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The_Scarlet_Lark

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Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2011 8:14 pm

Hullo. I have decided that I wish to offer a constructive critique on any work who's authors would like one privately. Should you wish to have a private constructive critique, please pm me your work. I will help you make it better (if it needs to be), fix grammar (should it need fixing), and fix anything else that needs fixing to the best of my ability. I look forward to reading some work!

Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 4:00 pm

(This idea i got from the appearance of my avatar)

There is a mysterious man in black. He carries a shadow black sketchbook in his pearl white gloves. His eyes are as red as blood from the victum of a vampire. His Glasses have a hazzy tint. His hair is silver. the rest of his outfit is the same, coal black. He wakes not knowing his past, except one memory, for his memories were torn out of his sketchbook. The one memory he has, the only one not found by the perpetraitor, is of the three baby garlics (refuring to zOMG!) he found and decided to raise. This sketch can only be revealed by his touch, non other. He uses a spell seal he found in his poket, thus entering his memory. He finds the three baby garlics, and something more. There is an unknown beast that guards his memory. (I couldn't think of a beast description at the moment) He runs from the beast and is maliciently attacked. he conveniately Finds a jagged spear of stone. he tries his best at dodgeing its furrious attacks, and got more closer on getting hit every time. He finally lifted the spear and pointed it at the beast. The beast, in reaction, smacked it out of his hand. it shattered alittle further from him. Now on the ground, terrified, he slowly backs up as it slowly closes in on him. On the last few secounds, he realized that there, behind him, where the stone spear lay, is a sword of magnificence. It had a gold color, with a coppery finish, filled with an unknown metal, a cloth cover handle, and a stain of its ancientness. just as the beast goes and pounces on him, he turns around and swings the sword, thus slicing it in two. it vanishis like a ghost in the light. He gets up proud that he could defeat the beast. He then goes over to the baby garlics he so remembers. He gets glimpse of a shinning object on one of the garlics heads. A krystal. He notices a slot on his sword next to the ancient writting he can't decifer. When he puts it in the slot, a bright purple beam comes from the sky and strikes him down. He soon apears at the next area where he can find more memories to collect with his new trusty sword, his sketchbook, and all the help he can get in all of gaia. The baby garlics will also be acompanying him on this journy. smile so that's all i have right now.

dgr8wolf

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The_Scarlet_Lark

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Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 12:25 pm

dgr8wolf

(This idea i got from the appearance of my avatar)

There is a mysterious man in black. He carries a shadow black sketchbook in his pearl white gloves. His eyes are as red as blood from the victum of a vampire. His Glasses have a hazzy tint. His hair is silver. the rest of his outfit is the same, coal black. He wakes not knowing his past, except one memory, for his memories were torn out of his sketchbook. The one memory he has, the only one not found by the perpetraitor, is of the three baby garlics (refuring to zOMG!) he found and decided to raise. This sketch can only be revealed by his touch, non other. He uses a spell seal he found in his poket, thus entering his memory. He finds the three baby garlics, and something more. There is an unknown beast that guards his memory. (I couldn't think of a beast description at the moment) He runs from the beast and is maliciently attacked. he conveniately Finds a jagged spear of stone. he tries his best at dodgeing its furrious attacks, and got more closer on getting hit every time. He finally lifted the spear and pointed it at the beast. The beast, in reaction, smacked it out of his hand. it shattered alittle further from him. Now on the ground, terrified, he slowly backs up as it slowly closes in on him. On the last few secounds, he realized that there, behind him, where the stone spear lay, is a sword of magnificence. It had a gold color, with a coppery finish, filled with an unknown metal, a cloth cover handle, and a stain of its ancientness. just as the beast goes and pounces on him, he turns around and swings the sword, thus slicing it in two. it vanishis like a ghost in the light. He gets up proud that he could defeat the beast. He then goes over to the baby garlics he so remembers. He gets glimpse of a shinning object on one of the garlics heads. A krystal. He notices a slot on his sword next to the ancient writting he can't decifer. When he puts it in the slot, a bright purple beam comes from the sky and strikes him down. He soon apears at the next area where he can find more memories to collect with his new trusty sword, his sketchbook, and all the help he can get in all of gaia. The baby garlics will also be acompanying him on this journy. smile so that's all i have right now.

Okeydokes. I think this would make for a strong descriptive piece with some adjustments. You will notice the words I have bolded are misspell, and I would suggest spell-check (I keep the mozilla firefox plugin handy) when you write pieces.

Also your thoughts seem to be a little disorganized and very summarized. Take your time when you write and explore each idea for a plot or storyline thoroughly. The areas I italicized are things that you should express in your writing and not add in the story. It can distract the reader. If you need to express that your story relates some elements of a story/game already known then I suggest a separate section dedicated to that purpose. As far as not being able to describe something, set aside the piece and think of the monster you wish to describe as if it were an actual beast, then describe it. If you can't think of something at that moment, it'll be alright, just hold off on submitting the piece (unless it is an English assignment. I learned that teachers don't appreciate the unholy thing known as the "writer's block" as an excuse for why the poem was not handed in).

Where I have marked green, I would like to say that these were sentences that added positive marks to your piece.

Rhythm is also important to keep in mind when you write a piece. In the beginning your sentences are choppy and short, while many of them could be condensed and explored upon. What is the length of his hair? What is his outfit? A suit? Or more casual attire? For the fight scene as well, the rhythm was confusing. The setting also would have been a nice addition to the piece.

The dark red sentence was highlighted because I want to stress the importance of keeping the story and any author's comments separate (although, comments I suggest keeping short, your writing should convey all that you want it to)

I encourage that you keep writing and improving, there is potential for great things to come of your writing. I hope that this has helped your self expansion as a writer.

Welcome to Gaia! ::

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