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Feeble Attempt at Poetry

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panic_at_the_opera rolled 5 6-sided dice: 3, 4, 2, 5, 3 Total: 17 (5-30)

panic_at_the_opera

PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 2:48 pm


I need to think, and I need to write.
Cause what I say, doesn't come out right.
I can't laugh, yet I can't cry.
All I can do is wonder why.
A man is gone, and that's a fact.
No amount of wishing will bring him back.
He left family and friends who now must deal
With the pain that's all too real.
Most who knew him are taking this rough,
while others only want his stuff.
If he were here, we all should know,
support for his wife he'd gladly show.
Yet as long as you-know-who puts his wife to the test
This great man in peace can't rest.
What I'd like to say, what this poem means,
LEAVE IT ALONE! HE'S NOT IN HIS THINGS!

((please be honest in your critiques. and does anyone have any ideas for a title...and one more thing...should I enter this in a local poetry contest?))
 
PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:29 pm


this is great
if i were you, i definitly enter this in a poem contest
as for a title i am not sure
this is a great poem though

B-block


Drakansa

Sexy Wife

PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 9:16 pm


Hmmm....
I do like it and I totally understand the sentiment, but I think it could use a bit more work.
I don't really like the rough/stuff rhyme, but that could just be me... It's just that the word "stuff" is so vague and informal I guess...
Also, I don't really like how you say "what this poem means" I don't think its a good idea to do that, it's like starting an essay with " what this essay is about..." but again that might just be me 'cause my english teacher has always really stressed that point.
The first senctince doesn't really need the "and" in the middle, but it doesn't really hurt anything.
I d on't really understand this part, "Yet as long as you-know-who puts his wife to the test
This great man in peace can't rest."I think you need to be a bit more clear, give some more clues and details as to what you mean.
I do really like it, I'm only writing a lot because for oncee I feel like I can give some imput. Sorry if it isn't helpful or offends you or anything. Keep writing, you've got serious potential.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 10:08 am


thank you! I'll be sure to work on it.

panic_at_the_opera

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The Writer's Menagerie

 
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