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 Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:04 am
Blood gently covered my blade,
The rage began to burn
my blade becomes of fire
my wings brust my into flight
I kill the unholy, I end the evil before it begins.
But you.... you are a child.
How are you evil?
I act without care, without thinking
the child's life is ended, my tears began to flow
How is this holy?
I've lost my wings, I' am hunted
I' am a fallen angel, now my mind is clear
I've broken from the darkness of "holy" work.
My soul may be dammed, my body maybe lost
But my mind is clear, my heart is at easy
I' am free.
(not the best of my work i just really like it)
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 4:03 pm
The very beginning is attention capturing simply because of the vivid images I got. After that it doesn't quite live up to the start. With this the flow is a little more lenient, so there isn't much worry there. The ending isn't quite clear and if there was a hidden meaning, I couldn't tell. It didn't have that cryptic feel, though it appears that you tried.
So I think you should better define somethings, give much more visualization to follow up with your first line. Use capitaliztion and the right punctuation. Use more poetic words, which will have more impact.
It has potential. Just work at it, put it down for a while, like a week or so, pick it back up and fix it. repeat until satisfied, and I'm sure it'll grow to be a great poem. ^^
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 7:15 pm
Serieve The very beginning is attention capturing simply because of the vivid images I got. After that it doesn't quite live up to the start. With this the flow is a little more lenient, so there isn't much worry there. The ending isn't quite clear and if there was a hidden meaning, I couldn't tell. It didn't have that cryptic feel, though it appears that you tried. So I think you should better define somethings, give much more visualization to follow up with your first line. Use capitaliztion and the right punctuation. Use more poetic words, which will have more impact. It has potential. Just work at it, put it down for a while, like a week or so, pick it back up and fix it. repeat until satisfied, and I'm sure it'll grow to be a great poem. ^^ thank you kindly
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Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2005 4:00 am
krellxxt Blood gently covered my blade, The rage began to burn my blade becomes of fire my wings brust my into flight I kill the unholy, I end the evil before it begins. But you.... you are a child. How are you evil? I act without care, without thinking the child's life is ended, my tears began to flow How is this holy? I've lost my wings, I' am hunted I' am a fallen angel, now my mind is clear I've broken from the darkness of "holy" work. My soul may be dammed, my body maybe lost But my mind is clear, my heart is at easy I' am free. (not the best of my work i just really like it) the beginning, as was stated, hits hard with visuals. I like the idea of a childs death. you may want to reword a couple of points to make it a bit more "poetic," but it definitely has the potential to be an amazing poem. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 9:30 am
Thank you, I will pick it up again somtime and re-read it prefect
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Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 5:09 pm
Very good beginning, and then the death of the child and the regret of it really touched me. My one complaint is how the poem seems to slow down the further you get and the rhythm seems to change. The ending could also be a bit more powerful, but I think it would also be fine if unchanged. Good job!
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Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:00 pm
thank you thank you smile
I will try to re do the ending...
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Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 5:57 am
I liked the imagery in the first stanz. The crossing of something seen as inocent(the child) and evil was a good combination. And endding it with a hard release was good. Keep tinkering with it, and it will be really good.
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Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 10:52 am
thank you thank you! I will have to rewrite the poem a few times
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Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 4:20 pm
Yeah, rewriting it would do it a lot of good, but I can't really say much else cause I absolutely can't write poetry. crying But I like to read it.
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 9:37 am
thank you? um i deeply enjoy writing, I posted the other v of it already i don't know if it is much better. Just poke around you'll find it.
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