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 Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 5:27 pm
Again i'll put it in parts like the last time, because this is 3 pages, single spaced. The year the writing is in is somewhere around oh, 2300 or later. (i'm still figuring this snag out as well) It's science fiction, and, oh yeah.. there's some gore, violence, and foul broken language. Anyways. on with the show as they say. Oh yeah.. standard issue, Copy write is to me, Jesse allen, please do not repost, copy or use without written permission. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ • The following is an excerpt from Leon Versch's Autobiography “Hard Times: A Mercenary's Life.” Strange things and horrors faced Mercenaries see a lot of unusual things; just ask any one of us. Trust me, after thirty-five years I've seen it all. From smuggling alien pets; tracking, eliminating or capturing a target, to even non-commissioned rescues. Though not many Merc's go out of their way for non-com jobs. For the most part you get used to it all, from the carnage of battle to the bizarreness of some alien creatures wanted as pets. Unfortunately, there is always something so horrific or odd that it'll stick with you. For me it was a non-com rescue that still haunts me. I was thirty then, with thirteen years of experience under my belt. I've done good fo myself and had my first custom-built ship, instead of a modified one. I was passing the Eagle Nebulae region of space after getting a Talriskan Plasma Cannon installed when I intercepted an all channel distress signal just as I was about to jump. The message was garbled and cut off abruptly, which told me that it must be a pirate attack. I disengaged my jump drive and banked starboard and up towards the signals location. I readied my weapons for the dog fight I was heading into. As soon as I got within sensor range I had five fighters, about a third the size of my ship, coming at me with guns blazing. I could see their frigate docked to a cruise liner that had smoke coming out of two of it's three impulse engines. I didn't like the thought of what the pirates were doing, but couldn't dwell on it for I was focused on dealing with the fighters. I maneuvered into a hasty barrel roll to the port side in an attempt to try and avoid the combined assault on me. I cringed as I heard the tell-tale sound of metal straining from being hit by their slugs. I locked onto the first target I saw, which was a duel-engine Sabrehawk with four auto-cannons and four missiles peeking out from the wing's fuselage. I fired and my larger auto-cannon shells shredded the single occupant cockpit apart. The wings were sent flying in separate directions before their engines sputtered out. I nearly collided with one as I banked port side to target my next opponent. I heard my ship's alarm clanging off in warning of an incoming missile. I tried to dive down to avoid it but still got hit, shaking my bulkheads an making the hull plating groan. I had been knocked out of my chair from the blast and had to scramble back up as the collision warning chimed.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 5:28 pm
More, I'm already seeing a pattern of AS in the beginning of a sentence.
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As I regained control of my ship I cursed my luck, for as I narrowly dodged a collision with the outdated military fighter I caught a glimpse of a Feralkin's skull impaled on an archaic sword. I've seen a symbol similar to that, but that one had a Valduran skull also impaled, with human hands clasping the hilts at the top of each skull. Those who used that symbol weren't a friendly bunch.
If I was right about which pirate group I'm against I didn't like the thought of them getting reinforcements. I followed the fighter I nearly crashed into and fired a missile of my own, which hit and blew up his engine. I used the explosion to cover my plan of attack and went after their frigate, which was still docked by the colossal cruise liner. I figured by attacking their frigate there willn't be a long drawn out dogfight with the fighters. I charged up my plasma cannon and targeted their engines and fired.
I thought for a second something went wrong as all the lights flickered and dimmed, but when I looked at my view port I couldn't believe my eyes. The frigate was knocked off of its mooring and drifted sluggishly away. I could see a hole in its starboard side the size of two fighters seen from above lined up from stern to aft. I smiled as I saw them limping their nearly destroyed ship away from me. They moved so slowly because only one of their three starboard engines was utterly destroyed and the top one of the set of three was sputtering in its death throes.
I didn't have time to gloat or be amazed by that cannon's strength, for the remaining three fighters had caught up to me and were attacking with renewed vigor. The clangs and groans of impacted metal was all I heard as I banked around and swerved in my attempt to shake them off. I heard an explosion above and behind me, knocking me out of the chair again from the shock wave. This time I had expected it and recovered easily from it. When I checked my weapons panel I was dismayed to see that, according to the grayed out reading on the panel, that the Talriskan Plasma cannon was off line. I hoped that it was just damaged and not destroyed because it cost nearly seventeen thousand credits. I finished my turn and shot off the port wing of the first fighter in sight, sending the b*****d into a tail spin and crashing into another fighter.
As the explosion faded I realized the last fighter had slipped away, which was fine by me. I headed towards the huge, drifting and damaged cruise ship. I wanted to get a better look at the damage and find its name so I had given it a once over. On the port side I had found its name, stenciled in big blocky neon white letters. Besides the damage to the Mary Celeste's engines I found debris of several small ships that I feared were life boats at one time. The rest of the ships outside seemed intact, save for a few dents and blasted holes in the number three engineering crew area. I had also gained knowledge of what they meant to do to the ship from the survey. They didn't mean to loot the ship, they meant to steal it and to modify it into a new battle cruiser.. I knew time was short to save any who were still inside from the crew that was abandoned and the possible reinforcements, so I headed to the emergency hatch on the starboard side and docked.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 5:30 pm
Third part of four that I've got so far
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As my airlock opened I had jumped away from a bloodied, dark skinned human corpse falling into my ship. I choked back the reflex to hurl as I stared down at the now faceless man. Those bastards had clean smashed his skull in and then cut up his tan polo shirt as they stabbed him and had divested him of all valuables. By the look of his fists, he had put up a considerable fight at least, for he had cuts on his knuckles from punching a few heads. I kicked it back into the corridor in disgust and stepped inside, holding my Fenris autogun at the ready as my eyes swept both sides of the hall. The stench of death was pervaded the air so thick that I could taste the twang of copper with each breath. The once lush beige carpet and well decorated amber halls were stained with splatters and pools of blood, making it look like the ship had become diseased. Bodies of men and women lay haplessly along the corridors, some still twitched in the throes of death while others started to turn blue and stiffen up.
I cautiously moved deeper into the ship, diverting my gaze from the dead who lay around me, I knew that these were hard workers and entrepreneurs, family and friends to someone, who would be dearly missed. I slowed as I heard someone talking around the corner, and peaked over to see not one but two dirty urchins picking through the dead bodies for loot. The one closest to me was short and fat, but obviously not someone to mess with. He had several daggers on him, as well as a huge autocannon strapped to his back, blending in with his black coat. The other one was tall and lean, sickly almost in his appearance, with grease caked onto his face as he looked around for the next body to pillage. He had a old pistol in his hand as he looked around, and he must have caught me peeking around the corner for he had shouted out.
“'Ey, Dingo it seems we 'ave a visitor. You tat b*****d who interrupted our plans? I's reckon you is, I do. Lookit tat nice autogun of 'is, Dingo!”
He raised the pistol and fired before the fat one could reply. I ducked just in time as the bullet grazed my trench coat’s shoulder flap. I gagged for a second as I looked down at a dead, seven year old, child's face, contorted and frozen in a everlasting, soundless scream of pain and fear. I heard the other one getting to his feet and dove across the entrance to the hall way, firing at the pair. I took a slug to my right thigh, as I scored five hits to the big guys chest. I winced from the pain and staggered to the side from the force, making the other two shots miss his chest and ricochet off the wall into the ceiling. Even with the five shots, the short guy fell down, making the tall one curse at me. I didn't care; I was going to make them pay for killing not just innocents, but children too. As I landed and rolled over a male, Feralkin mouse's corpse I heard the tall one running to the corner to fire at me while I was on my side. I threw the diminutive corpse at the corridor's entrance, sending the man sprawling onto the ground as it hit him dead on in the face.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 5:32 pm
last bit, rather short
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“Ugh! You t'rew a fooking filthy Feralkin at me?! I 'ate t'ose good fer nut'ing abb.. ab.. gah, t'ose stinking freaks of science!”
Even through the lanky pirate's broken speech I understood one thing I didn't want to hear. Now I was certain I was up against the Marauder pirate gang. They were the most despicable and ruthless gang of the whole bunch of low lives. At least I had an explanation for the senseless massacre on board, but I didn't like the thought of having to fight eighteen or more of these guys. The grunt threw the Feralkin at me in disgust, making me dodge and lose sight of him for a second. Next thing I know I'm pushed up against the bulkhead with a gun muzzle held right up against my temple, and the thug laughed.
“Yous gonna die now, b*****d. You killed my mate, Dingo, now I's gonna pay yous back fer 'im.”
His breath and body stunk just as bad as the stench of death that now pervaded the cruiser, I was close to throwing up from the combined stench, and decided to let it go. The guy freaked as I wretched right onto his arm and leg. He let me go and jumped back from the surprise, which was enough time for me to thrust my fist into his throat. As I hit his flesh I pressed a release button on my trench coats lapel, sending out the tiny three inch blade that was also hidden in the coat into his throat. He gurgled and stumbled away as he grabbed frantically at his throat to dislodge the blade.
I spat on his corpse, and kicked it aside in disgust. I knew now that I had to find as many survivors as I could, and get out of there.
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This is where I then lost my way. with the whole issue that I've posted about repeatedly..
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:09 pm
I'll post updates here from now on. Anyways. So i've had another friend read it, and they've had friends who've been raped. Which made her not really like the idea of a rape scene (which is echoing why I don't like the idea) But they gave me and idea for an alternate way to sow anger and disgust for the pirates in my MC's and Readers view. I can't belief I didn't think of it before. Instead of rape, I could have them having fun torturing, tormenting and overall being cruel and evil towards the Anthro race (the feralkin) that is in my story. To those who were leery about the rape scene but feel it's needed as well, do you think more gore, brutality and swearing would be more acceptable then the sexual violation that I was going to have in the story? oh, and discussion, ideas, constructive criticism is all welcome here!
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:43 pm
I think it should be in there. It fits the situation. And i think it really would show just how sick they are.
also... corpses only get pale or turn a very light marbled green. depending on how long theve been dead though, all of their blood will settle to the part that is closest to the floor. so half of their bodies { if dead for 30 min or so}would be coagulating blood colored. { forensics class. we know how to identify dead bodies. -_- }
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 7:52 pm
Shilshadu I think it should be in there. It fits the situation. And i think it really would show just how sick they are.
also... corpses only get pale or turn a very light marbled green. depending on how long theve been dead though, all of their blood will settle to the part that is closest to the floor. so half of their bodies { if dead for 30 min or so}would be coagulating blood colored. { forensics class. we know how to identify dead bodies. -_- } You're taking a forensics class? Wow. I admit, i don't know the whole thing of how a body would react. I'm sure I'm weak there most definite. I also noticed I had a huge error.l on the last post. The button on his trenchcoat's lapel is what shot out the dagger.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 7:55 pm
sartol Shilshadu I think it should be in there. It fits the situation. And i think it really would show just how sick they are.
also... corpses only get pale or turn a very light marbled green. depending on how long theve been dead though, all of their blood will settle to the part that is closest to the floor. so half of their bodies { if dead for 30 min or so}would be coagulating blood colored. { forensics class. we know how to identify dead bodies. -_- } You're taking a forensics class? Wow. I admit, i don't know the whole thing of how a body would react. I'm sure I'm weak there most definite. I also noticed I had a huge error.l on the last post. The button on his trenchcoat's lapel is what shot out the dagger.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:03 pm
Shilshadu yep. I love it. I like anything science related xD then again, it's mostly chemistry and knowledge of how things work in the world... how to tell what people died of... like csi! xDD And i'll help you with that if you want. but like... since i started forensics, any time i see a story describing a body incorrectly... kinda gets to me. My teacher actually has us correct police reports xD you're becoming a.. forensic snob? Something like that.But yeah, mostly they're all killed by bullets (aka, the autogun and cannons that I'm talking about, they don't got technology yet for mercenaries and public that is beyond really high powered projectile bullet guns. guns. But now you see why I'm stuck in a pickle. because it (the rape/rescue scene) DOES fit in there. it's going about it that's tricky.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:11 pm
sartol Shilshadu yep. I love it. I like anything science related xD then again, it's mostly chemistry and knowledge of how things work in the world... how to tell what people died of... like csi! xDD And i'll help you with that if you want. but like... since i started forensics, any time i see a story describing a body incorrectly... kinda gets to me. My teacher actually has us correct police reports xD you're becoming a.. forensic snob? Something like that.But yeah, mostly they're all killed by bullets (aka, the autogun and cannons that I'm talking about, they don't got technology yet for mercenaries and public that is beyond really high powered projectile bullet guns. guns. But now you see why I'm stuck in a pickle. because it (the rape/rescue scene) DOES fit in there. it's going about it that's tricky.
And no... it's simply useful info.
and i don't know what advice to give here, Jesse.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:26 pm
Yeah.. I know.. it's a ******** pain in the a** to have it in there while keeping it literately tactful (not smut)
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:32 pm
sartol Yeah.. I know.. it's a ******** pain in the a** to have it in there while keeping it literately tactful (not smut)
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:33 pm
Shilshadu sartol Yeah.. I know.. it's a ******** pain in the a** to have it in there while keeping it literately tactful (not smut) I know.. I walk a thing and very tight tight rope with that scene.
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:42 am
This is a very interesting story here. I think you should try writing out the rape scenario as well as the other scenario you have been playing along with. You can pick from there which would fit best.
I however do think that the rape scenario would fit best. It would help make the reader hate the pirates more and cause us to love the mercenary more since he is avenging the innocents.
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 3:09 pm
I finally got a chance to read it. whee I liked it and would love to read more. sartol The following is an excerpt from Leon Versch's Autobiography “Hard Times: A Mercenary's Life.” Is there more to this? Is it in the middle of a book or is this the beginning of a short story? I saw a few places where you could clean up a sentence or two to make it more clear but I know you haven't gone over it with a fine-tooth comb, so that's all irrelevant. I agree with Shadu and APC, I think you need the rape scene. Right now the pirate's are robbing murderers who can't speak properly. Terrible, but you don't really feel any hate for them. As a reader I don't feel any sympathy for the corpses since they aren't "real" people to me, just bodies. The women that the pirate's will be raping, their screams and the fear on their faces, etc. will make them "real" and make the reader feel sympathy. From that sympathy for the victims you get the hate for the pirates. I think the most tasteful way to write it, would be to keep with how you have been writing it, from the first person perspective. Just writing the things he sees and the disgust he feels.
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