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 Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:34 am
 Okay, to begin with, I usually just lurk within the guild. I'm realllllly busy with nursing school, so if I don't reply right away, that's the reason.
To begin with I was baptized Catholic. Cradle-catholic, for those of you familiar with the term. My mother is an extremely old-school Catholic, very zealous in her faith, to the point it makes other people uncomfortable. Her staunch beliefs have extended to telling me when I was in high school that I was going to hell, that I was on the wrong path, and that I was just going through a phase. I'll admit it, I'm a closet bisexual. I've got no problems romancin' a gal or a guy. She has consistently told me this for about 4 years now and shows no signs of letting up.
Almost two years ago, I was date raped by my ex-boyfriend in a hotel. I'm not afraid to admit I have been engaging in premarital sex with both men and women. But this was different. I was pinned down and I couldn't move until he had his way with me. I was so scared and devastated I waited weeks before telling anybody. I called my mother, thinking that she would be able to help. I was basically asked by her if I was a slut. I'm a girl with a male avatar, btw.
I lost my Army ROTC scholarship and pretty much a decent chance of being commissioned into the military as a result of what happened...which is a dream I've had since I was a kid. I've stopped going to Church and pretty lost my belief, in well, anything. One of the biggest reasons why I stopped going is because I felt so damn uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being judged and condemned every time I go (I've been to quite a few different churches and to different Masses). I don't feel like I've got the right to pray or to hope.
I've been told by my therapist that I connect Catholicism=my mother's demands and belittling beliefs. I don't know how to separate nearly 20 years of old school teachings from, well, anything.
I've tried reading the Bible on and off, I've gone on Christian volunteer missions (like Habitat for Humanity)...nothing's really helped. I don't even know what I believe in anymore, and it would be nice to convince myself to believe in something.
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Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:39 pm
Slick Southpaw I don't feel like I've got the right to pray or to hope.
Everyone has the right to pray and to hope. As a Christian, it is your right to be happy; your faith calls you to lead a fulfilling life full of joy and love of the Lord.
I feel the need to say that the rape was not your fault, because there are too many rape victims out there who feel like it's their fault and it breaks my heart. And no one should ever tell you that it was your fault. I feel like, even though you're seeing a therapist, perhaps it would be helpful to find a support group at your local parish full of individuals who may be experiencing feelings similar to the ones you're having now. At my parish, for example, there are ministries for adult singles and for recovering alcoholics; perhaps there is something in your parish for individuals healing from traumatizing events in their lives (rape included).
I think that joining a small community like that would not only offer you spiritual healing from the rape, but also, it would probably help you disconnect the idea of Catholicism from the years of psychological abuse you've endured under your mother's care, and allow you to connect the idea of Catholicism (and of religious faith in general) with something fruitful, beautiful, and redemptive. That's what faith is supposed to be -- it's supposed to lift you up.
You're not a slut and no one here is going to judge you for your sexual history. But what I would suggest is, perhaps, visiting a priest and having a heart-to-heart in Confession with him if you feel like it would be beneficial to talk to someone who's going to want to help you and support you. I remember confessing quite possibly my deepest, darkest secret to a priest on my Confirmation retreat this March. And what I found was that, even though the point was to reconcile myself to God and heal a slightly wounded relationship, I healed inside. And that really did help.
I am so, so sorry about you losing your scholarship. But I don't understand -- why would you lose your scholarship for being raped or for your sexual history? I apologize for my ignorance; I simply don't know why, exactly, what happened to you would lead to such a drastic change of events in your life.
When I was in 8th grade, I also bordered the gray line between agnosticism and atheism. I almost stopped believing completely. But I remember praying so vehemently for faith, for some sort of sign from God that he was there and the suffering in the world around me had some sort of redemptive purpose and that there was promise in the Gospel. I did community service like mad, I went to Mass and prayed like mad, and feigned my faith like mad because I felt that, by pretending to be devout, I could convince myself that I was going to be saved.
One morning, however, my boyfriend called me. He was in hysterics and I couldn't hear him through his sobs on the phone. I found out that his mom had been sent to the hospital and was unconscious due to complications between her alcoholism and her heart problems, and they didn't know if she would make it (she did). I was fourteen and he was sixteen at the time. And I remember him distinctly saying, "Where's God in all of this? Where is Jesus Christ when I need Him?" Something inside of me ignited at that moment -- it was like waking up from a long dream. And I told him, "He is with you. And He is with me. And He is everywhere." At that moment, I remember feeling this warmth -- this sensation -- in my bosom; I believe with all my heart that, at that moment, the Holy Spirit filled my heart.
Okay, I'm going to stop; I'm actually crying, haha. But if you remember anything from this, just remember that God could never hate you or abandon you. He didn't abandon me -- someone who was losing faith in him after never having experienced a fraction of the suffering you've endured. There is always room for prayer and hope and redemption; just look for God's presence in the people you know -- even your mother. Look for God's presence in the people you don't know: the homeless person on the street, your coworker, the kids you see in the supermarket. But most importantly, look for God's presence within yourself. I think you're greatly underestimating the holiness that exists in you. I see Christ in you.
I'll pray for you tonight. You can always contact me if you need someone to talk to. We love, embrace, and support you here.
Ebony
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:20 am
Ebony the Peacian I feel the need to say that the rape was not your fault, because there are too many rape victims out there who feel like it's their fault and it breaks my heart. And no one should ever tell you that it was your fault. I feel like, even though you're seeing a therapist, perhaps it would be helpful to find a support group at your local parish full of individuals who may be experiencing feelings similar to the ones you're having now. At my parish, for example, there are ministries for adult singles and for recovering alcoholics; perhaps there is something in your parish for individuals healing from traumatizing events in their lives (rape included). I'm still trying to convince myself that it's not my fault. Sometimes I'm successful...other times I'm not. The worst part is that I relive my experiences through my nightmares and I keep on feeling that if I had done something differently, I wouldn't be in this rut. It's quite frustrating, especially since this has been happening for almost 2 years. Well right now I live on a school campus (I'm a college student) so I'm not entirely sure if there's...such a group. I'm actually going to a Catholic university right now, University of Portland. I've gone to one sort of group, but it wasn't a religious-based...it was a group that got together in private during Sexual Abuse Awareness Week. ._. talking to priests scare me. I'm totally terrified of them. Ebony the Peacian I think that joining a small community like that would not only offer you spiritual healing from the rape, but also, it would probably help you disconnect the idea of Catholicism from the years of psychological abuse you've endured under your mother's care, and allow you to connect the idea of Catholicism (and of religious faith in general) with something fruitful, beautiful, and redemptive. That's what faith is supposed to be -- it's supposed to lift you up. Well I think I started to discover what faith is supposed to be when I joined up with other Catholics to work for Habitat for Humanity during Spring Break. I think I felt a glimpse of what true faith should be. But every time I go to a church, I quail in fear. I think the last time I was in a religious place that did not intimidate me or make me feel unwelcome was when I went to an outdoor church up in Wickenburg for Palm Sunday. I felt so at peace because I didn't feel...constricted or intimidated, it was a lovely setting. I'd probably go to church more if I could go there. But I'm in Portland and Wickenburg is in AZ, so that's not happening anytime soon. Ebony the Peacian You're not a slut and no one here is going to judge you for your sexual history. But what I would suggest is, perhaps, visiting a priest and having a heart-to-heart in Confession with him if you feel like it would be beneficial to talk to someone who's going to want to help you and support you. I remember confessing quite possibly my deepest, darkest secret to a priest on my Confirmation retreat this March. And what I found was that, even though the point was to reconcile myself to God and heal a slightly wounded relationship, I healed inside. And that really did help. Thanks. heart I tried talking to different priests; ones I knew (I swear if I didn't know that they had that vow of silence I would have never told them!), strangers, friendly looking ones, ones I didn't like. In fact, I confessed multiple times to different priests because I just couldn't feel...clean. It's the reason why I stopped going to confession. I just stopped feeling like I could be relieved of sins because of who I am. I just felt like I wasn't worthy because I can't change who I am or what happened to me. And I feel guilty for wanting to try. Ebony the Peacian I am so, so sorry about you losing your scholarship. But I don't understand -- why would you lose your scholarship for being raped or for your sexual history? I apologize for my ignorance; I simply don't know why, exactly, what happened to you would lead to such a drastic change of events in your life. The military doesn't think I'm stable enough. The medical report they got was just done a few months after being raped. I was a total mess; cutting, starving myself, unable to sleep... That same report still let me gain acceptance back into my school because my doctor felt that I had recovered sufficiently enough to continue being a student. I worked hard at losing the weight I had gained while in super depression mode (i switched between starving and binging)...cos in the Army you have to maintain a certain height and weight, I started helping other cadets achieve their physical goals, I was seeing a school psychologist and trying to do my best in my academics... But that wasn't enough, apparently. They had given me a waiver at my freshman year because I had a minor meltdown of stress in my junior year of high school. I had cut and I OD'ed on Tylenol because my parents weren't seeing my struggles (I was struggling in my honors classes, trying to do well in my sports, and I had severely injured my foot in soccer; mom wouldn't even let me use the proper dosage for painkillers) . This is the same year that my mother furiously condemned me for being bisexual, and I think that hurt me a LOT deeper than I wanted to admit. I had a really, really close relationship with my mother previously. I wouldn't say she was one of my best friends, but she was someone I trusted dearly and to have such a vicious turnaround kinda killed me inside. I suppose, considering my history, I can see doubts...but I was really hoping that the changes I had made, not only with myself but fellow cadets would have made an impression. My dad is more convinced it has to do with budget cuts than anything else, and not me personally. Ebony the Peacian Okay, I'm going to stop; I'm actually crying, haha. But if you remember anything from this, just remember that God could never hate you or abandon you. He didn't abandon me -- someone who was losing faith in him after never having experienced a fraction of the suffering you've endured. There is always room for prayer and hope and redemption; just look for God's presence in the people you know -- even your mother. Look for God's presence in the people you don't know: the homeless person on the street, your coworker, the kids you see in the supermarket. But most importantly, look for God's presence within yourself. I think you're greatly underestimating the holiness that exists in you. I see Christ in you. I'm just not sure how I can see God's presence. I mean, I hardly trust people any more. I've been through two abusive relationships; both had psychological abuse and cheating, one ended in physical sexual abuse, the other just up and left. I've had one of my best friends whom I grew up in elementary school and still kept in touch for most of high school just walk out on me and never spoke to me again after I told her I was bisexual, thinking she would help me find a way to be supportive or something. My mother and I still have a horrid relationship; in fact, I try and limit spending time with the rest of my family because I simply cannot stand being around her. I don't know how to trust people, how to see the goodness in people. It's a struggle. I'm practically terrified of entering a relationship because I'm so tired of being used and abused. I've started engaging in one night stands to satisfy my cravings for sex. Hell, I masturbate as well because that's at least one feeling I can count on that won't be manipulated in one way or another. I know that I'm a messed up person, but I just wish I didn't have to be so skittish. I put on a mask, a facade so people don't get suspicious. But I really can't sense God's presence in people. I feel like I've got a blindfold on, or I'm trapped in a dark room and just groping for anything to make my life feel stable again. Ebony the Peacian I'll pray for you tonight. You can always contact me if you need someone to talk to. We love, embrace, and support you here. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I really appreciate it. I just wish I could feel what it meant to be prayed for, though. I know it's important and I should be grateful; I feel bad that I can't feel any kind of emotion of that sort! My mother keeps on telling me that she's praying for me and looks at me expectantly...but I don't know how I should feel. I feel nothing. Like I have a heart of stone...
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Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:43 pm
Slick, you will find that in this guild there are many people who some would consider outcasts in our society, who have survived tramautic events, who have lost friends and family, had their hopes and dreams come crashing down. we do not judge you because in a strange way: we are you. You will also find that these people are good and humble, they are funny and clever, and love to see new faces in this guild.
on a more serious note,you mentioned that you find it hard to trust people. just remember that the healing process begins with baby steps, you don't need to be a super stable member of society, you just need to be yourself for awhile. I once had a conversation with some of my classmates about whether or not someone could fully recover from some very traumatic events. it was a conversation we had for awhile, but in the end I concluded that being loved and loving others is the best way to recover from that kind of thing. my advice, if you don't mind it, is to participate in some charity organizations like a local soup kitchen, I find that those places are the best way to meet that interaction of "love".
I hope this is helpful, I don't want to sound callous or anything, and alot of my posts tend to have a very cold tone to them, I don't mean for them to be so cold, and I apologize if this post is an example of them.
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Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2010 10:24 pm
Dr 42 on a more serious note,you mentioned that you find it hard to trust people. just remember that the healing process begins with baby steps, you don't need to be a super stable member of society, you just need to be yourself for awhile. I once had a conversation with some of my classmates about whether or not someone could fully recover from some very traumatic events. it was a conversation we had for awhile, but in the end I concluded that being loved and loving others is the best way to recover from that kind of thing. my advice, if you don't mind it, is to participate in some charity organizations like a local soup kitchen, I find that those places are the best way to meet that interaction of "love". I'm definitely going to try and volunteer more; as I mentioned in my previous post, working for Habitat for Humanity was just...awesome. I felt like I caught a glimpse of real love there, and a hint of trust with the people I worked for, with, and around. Probably the first time I felt a flicker of hope. I just hate this empty feeling, it's not really longing. It's like, whatever I do to help deal with my problems, with my nightmares...is lacking. >_> though I know I do long for a partner that I can have a successful, healthy and happy relationship with at some point in the future. Before my relationships turned abusive, I had wonderful time... Dr 42 I hope this is helpful, I don't want to sound callous or anything, and alot of my posts tend to have a very cold tone to them, I don't mean for them to be so cold, and I apologize if this post is an example of them. Nah, dude, thanks. I prefer straight up talk anyways.
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Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 12:42 am
Our stories don't sound totally dissimilar, honestly. I, too, suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a romantic partner, and I think our mothers would get along quite well. wink
The best advice I can give you is to acknowledge and accept that it's going to take time to heal from past events, and that's okay. It sounds like your frustrated with yourself for not being over it and back to normal yet, and you simply can't expect that of yourself. You suffered an extremely traumatic event and were not given support by the one person on earth who should support and love you unconditionally. You're allowed to be affected by that. If you weren't affected by that, I'd be a little concerned.
So piece of advice number one: Give yourself time. You need to let yourself accept what happened to you and let yourself hurt a little to start to really heal. For a long time I tried to just move on with my life as if nothing had happened, and that wasn't healthy. It wasn't until I started facing the reality of what happened to me and letting myself be angry and hurt about it that I really started to heal from it.
Piece of advice number two: don't be afraid to let this event change you. You can heal, I'm confident in that, but I don't believe that people who survive traumatic events can escape totally unchanged by what they've been through. Let it change you, and try to make it a positive change. For me, I changed in that I gained a level of self respect such that I would never allow someone to treat me like my ex did ever again. For better or worse, it took being treated like absolute scum for me to realise I didn't deserve that, but the self-respect I gained from it was liberating.
And I think that as you heal as a person, you will begin to heal spiritually as well. But realise that all these things take time. Sometimes a long time. And I firmly believe that you're strong enough to recover and come out of this terrible experience as a better, stronger person, but you have to believe it too, and be patient with yourself.
If you ever want to talk in a more private setting, please don't hesitate to PM me or contact me on MSN (designeropium@hotmail.com). I'm not saying my advice is infallible by any means, but sometimes it helps to know you're not alone.
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Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 9:16 pm
Slick Southpaw I'm still trying to convince myself that it's not my fault. Sometimes I'm successful...other times I'm not. The worst part is that I relive my experiences through my nightmares and I keep on feeling that if I had done something differently, I wouldn't be in this rut. It's quite frustrating, especially since this has been happening for almost 2 years. Well right now I live on a school campus (I'm a college student) so I'm not entirely sure if there's...such a group. I'm actually going to a Catholic university right now, University of Portland. I've gone to one sort of group, but it wasn't a religious-based...it was a group that got together in private during Sexual Abuse Awareness Week. ._. talking to priests scare me. I'm totally terrified of them. Do they still get together, or is there any way that all of you could come together again and establish a group that meets regularly to talk about these things? Talking it out could be very therapeutic, especially since these people have probably experienced things similar to what you have. Quote: Well I think I started to discover what faith is supposed to be when I joined up with other Catholics to work for Habitat for Humanity during Spring Break. I think I felt a glimpse of what true faith should be. But every time I go to a church, I quail in fear. I think the last time I was in a religious place that did not intimidate me or make me feel unwelcome was when I went to an outdoor church up in Wickenburg for Palm Sunday. I felt so at peace because I didn't feel...constricted or intimidated, it was a lovely setting. I'd probably go to church more if I could go there. But I'm in Portland and Wickenburg is in AZ, so that's not happening anytime soon. It's interesting that you should say that; I love outdoor prayer services/masses too! Indeed, they are very peaceful and free. I know that you're intimidated by going to church, but it sounds almost like you experience -- I don't know -- claustrophobic feelings inside a church setting. Have you been able to pinpoint what, exactly, makes you feel uncomfortable in the physical building of the church? Is it just being there, or is it a certain aspect of being there -- seeing a certain person, hearing certain things -- that makes you uncomfortable there? Quote: Thanks. heart I tried talking to different priests; ones I knew (I swear if I didn't know that they had that vow of silence I would have never told them!), strangers, friendly looking ones, ones I didn't like. In fact, I confessed multiple times to different priests because I just couldn't feel...clean. It's the reason why I stopped going to confession. I just stopped feeling like I could be relieved of sins because of who I am. I just felt like I wasn't worthy because I can't change who I am or what happened to me. And I feel guilty for wanting to try. You can't change what happened to you, but as Enj/Sinful said, you can heal and become a stronger person because of it. God does not choose the qualified; he qualifies the called. heart I think that as you slowly begin to forgive yourself, the man who raped you, and your mother, you'll untie yourself from the emotional anchors that have been grounding you for so long. You should never feel guilty for wanting to redeem yourself and rise above this. I don't know if I'd have the strength, if I were in your shoes, to even try to cope with this; the fact that you've confessed to priests and have sought help is incredible to me. You go, girl. wink But ... Don't give up. Keep your chin up. There is light at the end of the tunnel the same way it was at the end of the tunnel for my parents after they miscarried before having me, the same way it was at the end of the tunnel for me when I almost lost faith in God when I was fourteen years old but then ... woke up. I promise you that it will come, but you mustn't lose faith that it will as long as you follow Enj's advice and accept the reality of what happened, hurt and acknowledge that it hurts, and then grow from it the way flowers grow from where there was once only soil. Quote: The military doesn't think I'm stable enough. The medical report they got was just done a few months after being raped. I was a total mess; cutting, starving myself, unable to sleep... That same report still let me gain acceptance back into my school because my doctor felt that I had recovered sufficiently enough to continue being a student. I worked hard at losing the weight I had gained while in super depression mode (i switched between starving and binging)...cos in the Army you have to maintain a certain height and weight, I started helping other cadets achieve their physical goals, I was seeing a school psychologist and trying to do my best in my academics... But that wasn't enough, apparently. They had given me a waiver at my freshman year because I had a minor meltdown of stress in my junior year of high school. I had cut and I OD'ed on Tylenol because my parents weren't seeing my struggles (I was struggling in my honors classes, trying to do well in my sports, and I had severely injured my foot in soccer; mom wouldn't even let me use the proper dosage for painkillers) . This is the same year that my mother furiously condemned me for being bisexual, and I think that hurt me a LOT deeper than I wanted to admit. I had a really, really close relationship with my mother previously. I wouldn't say she was one of my best friends, but she was someone I trusted dearly and to have such a vicious turnaround kinda killed me inside. I suppose, considering my history, I can see doubts...but I was really hoping that the changes I had made, not only with myself but fellow cadets would have made an impression. My dad is more convinced it has to do with budget cuts than anything else, and not me personally. Wow. That is so awful, and I'm so very sorry that that happened to you. I just ... I really don't know what to say. It makes me sad and mad when parents don't realize the emotional distress they're inflicting upon their children. I'm just so sorry. Quote: I'm just not sure how I can see God's presence. I mean, I hardly trust people any more. I've been through two abusive relationships; both had psychological abuse and cheating, one ended in physical sexual abuse, the other just up and left. I've had one of my best friends whom I grew up in elementary school and still kept in touch for most of high school just walk out on me and never spoke to me again after I told her I was bisexual, thinking she would help me find a way to be supportive or something. My mother and I still have a horrid relationship; in fact, I try and limit spending time with the rest of my family because I simply cannot stand being around her. I don't know how to trust people, how to see the goodness in people. It's a struggle. I'm practically terrified of entering a relationship because I'm so tired of being used and abused. I've started engaging in one night stands to satisfy my cravings for sex. Hell, I masturbate as well because that's at least one feeling I can count on that won't be manipulated in one way or another. I know that I'm a messed up person, but I just wish I didn't have to be so skittish. I put on a mask, a facade so people don't get suspicious. But I really can't sense God's presence in people. I feel like I've got a blindfold on, or I'm trapped in a dark room and just groping for anything to make my life feel stable again. Perhaps Enj is right. Perhaps the first step is to come to terms with what happened to you and to learn to love and accept yourself just the way you are. It's not easy, and it's not short -- and this is coming from someone who has always had a happy life, so it will probably be an even longer road ahead for you after all that you've suffered. But I think that once you reach that level of self-awareness and self-respect -- and once you see the presence of God in yourself -- I have no doubt you'll be able to see it in others. Quote: Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I really appreciate it. I just wish I could feel what it meant to be prayed for, though. I know it's important and I should be grateful; I feel bad that I can't feel any kind of emotion of that sort! My mother keeps on telling me that she's praying for me and looks at me expectantly...but I don't know how I should feel. I feel nothing. Like I have a heart of stone... *hugs* You don't need to be grateful. Just know that a stranger cares about you and, as you can see from the responses before this one, several of them do.
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Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 11:00 pm
Dear, I am deeply sorry for what you've experienced in your life. My heart and soul goes out to you. I will pray for you incessantly.
I don't exactly know how to start, but here's what I think you should try to do. : )
First, I am sorry for what your mother has done to you. I read the other posts, and I understand why you are so deeply in turmoil over your mother. I myself have many friend's whose mothers make me want to adopt them, because of their treatment. (I am a very protective person over those I care about, I can't stand to see those I care about treated badly) One friend in particular actually has been sexually abused by a relative, her mother wouldn't even turn the person in. Her mother is a horrid person herself, and man, I want someone to take custody of her remaining children. Also, I see your psychologist has told you that you've connected your mother with faith. REMEMBER. If someone does not act like a Catholic should, they are not Catholic. Your mother may be zealous, but if she didn't do the right christian thing and treat you with compassion, then she is no more a Catholic or a christian than an atheist. Real Catholics ACT like it. Real Catholics who obey Jesus's commands, they are the christians; not those who put on a face, and pretend they are, only christian in name. I know its hard to disconnect the two from one another, but she isn't a true model. She is a false one. Try to disassociate them. *Anyways*. What you and my friend both have in common is a scar, and a need for a loving mother, and a need for God's love. My friend isn't Catholic, but you are, and you'll understand better. When you parents on earth treat you badly, you always have a set up in heaven who always and incessantly will love you no matter what happens. Obviously, God is the Dad, as far as mothers go, Mary is always there. Now, many don't think about it, but Mary loves us too. She helps lead people to her Son, and as a loving mother, can intercede as well as heal us. My suggestion on the case of your mother is to let all the past melt away from your mind, and go to our heavenly Mother. She will love you, understand you, and heal you. She can be the real mother to you. With her being your real mother, and her healing you, you'll be more open to God; through her healing and love she can lead you to God. : )
A second thing is, I read through the other posts that you are turning to one night stands and masturbation. These can increase feelings of hurt. First, one night stands and masturbation are both, well, not the most positive things. Remember, you deserve the best, you are amazing. Don't give yourself to those who don't love you, you are worth bajillions more than anything those people can even come up with. Save it for someone who truly deserves you. Second, masturbation is....very not positive, its sinful. Whatever you...ahem...do.... remember that thing isn't worth it either. These only give ephemeral pleasure, and leave emptiness behind, which becomes a vicious cycle, because you don't want that emptiness to be there. Leave these things behind! They don't help you! You'll find also, that its easier to find God without these things, because instead of a short fill-and-go, God will stay, and heal. He loves you so much! Never forget that! He will wait forever for you to come to find him, he never turns his back, he never betrays, and is full of joy when you seek him!
Again back to the whole real Christians act like Christians thing. Your connection with your mother and her zeal and stuff may be the reason you don't like to be in church much either. (sorry if I sound ignorant, but connecting her with Catholicism and a church building to me are different. ^^; ) In church, you feel that strong connection between her, and Catholicism, and then that feeling seeps into the building because of further mental connection. You also talked about how you liked the open air church. The remedy for this is to perhaps go to a newer church. I don't know if the ones up there are old, but the old ones tend to be enclosed and quite dreary. Find a newer built one, they afford more light and may be a nice contrast. : )
I think, because your soul has been hurt so much, and the sudden change with what your faith was connected with, the connection was just lost. You heart does not know what to connect it with now that the other connection has seared the wires a bit with its horrible actions. Your soul has been through so much, and major helpers that should've been there weren't, and the burden was psychologically and spiritually too shocking and way too much. Remember, God's burden is easy and light. He'll take away anything you got thats bad, and replace it with his easy burden of love and healing.
When souls are so quickly taken out of whack, and put in situations such as yours, its understandable you would be lost and loose faith. Remember Simba, after he left the pridelands and went into the graveyard, that he was then quickly in trouble, and evil came after him? Thats what happens to souls such as yours. Events shock them to the edge of the pridelands and they become lost, then they drift into the 'dark, shadowy place' where the Devil rules. It feels like to me, the Devil is messing with you, big time. He's drawn you away through events and taken away support, and through this you're extremely vulnerable. But, remember, God is strong. So, very, super, awesomely, Chuck Norris, stronger than the Devil, that if you seek God and his 'Pride Lands', and try to travel there, leaving your burden behind, you can find peace, and be delivered from the evil that seeks to hurt you. The Devil uses alot of stuff to keep you away from God. He's and expert. But, remember, its easy to skip past the easy traps he sets. For one: sin. Turn away from it, just don't do it. Don't even give yourself time to think it over, just do the good thing, the thing that will heal and help you the most, and just avoid sin. Sins make you feel bad, and this may be why you don't feel 'clean'. Its not the actual event that left the scar that feels dirty, its that the scar got infected. In confusion, turmoil, and hurt, you just didn't know what to do. You eventually turned to other things for comfort, and they ended up exacerbating the situation, they infected the scar. And because the scar is infected, it needs to disinfect before it can heal, so disinfect it. I know all of this is easier to say than to do, but trust me, its all worth doing. In all the world, there is nothing more worth doing than to serve God. He loves you more than anything, heals all, and holds you in the palm of his hand, sets you on his lap, and lets you tell him your pain, and then comforts you and gives you a cookie and lets you go to have better times ahead, holding your hand through it all.
Last thing. I don't know if anyone's already said it, but maybe you should get the Sacrement of the Anointing of the Sick. Its not just for the physically ill, its for the spiritually ill too. It could help. Also, try going to the adoration chapel, to the Blessed Sacrement. Being in the purest prescence of Jesus we have second to like, being in heaven, is really a wonderful experience.
I am sorry if this sounds really stupid, ignorant, or anything of the like. I am in high school, and this is the best I can come up with. I hope that you find help some where, and that maybe I can help a little. I will pray for you a lot, and I hope you don't feel alone, because all of us in this guild care about each other, and as you can see in these responses, we care and want to help you. : )
[/end long unstructured rant : ) ]
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 4:50 pm
Ebony the Peacian Do they still get together, or is there any way that all of you could come together again and establish a group that meets regularly to talk about these things? Talking it out could be very therapeutic, especially since these people have probably experienced things similar to what you have. No, it's just a rare thing that happened because of it being Sexual Abuse Awareness week. I was part of another group (but that had to do with being in the closet), which helped me feel more at ease tremendously, but I can't meet up with them this semester because I have class during that time. I am considering going to talk with the school psychologist again. I'm just so broke right now, I can't really afford anything that has charges. s**t, I can't really go to get birth control cos now it's more of a choice between medicine or food? Ebony the Peacian It's interesting that you should say that; I love outdoor prayer services/masses too! Indeed, they are very peaceful and free. I know that you're intimidated by going to church, but it sounds almost like you experience -- I don't know -- claustrophobic feelings inside a church setting. Have you been able to pinpoint what, exactly, makes you feel uncomfortable in the physical building of the church? Is it just being there, or is it a certain aspect of being there -- seeing a certain person, hearing certain things -- that makes you uncomfortable there? Hmm, I never thought of them as claustrophobic....I just become massively uncomfortable. I feel like I enter an executioner's stage and I'm ready to be chopped/hanged/punished for what I've done. It's sudden rush of anxiety, self-loathing, some degree of guilt, confusion, hatred. I suppose the best description would be getting anxiety attacks. I couldn't even stay for my brother's baccalaureate Mass cos I couldn't stop crying; it was a sensory overload, amplified because of stress. I've gotten this feeling in pretty much any church building; Catholic or some other Christian, old and modern, even a makeshift one in the basement of a Lutheran chapel made me extremely edgy. I practically sprinted out of there (I had to participate in mandatory Mass for the group I was a part of) when Mass was finished. Ebony the Peacian You can't change what happened to you, but as Enj/Sinful said, you can heal and become a stronger person because of it. God does not choose the qualified; he qualifies the called. heart I think that as you slowly begin to forgive yourself, the man who raped you, and your mother, you'll untie yourself from the emotional anchors that have been grounding you for so long. I don't think I could ever forgive what that guy did to me. It's not a simple act of hurting me, he violated me and it's had a horrendous ripple effect on my life. I might not be able to pursue my life's dreams because of him, I am never going to be what I used to be. I want to change because I want to, not against my will. That being said, I know I don't have to waste energy hating him or wanting to castrate him for what he did, or try and take vengeance. I don't care to forgive him. I feel it's a cop out for dealing with what's happened to me. Other people may do it and feel it's right, but to me, personally it feels disgusting. As for my mother, I don't really know. We've reached a "tolerable" level. I don't confide into her anymore, I don't talk to her like a normal daughter would when wanting advice for life. I have tried and tried again over the years to try and bridge that gap that's between us, but to no avail. My dad thinks she's also clinically depressed, and wants her to see someone, but my mom is the denier type and it takes an extraordinary amount of nagging/talking/debating/pleading just to get her to see a checkup. I still respect her, maybe love her, but she's still at an arm's distance for me. Ebony the Peacian Perhaps Enj is right. Perhaps the first step is to come to terms with what happened to you and to learn to love and accept yourself just the way you are. It's not easy, and it's not short -- and this is coming from someone who has always had a happy life, so it will probably be an even longer road ahead for you after all that you've suffered. But I think that once you reach that level of self-awareness and self-respect -- and once you see the presence of God in yourself -- I have no doubt you'll be able to see it in others. Well I certainly hope so. I mean, it's easier said than done, but it's something I'm trying my best to work at.
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 5:25 pm
Neglected Pancake Your mother may be zealous, but if she didn't do the right christian thing and treat you with compassion, then she is no more a Catholic or a christian than an atheist. Real Catholics ACT like it. Real Catholics who obey Jesus's commands, they are the christians; not those who put on a face, and pretend they are, only christian in name. I know its hard to disconnect the two from one another, but she isn't a true model. She is a false one. Try to disassociate them. I guess what also makes it so hard is that she's so respected among other Catholics. She reminds me of a queen bee with her Catholic friends and associates, in terms of majority of people accept what she says and have high praises for her. She does good things, like volunteer for St. Vincent De Paul and such, go to Mass, rosary nights, adoration, the like. People have a lot of high respect for her and it's so awkward dealing with her teachings/beliefs as her daughter. It's like I'm stuck. Neglected Pancake Obviously, God is the Dad, as far as mothers go, Mary is always there. Now, many don't think about it, but Mary loves us too. She helps lead people to her Son, and as a loving mother, can intercede as well as heal us. My suggestion on the case of your mother is to let all the past melt away from your mind, and go to our heavenly Mother. She will love you, understand you, and heal you. She can be the real mother to you. With her being your real mother, and her healing you, you'll be more open to God; through her healing and love she can lead you to God. : ) I'm not really sure how to do that any more. I hardly ever pray, and the only time I do that is when I have my flashback nightmares of what happen that scare me horribly. I try, but I get discouraged. :/ Neglected Pancake A second thing is, I read through the other posts that you are turning to one night stands and masturbation. These can increase feelings of hurt. First, one night stands and masturbation are both, well, not the most positive things. Remember, you deserve the best, you are amazing. Don't give yourself to those who don't love you, you are worth bajillions more than anything those people can even come up with. Save it for someone who truly deserves you. One night stands didn't really lead to feelings of hurt for me. Makes me up my standards, if anything. I do believe that it's unhealthy to have a relationship based on sex. But I can't see why one can't have a healthy relationship first, and sex if both parties are consensual. One night stands are not any kind of relationship for me, so that point is a bit moot...but I do engage in one night stands understanding and knowing that it's just a one night thing, and to not expect any more than that. Neglected Pancake Second, masturbation is....very not positive, its sinful. Whatever you...ahem...do.... remember that thing isn't worth it either. These only give ephemeral pleasure, and leave emptiness behind, which becomes a vicious cycle, because you don't want that emptiness to be there. Leave these things behind! They don't help you! You'll find also, that its easier to find God without these things, because instead of a short fill-and-go, God will stay, and heal. He loves you so much! Never forget that! He will wait forever for you to come to find him, he never turns his back, he never betrays, and is full of joy when you seek him! Hmm, not sure where you're getting this emptiness sort of deal. I resort to masturbation and one night stands because it gives me a spark of something awesome. It's a bit disappointing sometimes after a session, but I do know that I'm not being manipulated, that I can feel pleasure and not have to depend on anyone for it; while it may be a different and unconventional form, it's pleasure that I did for myself. While I might not get the same kind of pleasure reaching goals I set, or getting good grades, it's something positive for me. In disappointing, like sometimes I'll feel a bit lame and such and wish I had a partner that was actually a decent person, but it hasn't spiraled into a deeper emptiness and longing for me. >_> I've never really understood why the Church said it was sinful in the first place. Ever since I discovered I liked sex/stimulation, I enjoy it tremendously. I don't really see it as something wrong as long as it's consensual, in a private setting (like not in public or in front of kids), and safe. sweatdrop erm...sorry if this is too graphic for you guys. I tried to be discreet... redface Neglected Pancake You also talked about how you liked the open air church. The remedy for this is to perhaps go to a newer church. I don't know if the ones up there are old, but the old ones tend to be enclosed and quite dreary. Find a newer built one, they afford more light and may be a nice contrast. : ) Whoops, I think I accidentally mixed my previous response to this with a reply to Ebony. I've tried going to newer churches, my dorm chapel, other Christian settings, and the same anxiety always comes up. Neglected Pancake I think, because your soul has been hurt so much, and the sudden change with what your faith was connected with, the connection was just lost. You heart does not know what to connect it with now that the other connection has seared the wires a bit with its horrible actions. Your soul has been through so much, and major helpers that should've been there weren't, and the burden was psychologically and spiritually too shocking and way too much. I think you really nailed this, spot on. ._. now to find the connection again. I don't care to be super zealous, but not feeling like I'm going to get hanged when I go to Church on sundays would be nice. Neglected Pancake Sins make you feel bad, and this may be why you don't feel 'clean'. Its not the actual event that left the scar that feels dirty, its that the scar got infected. In confusion, turmoil, and hurt, you just didn't know what to do. You eventually turned to other things for comfort, and they ended up exacerbating the situation, they infected the scar. And because the scar is infected, it needs to disinfect before it can heal, so disinfect it. I know all of this is easier to say than to do, but trust me, its all worth doing. In all the world, there is nothing more worth doing than to serve God. He loves you more than anything, heals all, and holds you in the palm of his hand, sets you on his lap, and lets you tell him your pain, and then comforts you and gives you a cookie and lets you go to have better times ahead, holding your hand through it all. I suppose the key is learning to believe in God again. I just feel like the institution of religion (at least what I was taught) is a twisted, contorted version of God's teachings. Like something so different than what a higher power wants us to hope and believe in. -._./- I don't know any more, what to think, what to hope or believe in. I just have my goals, my dreams that I want to accomplish and while working towards them, I just feel so empty inside. Sexual pleasures help to take the edge off; but I engage in such practices, knowing that it's not a solution, but rather something enjoy temporarily while plodding to the finish line. Neglected Pancake Last thing. I don't know if anyone's already said it, but maybe you should get the Sacrement of the Anointing of the Sick. Its not just for the physically ill, its for the spiritually ill too. It could help. Also, try going to the adoration chapel, to the Blessed Sacrement. Being in the purest prescence of Jesus we have second to like, being in heaven, is really a wonderful experience. ._. Like talk to a priest and ask for this? D: @_@ I haven't been to Mass in years, I'd feel bad about asking for it. Neglected Pancake I am sorry if this sounds really stupid, ignorant, or anything of the like. I am in high school, and this is the best I can come up with. I hope that you find help some where, and that maybe I can help a little. I will pray for you a lot, and I hope you don't feel alone, because all of us in this guild care about each other, and as you can see in these responses, we care and want to help you. : ) Nah, it's cool. Pretty well thought out though, so I'm impressed, even if our experiences are very, very different.
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:39 pm
Slick Southpaw I guess what also makes it so hard is that she's so respected among other Catholics. She reminds me of a queen bee with her Catholic friends and associates, in terms of majority of people accept what she says and have high praises for her. She does good things, like volunteer for St. Vincent De Paul and such, go to Mass, rosary nights, adoration, the like. People have a lot of high respect for her and it's so awkward dealing with her teachings/beliefs as her daughter. It's like I'm stuck. I understand your block here. But just because she respected among others, doesn't mean she fully deserves that respect. The people who respect her for what she does inside the church, don't know what she's done outside. If they knew, I think they would loose a considerable amount of respect for her. Remember, peoples views mean nothing; they are the most distorted things this world can produce because people can hide so much of themselves from others. Slick Southpaw I'm not really sure how to do that any more. I hardly ever pray, and the only time I do that is when I have my flashback nightmares of what happen that scare me horribly. I try, but I get discouraged. :/ Thats why praying is such a good form of healing. It doesn't take alot, just the will to find God and ask him for help. If it helps, what is the MOST positive memory you have of God? Maybe you had a little song, toy, etc when you were little or something. Go to your memories, and search out that good feeling. Then use this positive feeling to pray, it helps. Never ever get discouraged, its like riding a bike after you haven't written it in awhile, you just have to get used to the balance of it again. Just keep trying. Start off with a general prayer, the Our Father, its online if you don't know the words, or the Hail Mary. After you've prayed the general prayers, just go freeflow and make up your own. Ask for help, for healing, for peace, for a way to find God. I see the Devil messing with you again. My dear, he wants to discourage you so you won't find the true peace of God and his love, he barracades your mind with bad dreams and discouragement. Don't let him do that. You are a Child of God! Jesus beat him FOREVER AGO! Ask Jesus for help, it doesn't have to be the greatest prayer-speech to exist, just ask Jesus for help! Slick Southpaw One night stands didn't really lead to feelings of hurt for me. Makes me up my standards, if anything. I do believe that it's unhealthy to have a relationship based on sex. But I can't see why one can't have a healthy relationship first, and sex if both parties are consensual. One night stands are not any kind of relationship for me, so that point is a bit moot...but I do engage in one night stands understanding and knowing that it's just a one night thing, and to not expect any more than that. Its not hurt, per se, that was a bad choice of wording on my part. You hurt yourself by doing these things. You may not feel it, or perceive it, but it does. Its just an empty way of living. Satisfying a craving for pleasure with empty one night stands, no relationship, no connection other than the sex, no love, but giving a very valuable thing away. Now, I am still a virgin, but I have heard that when you have sex with someone, you give some of yourself away. I should think so, you are letting a stranger into you. You may make a shallow acquaintanceship, then just go do the deed, but you don't know the person. I think maybe you do these things to give yourself control over your body again, because of what happened. I don't know, if I am wrong, tell me, I am making many assumptions. Slick Southpaw Hmm, not sure where you're getting this emptiness sort of deal. I resort to masturbation and one night stands because it gives me a spark of something awesome. It's a bit disappointing sometimes after a session, but I do know that I'm not being manipulated, that I can feel pleasure and not have to depend on anyone for it; while it may be a different and unconventional form, it's pleasure that I did for myself. While I might not get the same kind of pleasure reaching goals I set, or getting good grades, it's something positive for me. In disappointing, like sometimes I'll feel a bit lame and such and wish I had a partner that was actually a decent person, but it hasn't spiraled into a deeper emptiness and longing for me. >_> I've never really understood why the Church said it was sinful in the first place. Ever since I discovered I liked sex/stimulation, I enjoy it tremendously. I don't really see it as something wrong as long as it's consensual, in a private setting (like not in public or in front of kids), and safe. sweatdrop erm...sorry if this is too graphic for you guys. I tried to be discreet... redface Hehe, its fine with the graphicness, I've heard worse stuff in the halls of my high school. Perhaps I went too extreme in my definition. You described the emptiness you feel after a session? Thats the kind of emptiness. That naggy-wishy feeling, that you could share that with someone else. Now, Sex was meant to be a two person thing. I mean, if you think about it, in a literal sense, sex is mating. You have a natural want for a partner. When you take the partner out of the equation and just strain the pleasure out of the situation, its deconstructive. Sex was meant to be enjoyed by two people who loved each other, as a partner joy experience where you share the deepest self you can, showing the greatest possible love to the other person, and then that getting reciprocated back. When you result to one night stands, this love doesn't exist, its empty, you waste yourself on someone who doesn't deserve you, or the love mean't to be given. When you masturbate, you have no one/nothing to share your love with, just a toy that is hollow and only gauges pleasure out of what is supposed to be a situation of love, and a sharing of it. This is why the Church thinks these things are sinful. They are selfish sources of pleasure, they don't give love to others, or help you, they just bit by bit destroy the path to God. God gave you a mind over an animal, you have logic, inteligence, love. Don't revert to animalistic behavior, it dehumanizes you; and since animals can't much think about actions, if they were humans, they would sin a whole lot. Don't do that to yourself. Sex is not like eating, or sleeping, or breathing, you don't need it. Its just an impulse, an evolutionary switch. We want to make babies. Sex happens to be our way of doing it. Challenge yourself to be abstinent. I know it sounds corny, but think. When you have sex, specifically masturbation, you are filling a selfish want and focusing on only your pleasure. Take that focus on yourself away, and use the time you would've spent on yourself, and try to find God, or serve him. If you start to focus on him, you can take steps toward finding him. Slick Southpaw Whoops, I think I accidentally mixed my previous response to this with a reply to Ebony. I've tried going to newer churches, my dorm chapel, other Christian settings, and the same anxiety always comes up. Ah, you must REALLY REALLY hate your mother. Her oppressive feeling, her condemnation is what you feel in church, not the church itself. It scares you out of your wits it sounds like. The first step towards this is to dissociate the two. While you do that, perhaps you should take steps toward church. You know those channels on TV? Where they show church on sundays? Watch that, instead of going to church. This could help because you're in the comfort, and safety of your home, you don't feel as if you are being looked at or condemed by others there, and you can start to associate it positively. Eat cookies while watching it, eat favorite foods while watching it, hold something fluffy. Do this until you feel very comfortable, give it awhile for them to set it. Its like very wet cement trying to dry. Let it flow into your mind. Then, maybe take baby steps toward church. Just drive by it once, then do a few more weeks of positive TV, then get out of the car, more positivity, so on, etc. Until, you feel as though its positive instead of negative. Slick Southpaw I think you really nailed this, spot on. ._. now to find the connection again. I don't care to be super zealous, but not feeling like I'm going to get hanged when I go to Church on sundays would be nice. Again, the whole mother-transfer thing, and again with the Devil thing. He's really messing with you. He is forcing those feelings you have that are negative toward the forefront when you get near church so you won't want to go. Obviously, its worked. Just remember, he doesn't want you to go, he doesn't want you to be healed. He'll do anything he can to keep you away from God. Its not the church that hurts you, its him. Do the positivity thing. Also, remember, Jesus delivered you from him, he has no sway over you. All he has is your own fear to work with, you give him nothing to work with, he gets bored and moves on. He's like a spiritual bully. Pray for strength, guidance, and pray protection from angels by asking Jesus to surround you with them. They love to help too. Also, intercession from The Archangel Michael. The Devil HATES HIM. He's the guy that beat him up on the battlefield. Remember, praying isn't hard, he just wants to make it seem that way so you don't do it. Fight him, You are a Child of God! The Living God! The Creator, The Almighty! The Creator of cake, and other totally and completely awesome things! Slick Southpaw I suppose the key is learning to believe in God again. I just feel like the institution of religion (at least what I was taught) is a twisted, contorted version of God's teachings. Like something so different than what a higher power wants us to hope and believe in. -._./- I don't know any more, what to think, what to hope or believe in. I just have my goals, my dreams that I want to accomplish and while working towards them, I just feel so empty inside. Sexual pleasures help to take the edge off; but I engage in such practices, knowing that it's not a solution, but rather something enjoy temporarily while plodding to the finish line. You feel like the institutions suck because your mother SUCKS. You've melded, intertwined, married, and spawned babies from the connection with your mother and the Church. I think that maybe you feel like its so different from what God wants us to believe in, because God has put on our heart that your mother is TOTALLY not the right person to look for in terms of religon. Because you connected them so closely, you can't percieve the difference. Your mother is the twisted, contorted thing far from what God wants you to believe in. God doesn't want you to 'believe' in her anymore. This is the empty feeling I kind of was talking about. You use sex to take the edge off, but I bet this edge dulls doesn't it? Your emptiness is the need/want for God. You use sex to in a way bury this feeling. But it comes back, so you bury it again, etc. This is what the Devil does. (now I KNOW I sound like a TOTAL bible thumper, but the Devil does really mess around with people!) He doesn't want you to have that feeling, he doesn't want you to follow that feeling to God. So he finds an outlet to cover that feeling: in your case: sex. Take this out of the equation, and your soul can find what its looking for because it isn't buried under the covers. Enjoy temporarily. These pleasures fade, they don't do anything for you. They blur your souls senses so it can't find the thing it REALLY needs, the thing that it was naturally made for. These pleasures are NOTHING compared to the joy, peace, happiness, and total awesomeness God can give. These aren't temporary, these true joys stay, they don't fade, you won't need to take the edge off anymore, there won't even be an edge. You will have found the thing you actually NEEDED. Slick Southpaw ._. Like talk to a priest and ask for this? D: @_@ I haven't been to Mass in years, I'd feel bad about asking for it. You may have to talk to a priest about it, yes. But you can do it over the phone, and when he gives you the sacrement, he can come to you. Just explain the situation. HE DOESN'T JUDGE. God's servants seek to help others, as he will, he knows that those who would seek healing are legit, they want to find what they need. HE IS NOT YOUR MOTHER. You shouldn't. You remember the whole prodigal son thing? (if not search it up, this will make sense xD ) Those who need it the most aren't those who come to mass every sunday, but those who haven't. Those who have been hurt, and abused. Those who hurt as you do. Healing is for the sick, not the healthy. : ) Slick Southpaw Nah, it's cool. Pretty well thought out though, so I'm impressed, even if our experiences are very, very different. I am glad it didn't totally suck, thanks : D PSS- You may feel this positive feeling when you help out with Habitat for Humanity because thats your soul feeling God. It hasn't truly felt it because its been shaded by your mother. This is also you finding God in others, the way God's people are supposed to be. HINT: this is God telling you this is the way its supposed to be. Do Habitat for Humanity bunch of times, serve bunches, let your soul follow the trail of love-bread-crumbs back to the source: God. Let the bread crumbs fill your hungry soul, fill the emptiness. For, if you eat this bread, you shall never hunger again. (some quote in some book of the bible) You won't need to take any edge off. When you continue to do these things, you will feel God's TRUE love, and this can build up. : ) [/end to even LONGER rant that I didn't mean to be longer but that I hope helps]
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:54 pm
Slick Southpaw No, it's just a rare thing that happened because of it being Sexual Abuse Awareness week. I was part of another group (but that had to do with being in the closet), which helped me feel more at ease tremendously, but I can't meet up with them this semester because I have class during that time. I am considering going to talk with the school psychologist again. I'm just so broke right now, I can't really afford anything that has charges. s**t, I can't really go to get birth control cos now it's more of a choice between medicine or food? Keep looking for support groups that help take away the loneliness and the guilt you're feeling. Is there a local YMCA or other community center nearby where you could do some investigating on the support groups that are meeting close to where you go to school? Quote: Hmm, I never thought of them as claustrophobic....I just become massively uncomfortable. I feel like I enter an executioner's stage and I'm ready to be chopped/hanged/punished for what I've done. It's sudden rush of anxiety, self-loathing, some degree of guilt, confusion, hatred. I suppose the best description would be getting anxiety attacks. I couldn't even stay for my brother's baccalaureate Mass cos I couldn't stop crying; it was a sensory overload, amplified because of stress. I've gotten this feeling in pretty much any church building; Catholic or some other Christian, old and modern, even a makeshift one in the basement of a Lutheran chapel made me extremely edgy. I practically sprinted out of there (I had to participate in mandatory Mass for the group I was a part of) when Mass was finished. You know what, I think Pancake is right. I think you're associating the physical surrounding of the church with your mother's oppressiveness. I really like her advice -- to gradually become accustomed to the presence of the Holy Spirit in a place where you feel safe and free, and then, perhaps, making your way into a church whenever you feel ready to do so. Quote: I don't think I could ever forgive what that guy did to me. It's not a simple act of hurting me, he violated me and it's had a horrendous ripple effect on my life. I might not be able to pursue my life's dreams because of him, I am never going to be what I used to be. I want to change because I want to, not against my will. That being said, I know I don't have to waste energy hating him or wanting to castrate him for what he did, or try and take vengeance. I don't care to forgive him. I feel it's a cop out for dealing with what's happened to me. Other people may do it and feel it's right, but to me, personally it feels disgusting. I understand. I didn't mean to upset you. I know it's very hard to forgive; I've had trouble forgiving people for doing less evil things, and I hope you know I have a tremendous amount of respect for you for not hating him. I don't want you to think I'm saying something like, "Oh, yeah, forgive him and it'll all be over and you can move on." That's close-minded and unrealistic to expect from anyone. But ... Forgiveness is one way for people to heal; I was just throwing that out there for your consideration. Quote: As for my mother, I don't really know. We've reached a "tolerable" level. I don't confide into her anymore, I don't talk to her like a normal daughter would when wanting advice for life. I have tried and tried again over the years to try and bridge that gap that's between us, but to no avail. My dad thinks she's also clinically depressed, and wants her to see someone, but my mom is the denier type and it takes an extraordinary amount of nagging/talking/debating/pleading just to get her to see a checkup. I still respect her, maybe love her, but she's still at an arm's distance for me. Maybe that's what's best for you right now. She seems like she, too, needs help; perhaps her oppressive nature is an expression of some pain she might be feeling inside, too. I feel like you should heal from this experience before trying to foster a deeper relationship with her not because one of you may necessarily be bad for the other, but perhaps, when you two are emotionally stable, that friendship might actually mean something. Quote: Well I certainly hope so. I mean, it's easier said than done, but it's something I'm trying my best to work at. Like I said before, the fact that you're seeking help is amazing. And we're with you all the way.
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