anything you want..believe it or not He hears it..
She was always someone who reminded me of what a devout religious person should do (albeit a bit too zealous for my liking), and i strove to imitate her in her passion for God and for social justice.
dear, you can worship God in anyway you want and whatever you're doing, sing while taking a bath/washing the dishes, dance, jump, pray, whatever..you don't really have to imitate your mom when it comes to drawing close to God..sorry if i might sound harsh but, even if you put on a white veil and pray the rosary every hour or pray your Our Father's, or Hail Mary's a hundred times a day each, (well i told you i don't have anything against that and i'm not saying that you're mother is exactly like this) but which do you think would God appreciate more? a thousand repetitive prayers, or a simple heartfelt, honest, direct to the point "Hey God, darn it, i don't know what to do anymore, help me?" trust me, in whatever way you speak, He listens. you see, there are many ways for us to draw closer to God..go outside the box..explore..go ahead..ask for help..true, that not all people can be trusted..but you couldn't also deny the fact there are still people in this world whom you can trust.
but of course dear, first, you must ask God to help you stop what you're doing, and ask Him to help you forgive yourself..if He CAN forgive you, then why can't you?..your guilt is practically immobilizing you..by forgiving yourself you can move on..
oh, by the way,, i'm pretty glad..you know..because you're voicing out..even just on the internet.. wink part of how to accept a certain situation is, well, to express it as a form of release...
but remember dear, freewill. would you like to stay blindfolded and trapped in that dark room forever? or would you like to force your way out and break free and experience the light of God's freedom? God won't be able to do so much for you (not because He's powerless) if you choose to stay in the dark..He wants us to surrender everything so that He can takeover and fix everything..sure it's not easy surrendering and believing and the fixing won't take overnight but it'll be worth it..the decision is still yours, if you're gonna let Him take care of you...i might be overwhelming you now, (but i hope not) but sooner or later you'll realize that you can't stay like that for the rest of your life...decide to seek and you will find Him..
and last but definitely not the least, i'll always be praying for you dear, here from literally the other side of the world!.. wink
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 9:08 pm
Aishin Mikomi i know that this is not gonna be easy but you have to accept what has already transpired..only by accepting you can forgive yourself..forgive yourself dear, so you can stop feeling guilty...forgiving one's self along with His forgiveness will be the start of healing..
Aishin Mikomi (like, ok, suppose God has already forgiven you because you've already asked His forgiveness..but still, you can't feel better if you still hate yourself even though God has already forgiven you right?).
The other thing is, I mean, I say they're sins and I know they're considered sins within the faith...but I really can't seem to convince myself they're sins. So maybe I'm not sincerely confessing my sins because I only know them as sins because my faith that I belonged to states it; I don't believe in it (um, did that make any sense?) If there's one thing I have a hard time forgiving myself for, it's for sticking with that abusive b*****d for as long as I did. But it's not a sin, to not recognize the warning signs...I just feel like if I listened a bit harder to my friends, I wouldn't have been in the situation.
Aishin Mikomi and lastly, i'm pretty sure your sexual cravings didn't just develop overnight, and as much as you want to, you cannot just stop it overnight...give yourself some time stopping it before premarital sex brings you further trouble..and moreover, you will just continue to feel guilty if you continue to give in to those cravings..
I feel guilty because the faith I was raised in tells me its a sin, but I spurned the faith way before I started getting into sexual activity because of the damage that was done through my mom. So in a way, I feel guilty, but not really. It's like knowing that a rose smells good, and smelling a beautiful rose.
I've felt like as long as sex is mutually consensual, safe, and in a private setting (out of public and away from children) then it is fine.
I'm not going to lie, I do like sex, and I feel it can be defined as a natural act or a beautiful act, depending on how you use it. If you're with the person you love, then of course, its a beautiful wonderful thing. My one night stands, which I keep to few and far between, I know that it's going to be some instant gratification. I can feel good for awhile, but that feeling will go away. Same with self-gratification, I'll feel good for a bit, and then it will go away. I know that and I accept that. Does it bug me? Mostly due to the fact that I don't have a significant other. I miss sharing a bed with someone whom I was comfortable with; to wake up next to someone whom you care for is a great feeling. But I don't believe a relationship should be founded on sex. I believe that you should have a healthy relationship first, then, if both are comfortable, consensual sex.
Aishin Mikomi but which do you think would God appreciate more? a thousand repetitive prayers, or a simple heartfelt, honest, direct to the point "Hey God, darn it, i don't know what to do anymore, help me?" trust me, in whatever way you speak, He listens. you see, there are many ways for us to draw closer to God..go outside the box..explore..go ahead..ask for help..true, that not all people can be trusted..but you couldn't also deny the fact there are still people in this world whom you can trust.
:<
I'd like to think that just chatting would be considered a form of prayer; but I don't really know.
There are people I can trust...just I can't be around them often because they are far away or busy when I'm not.
Aishin Mikomi but of course dear, first, you must ask God to help you stop what you're doing, and ask Him to help you forgive yourself..if He CAN forgive you, then why can't you?..your guilt is practically immobilizing you..by forgiving yourself you can move on..
aahhhhh! It's like a never ending sequence of events that I feel like if I could change JUST ONE THING then I wouldn't be in this situation; I wouldn't have such a bad relationship with my mother, with just struggling to accept that there's a God, that I wouldn't have lost my scholarship, that I would be on time with graduating with my friends that I made freshman year...
crying
I'm totally not yelling at you, I promise. redface
Aishin Mikomi but remember dear, freewill. would you like to stay blindfolded and trapped in that dark room forever? or would you like to force your way out and break free and experience the light of God's freedom? God won't be able to do so much for you (not because He's powerless) if you choose to stay in the dark..He wants us to surrender everything so that He can takeover and fix everything..sure it's not easy surrendering and believing and the fixing won't take overnight but it'll be worth it..the decision is still yours, if you're gonna let Him take care of you...i might be overwhelming you now, (but i hope not) but sooner or later you'll realize that you can't stay like that for the rest of your life...decide to seek and you will find Him..
I don't know what it takes to get out of the dark, to rip that blindfold off. confused
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Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:45 am
Hmm, I keep on saying that I'm okay, that I accepted what's happened and I'm trying my best to move on, but it doesn't really feel like it. I don't know what "really accepted what happened" really means.
actually, you're already doing it..trying your best to move on and all..well, our professor once told us that acceptance will mean that you can talk about or remember a certain situation without really feeling remorse or the emotion that was locked in it..
I can't seem to convince myself that God has forgiven me. I've been to confession many times, saying the same sins over and over. I just don't feel like it. Maybe because I have difficulties separating what God does from what I was taught since I was 3, 4 years old?
The other thing is, I mean, I say they're sins and I know they're considered sins within the faith...but I really can't seem to convince myself they're sins. So maybe I'm not sincerely confessing my sins because I only know them as sins because my faith that I belonged to states it; I don't believe in it (um, did that make any sense?) If there's one thing I have a hard time forgiving myself for, it's for sticking with that abusive b*****d for as long as I did. But it's not a sin, to not recognize the warning signs...I just feel like if I listened a bit harder to my friends, I wouldn't have been in the situation.
of course, you can't feel that immediately..as i've said, it's the faith..not the feeling..if you did confessed with all true intentions then God knows that..you may feel like you're still not forgiven but you already are...but actually, you really need not confess..that is why Jesus died on the cross for us, when He died and rose again, we were granted instant access to God, we can actually confess to Him directly (meaning even praying on our own..sounds new?..but yes that's it) and ask forgiveness and it shall be given..whether we feel it or not...
but, ah, i see..so your problem is your faith tells you that they're sins but in yourself you don't really believe it and see them as sins...hmmm...alright..basics..i'm not saying that catholicism is wrong ok?..it's also founded on christianity..and where did they get their teachings?..Bible..this might sound a little stiff but if the Bible says it's right, it's right..if it says it's wrong, then it's wrong..even if you believe it or not or whether your conscience is bugging you or not..well i'm not judging or condemning you..but since your searching about whether you can believe in God or not, might as well tell you these that's why i'm laying down the cards..and of course, i do believe that not recognizing the signs are not technically sins...but i believe that God used your friends to give you warnings but problem is you were not able to heed..
but what happen to you can actually be a benchmark, and a lesson that you should be careful next time.
No they didn't. They grew from experimentation and I discovered I really liked it and enjoyed it tremendously. And I use it as a way to make the bitterness less bitter and to convince myself that not all guys are the same as the scum of the earth. Only did it twice with girls, and it more or less solidified an understanding of myself that I would have not reached had I kept to myself.
I feel guilty because the faith I was raised in tells me its a sin, but I spurned the faith way before I started getting into sexual activity because of the damage that was done through my mom. So in a way, I feel guilty, but not really. It's like knowing that a rose smells good, and smelling a beautiful rose.
I've felt like as long as sex is mutually consensual, safe, and in a private setting (out of public and away from children) then it is fine.
I'm not going to lie, I do like sex, and I feel it can be defined as a natural act or a beautiful act, depending on how you use it. If you're with the person you love, then of course, its a beautiful wonderful thing. My one night stands, which I keep to few and far between, I know that it's going to be some instant gratification. I can feel good for awhile, but that feeling will go away. Same with self-gratification, I'll feel good for a bit, and then it will go away. I know that and I accept that. Does it bug me? Mostly due to the fact that I don't have a significant other. I miss sharing a bed with someone whom I was comfortable with; to wake up next to someone whom you care for is a great feeling. But I don't believe a relationship should be founded on sex. I believe that you should have a healthy relationship first, then, if both are comfortable, consensual sex.
yes of course, sex is human nature dearie..yes, i agree..it's natural and beautiful depending on how you use it...sex is sacred and is intended by God for married couples..why married couples?..because sex without commitment can be the start of abuse, unplanned, babies, and the like...if some already married couples are still having problems, then how much more an uncommitted, abusive, person can easily runaway?..like i said..if the bible says a certain thing is wrong, then it is..whether one feels guilty or not..sorry i'm not judging you...i'm just being frank to tell you the truth so you will know and have ideas..and well..sorry too if i sound like already meddling with your personal life and beliefs..but to me it kinda feels like i don't want you having regrets in the end..well, i still don't have experience with sex, so maybe i can't totally relate..but well, marriage first before engaging in sex. no matter how much you love the person. and think about it, ok you're gratified for a while, then it goes away, then what?..do it again?..well dear, see if you can weigh the pros and cons...is sex actually doing for you more good than harm?..or is it the other way around?...is a short-while gratification worth of feeling guilty for whatever reason and being abused by others, plus not feeling good about yourself?..just think about it...as i've said, i just don't want you regretting and feeling ever more guilty in the end and asking many if's if something, i don't know...much more worse (i hope not) happens..well, it's because a few friends have experiences quiet the same as yours..
*shrugs* I don't know what God wants/appreciates. I learned that praying a certain way gave you certain blessings. Made up prayers were for kids who hadn't learned the proper prayers yet.
:<
I'd like to think that just chatting would be considered a form of prayer; but I don't really know.
There are people I can trust...just I can't be around them often because they are far away or busy when I'm not.
well, God has feelings too you know...put in your shoes, i'm sure you'll appreciate real conversations than if you hear literally the same words everyday from a friend..
hmmm...if you consider chatting like.."hey God, beautiful sunshine today!" or "oh God i wish i could pass this exam."...yes, it's already a form of prayer.
How can I forgive myself that's not technically a sin? I can't seem to stop kicking myself in the butt for what's happened, and I know that it's not my fault, that the guy took advantage of me. I repeat to myself, I keep on telling myself that it's not a sin. Yes, the two of us were active with each other, and I shouldn't have given him a second chance...
aahhhhh! It's like a never ending sequence of events that I feel like if I could change JUST ONE THING then I wouldn't be in this situation; I wouldn't have such a bad relationship with my mother, with just struggling to accept that there's a God, that I wouldn't have lost my scholarship, that I would be on time with graduating with my friends that I made freshman year...
sorry looks like i haven't made myself clear and you misinterpreted..of course, it's not your fault you were abused..refuse as you might, he's the one who had his way on you and took advantage of you...you were a victim of that situation so it's not your fault..but true, i agree with you that you shouldn't have given him a second chance, then that wouldn't have had happened..perhaps it's a lesson learned the hard way..though you miss being in a relationship..know the guy first before entering a relationship..don't be hasty and aggressive..know his personality, his real feelings for you, his motives, if this guy really loves you or he's just after sex...so you wouldn't get used and abused..but my stand will remain firm..according to the Bible, marriage first, before having sex..well, i wouldn't care if i sound like an old-fashioned granny.. sweatdrop though i'm not perfect and also do a lot of mistakes, i will still remain steadfast that what i'm saying is true..
I don't know how to rip that blindfold off. I just keep on moving forward, stumbling blindly in the dark. I've tried going to Mass, I've tried just meditating, I've been on Christian missions, I've volunteered for food drives, I've delivered food and gifts to the poor as well as served them food. I've built 2 houses in Mexico for families who really needed the help, I've helped build and model homes for refugees....
I don't know what it takes to get out of the dark, to rip that blindfold off.
to keep on moving forward is good so keep on it..but don't expect that things would go your way immediately...doing good to others are nice too, but good works alone will not save us, and will not help you feel better..good works should be the result of God's deliverance..you do good works because you're saved and you want other people to also experience God's goodness..not the other way around..do good works so you'll be saved and God will bless you..in a way, true, but that's not the core idea...well, it'll just be more of an exchange if that's the case..
hmmm...i'm gonna send you something through PM and i hope that it might help you...if i post it here..you might just miss it because this thread already has a lot of paragraphs..and so that it might be easier for you to access it anytime you log in to gaia..alright? wink
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