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Punishment the Homunculus
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 Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 1:00 am
I just started this last night, and it's fairly rough. Most of my stories, I develop them as I write them. I just got this wierd urge to write, so I did. It's Scifi-ish, with a dash of suspense and mystery. I also wanted to add a bit of a noir flavor to it, but I think I need more meat to be able to flavor it with that. The next post is what I have so far. Bear with me, it's a bit rough at this point.
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Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 1:01 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Punishment the Homunculus
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Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:54 am
Just a brief comment on what you've done so far. smile The start is good; even though you say this copy is rough that part is really gripping. It immediately makes the reader question the situation and want to gain a better understanding of it.
The part where you say "organic" renders "(or natural)" redundant, in my opinion, and it might read better without it. Also, I'd look into changing the way you announce the differences: "one", and "two" are a little awkward. Firstly and secondly might possibly work better, for example. But anyway, a good start.
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Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:10 am
Thanks, I made a few changes. 3nodding
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Punishment the Homunculus
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 5:37 am
Cha, coolies!! My first review whee *laughs* I like it, it sounds really good! Keep it up!
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 10:38 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Punishment the Homunculus
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Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 4:50 am
The change from past tense to present tense is a bit odd, though understandable. The majority of books are written in the past tense, so it caused me a bit of confusion at first. That's just a personal comment though, so don't worry about it. The rest is pretty solid and provides a bit of information on what's happening and what the characters are like, so again, good work.
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Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:41 am
Wow, cool! it sounds really good so far, sci-fi/fantasy police books rock! I think it actually is pretty cool how it goes from past to present, whenever i start a book, i usually start out that way..... sometimes
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 12:09 pm
Some thoughts: It's gripping, pretty intense, but the pacing is moving a bit too quickly. Slow down. You proved you can grab our attention; now that you have it, hold on to it and tell us the story. Spoon-feed it, IV-drip it, Chinese water-torture us with it, but slow down and take your time. Also, remember to keep in mind what people know; most people know a little something about most things, but very few people know everything about something. Let your characters be ignorant about things... trust me, it's fun. You've got skills, so keep after it. Looking forward to what comes next.
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Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 3:13 pm
Jill_Frost Some thoughts: It's gripping, pretty intense, but the pacing is moving a bit too quickly. Slow down. You proved you can grab our attention; now that you have it, hold on to it and tell us the story. Spoon-feed it, IV-drip it, Chinese water-torture us with it, but slow down and take your time. Also, remember to keep in mind what people know; most people know a little something about most things, but very few people know everything about something. Let your characters be ignorant about things... trust me, it's fun. You've got skills, so keep after it. Looking forward to what comes next. Thanks. I'm thinking I may make it a short story, since I don't seem to have what it takes to make a true novel, though... sweatdrop
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Punishment the Homunculus
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