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I say that we take the Piecemaker
Aim it at his door and then
Knock eight times and when he answers
The Hogfather will be no more!

You’re so stupid, think now
If we blow him up to smithereens
He’ll be in lots of pieces,
And Lord Downey, he will be so mean!

Hello. My name is Tay-uh-tie-may. I don’t like it when people call me…teatime. I am an Assassin from the Ankh-Morpork Guild of Assassins. And I’ve been sent on a very important mission, sir, which I will complete. With elegance guaranteed. I don’t have any enemies, but I don’t have many friends. Don’t seem to have the…knack. Maybe you can be my friend—but only if you prove yourself to be as clever and as elegant as I am.

One Hogswatch when I was a child, I stayed up all night waiting for the Hogfather. And as I waited, I figured out a way to kill him. Just as a hobby, though. I’m wondering if you can come up with a plan like I did—a plan to eliminate a “make-believe” creature or person.

Description De-Teatime’d:
Take a fictional character/creature/what-have-you and come up with a clever way to kill that character. Be as malicious as you like—remember, Teatime is the judge, and he’s the animal-lover who nailed a dog to the wall because it was being noisy. He’s sort of a sociopath that way. He's an Assassin and the mad one everyone's scared of. Doesn't know the difference between throwing stones at a cat and setting it on fire, the one who looks up dolls' dresses (I didn't!!), the mad kid all the other kids don't want to play with. He's an orphan...whose parents died under mysterious circumstances.

Starts: Noon PST, Tuesday December 21st (1pm MST, 2pm CST, 3pm EST)
Ends: Noon PST, Thursday January 6th (1pm MST, 2pm CST, 3pm EST)

Slay Bells Ring, Are You List’nin’?
Username: Scaramouche Fandango
Fictional Character: Ever since I was a wee lass, a few things didn’t sit right with me. Santa Claus. Porcelain dolls. Clowns. But there was this one thing- this one thing on televison- that bothered me more than anything else. I never watched the show meself; I always watched nature programs. But day in and day out, my sister would watch him... glued to the screen... laughing like a loon with a blank expression on her face... And he hypnotized millions of children. Still does. He must be stopped. Barney the Dinosaur, I’m looking at you!
The Plan: First, his minions must be taken out. There’s the group of children, but they’re easily dealt with. Barney’s show takes place in an elementary school, so what I’ll do first is pull the fire alarm. That’ll create a diversion AND they’ll have to leave their toys inside, which will separate them from me and the three dinosaurs. After that, I’ll kill the lights. I’ll have a pair of night-vision goggles for assistance. It won’t give me a perfect advantage, seeing as how dinosaurs have excellent senses of smell, but it’ll help. Then there’s Baby Bop and BJ to contend with. These two are both plant eaters, so it’s their bulk I’ll have to worry about, not their bite. BJ’ll be easy; those shoes of his are large and clownish, as is his hat. I’ll pull his hat over his eyes, tie his shoelaces together, and shove him in the art closet. Baby Bop will be a little harder; she’s closer to the purple fiend. Her downfall will come from her vanity; if there’s one thing I’ve learned about huge fake eyelashes, it’s that they hurt like hell when pulled off. So while she’s confused and looking for her brother, I’ll jump on her from behind and rip them off. While she’s staggering about in pain, I’ll kick her into the art closet as well, then use that blanket of hers to tie the door securely. After that, I’ll move in for the big guy. Judging from his general shape, it’s assumed that Barney is a T. rex. If Jurassic Park taught me anything, it’s that T. rex’s vision is based on movement. So I’ll wait for him to come to me. Then I’ll pounce. If there’s one thing Barney likes, it’s a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, and a good assassin has style. So he’ll get a hug- a hug right around the neck. Once he’s been sufficiently throttled to the point where he’s no longer resisting, I’ll give him a great big kiss between the eyes, then drag him off to the waiting van. Once that’s done, I’ll make good on that fire alarm and torch the school.

Barney is a menace, and the world deserves to see that he gets the death he deserves! I’ll have arranged a storage unit in the part of town that doesn’t ask questions, and I’ll take him there, where I’ll have a camera set up. For funsies, I’ll have Baby Bop’s blankie with me for the psychological torture of it. Barney will be strapped securely to a chair, where I’ll take him apart bit by bit. Now, on the TV show, Barney had this thing called a Barney Bag. It’s a ridiculous looking carpetbag that he used at craft time. Thing even had a ridiculous song-

Well, I've been looking in my Barney Bag,
And I found a lot of things,
Gizmos and gadgets, and odds and ends,
And even some old strings...

What I’ll have is my own Barney Bag, with its own song:

Well, I've been looking in my Barney Bag,
And I found a lot of things,
Hacksaws and scorpions, and poison and gas,
And even some piano strings...

Ever see the game of Operation? Yeah, that’s about what I’ll do to him. All on film, of course, so the world can see what happens to monsters. I’ll continue to hum the song as I move in on him with blow torches, piano wire, hammers and nails, and basically all the techniques I’ve seen Sayid Jarrah and Jack Bauer use. Then when I’m good and done, I’ll change my tune to the little ditty “Barney’s on Fire,” douse him in kerosene, and, cameras secured, set fire to the place.

I’m certain I’ll be hailed as a heroine.

Need any extra supplies? Night vision goggles, piano wire, pliers, hammers, nails, lots of gasoline and kerosene, matches, a blow torch, scissors, old rusty surgical implements, a video camera or two
What color are you wearing, young man/woman/individual?! Black... under the drab greens and greys I’ll need to blend in to infiltrate the school. I’ll be taking my cues from Lord Vetrinari’s Assassin’s Guild days there.