Life and Love - MUST IT BE SO COMPLICATED?!?
Isn't life just *insert cuss word here* great? Isn't it dandy? Peachy? You think you got something special. Something so wonderful. And then it turns out to be something horrible. Something that makes your life miserable. Makes everyday miserable. Makes you cry like nothing else can. And yet, this same horrible, (okay let's be honest) person is also soooooo wonderful. Makes your life perfect. Gives it meaning.
You know, there was a time in my life where I wanted to die. There was absolutely NOTHING for me. No one cared or gave a *insert cuss word here* about me. I was just... there. No one would notice if I left. Whatever. More than once I got a knife out and imagined the quickest possible way to do it. You wouldn't believe it (if you know me), but it's true.
My life sucked. And it still does, usually. Tortured at school. Tortured at home. Always made fun of for being quiet, smart, poor. Yes, poor. I can't afford some of the things people expect me to own. I bring this up to my parents. Asking for something a little better. They tell me I "don't know the value of a dollar." Yeah, 'cause it's not like I'm enrolled in collegiate high school (adding so much *insert cuss word here* extra *insert another cuss word here* to my workload and staying up til midnight every night) so I can earn my AA degree for free. It's not like I'm looking at in-state colleges right now when I reeeeeeeeeeally more than anything want to go out of state. Yeah, I totally don't know the value of a dollar.
I wanted to die. I still do, sometimes. But... someone stops me now. He does. Cause he's amazing and he's pretty much always been there for me. Ever since I met him my life has gotten so much better, and yet so much harder. I worry more. Cry more. But I laugh more. Smile more. Or do I?
Is this what love is? Please tell me I'm not the only one who's heart is being ripped in two. I hate him but I love him and I love him so much more. You know, they say (and I say) that "love is giving somebody the power to hurt you but trusting them not to." I say he could never hurt me, but... he has. So many times. He never meant to. I've just been hurt so many times before, I'm really sensitive now, and I hate it. I really wish I wasn't. So I eventually had to add, "true love is forgiving them even when they do." And I do forgive him. I always do 'cause I truly love him.
You know, this is pathetic. I must be upset if I'm gonna tell you guys everything. I was never like this, either. I used to never tell anybody anything. Until he helped me. Now I'll start randomly spilling my life story to everybody. Gah! MY LIFE IS TOTALLY *cuss word here* UP!
Everything's changing. I love it. And yet I hate it. BUT I LOVE IT MORE! Overall, I love him. I love what we have and my life has gotten much better. But it still sucks. And when things get really bad, they get really bad. Worse than ever.
I'm so...ugh! This whole life and love thing is so complicated and confusing as hell.
But let me just say one more thing:
He's everything to me. Everything for me. He's what gets me out of bed every morning and keeps me alive. Without him, I'd have given up a year ago. He's my strength and my hope and my light and I hope he never leaves. I hope he never decides to leave because it "would be better for" me, 'cause it wouldn't. I can't live without him.
See what I mean? See how complicated this is? *sigh*
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