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Hell's Frozen Flames (just a crappy fanfic -.-; )

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  its not THAT bad....
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Saitemi

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:49 pm


I decided to rewrite it!!! w00t!!!! its gunna be compleatly different ^.^ im gunna start it from a different point to.... if you wanna take the 'quiz' form of it, go here http://quizilla.com/users/OkamiKami/quizzes/ and go to ~~hells frozen flames~~
I will right the updated version when I get a chance ^.^
PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 9:29 am


Hello. I ony watched one episone of FullMetal Alchemist, so I will be reviewing this only style and grammar-wise. 3nodding

Spelling mistakes come first, becaused you should have been able to pick them out yourself, really. Nothing too severe - just a few typos, I'm sure.

can transmute somwething just by touching it
Mabey I should start form the top?
I was allways very close to my dad (Same thing next line)
My fater was a werewolf
and scince I wasn't concintrating on it
But thats why I were a black hat! (Same thing next line)

I'm sure you know how to spell those words, so I won't bother putting corrections up.

Now, stylistically:

I do like how you started the whole thing - the whole nice and easygoing introduction. However, I would put it in a different tense (But I am horrid with formal grammar terms, so that's vague.) I would write 'Going to school, coming home...' then 'transmuting things just by touching them' (Because 'something' just looks lame in there) and 'living with...'

The next paragraph, although much better-written grammatically seems just on the verge of imploding - it's incredibly vague. There is no explanation as to how her father died and what he looked like lying on the floor. And, despite the few lines showing thats he was very close to her father, there is no indication to how she feels when she sees him dead. Also, 'I passed out' is incredibly vague. I understand that this is meant to sound like a retelling of the event from the character's point of view, and hence might not have as much detail as a typical third-person account - but perhaps a bit more information would have made the whole event a lot more interesting, and emphasize it's importance. The way she's talking, it sounds like she saw a dead cat on her way to the mall.

The next paragraph is rather abrupt. Why pop in so quickly into physical appearance? Perhaps a bit of information on how she lives presently would have made the topic change less startling. Also, quite some repetition here - 'Silver wolf ears and a silver wolf tail' could simply be 'The silver tail and ears of a wolf'. And in the following lines, 'But thats why I were a black hat! I also were black fingerless gloves' could become 'But that's why I wear a black hat, and black fingerless gloves to hide....'

The other odd things that strike me in this paragraph are 'my eyes are the same color eyes as in your human form'. My human form? Is that intended? And to finish it off, 'tend to pop out at random moments' seems like a very unfitting verb. I'd use something like 'show themselves'.

Overall I find this story somewhat half-hearted and maybe even sloppy. It is an interesting idea, which could stand to being developed - because I do find myself wondering about what happened, and looking for more information. 3nodding Perhaps it will come when you continue, of course. I don't know that you have in mind. Sneaky authors. ninja In any case, if we do find out more, I'm sure it will thicken the plot and make it a great deal more interesting. whee

I hope that was somewhat useful, and apologize if I went into too much detail - but with a short piece like this it's easy to pick out most of the mistakes. Just as a note, however - you can take the stylistic critique with a grain of salt, because in the end it is all about style.

PS: If you would chose to rewrite it, feel free to show me the revised version - I'd love to see it. 3nodding heart

Stereochrome

Lucky Wrangler


Neko-Sama`

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 7:46 pm


Stereochrome
Hello. I ony watched one episone of FullMetal Alchemist, so I will be reviewing this only style and grammar-wise. 3nodding

Spelling mistakes come first, becaused you should have been able to pick them out yourself, really. Nothing too severe - just a few typos, I'm sure.

can transmute somwething just by touching it
Mabey I should start form the top?
I was allways very close to my dad (Same thing next line)
My fater was a werewolf
and scince I wasn't concintrating on it
But thats why I were a black hat! (Same thing next line)

I'm sure you know how to spell those words, so I won't bother putting corrections up.

Now, stylistically:

I do like how you started the whole thing - the whole nice and easygoing introduction. However, I would put it in a different tense (But I am horrid with formal grammar terms, so that's vague.) I would write 'Going to school, coming home...' then 'transmuting things just by touching them' (Because 'something' just looks lame in there) and 'living with...'

The next paragraph, although much better-written grammatically seems just on the verge of imploding - it's incredibly vague. There is no explanation as to how her father died and what he looked like lying on the floor. And, despite the few lines showing thats he was very close to her father, there is no indication to how she feels when she sees him dead. Also, 'I passed out' is incredibly vague. I understand that this is meant to sound like a retelling of the event from the character's point of view, and hence might not have as much detail as a typical third-person account - but perhaps a bit more information would have made the whole event a lot more interesting, and emphasize it's importance. The way she's talking, it sounds like she saw a dead cat on her way to the mall.

The next paragraph is rather abrupt. Why pop in so quickly into physical appearance? Perhaps a bit of information on how she lives presently would have made the topic change less startling. Also, quite some repetition here - 'Silver wolf ears and a silver wolf tail' could simply be 'The silver tail and ears of a wolf'. And in the following lines, 'But thats why I were a black hat! I also were black fingerless gloves' could become 'But that's why I wear a black hat, and black fingerless gloves to hide....'

The other odd things that strike me in this paragraph are 'my eyes are the same color eyes as in your human form'. My human form? Is that intended? And to finish it off, 'tend to pop out at random moments' seems like a very unfitting verb. I'd use something like 'show themselves'.

Overall I find this story somewhat half-hearted and maybe even sloppy. It is an interesting idea, which could stand to being developed - because I do find myself wondering about what happened, and looking for more information. 3nodding Perhaps it will come when you continue, of course. I don't know that you have in mind. Sneaky authors. ninja In any case, if we do find out more, I'm sure it will thicken the plot and make it a great deal more interesting. whee

I hope that was somewhat useful, and apologize if I went into too much detail - but with a short piece like this it's easy to pick out most of the mistakes. Just as a note, however - you can take the stylistic critique with a grain of salt, because in the end it is all about style.

PS: If you would chose to rewrite it, feel free to show me the revised version - I'd love to see it. 3nodding heart
yea, i know its not the best, i actually originally wrote it for quizilla in 2nd person, so thats one reason its not the best... that, and i rewrote it for here at two oclock in the morning ^.^;;;
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