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| good or bad? |
| very bad.... |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| very good! |
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57% |
[ 4 ] |
| just bad |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| just good! |
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42% |
[ 3 ] |
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| Total Votes : 7 |
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 Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:23 am
My son's soft tears fill his eyes, he teared for the lost of his sister, and with her my mind.
His tears, his sorrow, scared my mind.
The blade covered in crisom red, lay still in my hand.
It's razor sharpe kiss stopped his weeping, ended his sorrow.
The crisom red that flowed sealed my mind, covering the pain.
My wife's tears fill her hands, her sorrow cut deep into my mind.
The blade now covered in the bitter sweet blood of my love, lay still in my hand.
It's kiss ended her sorrow sealing the broken darkness of my mind.
I've heal their pain, I' am not evil.
My tears are blood, why?
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 4:09 pm
Here again, you have an excellent visual and a poem with lots of potential. It has the feeling of watching a movie with excellent pictures and colors and images, but no sound. It's a good effect, like watching everything through the eyes of someone who is completely apathetic. But still it can definately improve. Use more form, give it more flow, make it more like poetry. Build up the images so that the end will have a punch to it. Then there's just the basics, and the same advice I've said over and over. Put it down, wait, pick it up, revise, repeat until satisfied. Edit: OH! And the ending, ^ This would have so much more impact if you just made that comma into a period. I'm serious, just a little thing like that will give it a pause, and then the effect of being hit. The way you have it, it's just like an added question, like sewing two beautiful pieces of cloth together to make a not-so-beautiful cloth. Let them be apart, so they can shine in their beauty alone!!!
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 4:19 pm
Very deep, it has a lot of potential. Though it could use some twicking, I liked it.
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2005 7:13 pm
Serieve Here again, you have an excellent visual and a poem with lots of potential. It has the feeling of watching a movie with excellent pictures and colors and images, but no sound. It's a good effect, like watching everything through the eyes of someone who is completely apathetic. But still it can definately improve. Use more form, give it more flow, make it more like poetry. Build up the images so that the end will have a punch to it. Then there's just the basics, and the same advice I've said over and over. Put it down, wait, pick it up, revise, repeat until satisfied. Edit: OH! And the ending, ^ This would have so much more impact if you just made that comma into a period. I'm serious, just a little thing like that will give it a pause, and then the effect of being hit. The way you have it, it's just like an added question, like sewing two beautiful pieces of cloth together to make a not-so-beautiful cloth. Let them be apart, so they can shine in their beauty alone!!! "alright i will redo it over and over, thank you"
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Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 8:46 am
Great imagery used, but it felt more like a short story than a poem, mostly because of the format you wrote it in. Still, one could tell it was a poem, and as I said before, the imagery is great. Keep up the good work!
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Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 9:24 am
Cereah Great imagery used, but it felt more like a short story than a poem, mostly because of the format you wrote it in. Still, one could tell it was a poem, and as I said before, the imagery is great. Keep up the good work! "thank you for the kind words, i hope to see some of your work too smile "
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