|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 2:35 am
Okay, so I'm writing up a story entitled To He who Spreads His Wings. The story is in first person point of view.
This is what I've written so far:
---
Your seat was nearest to the window, and you would often look at the outside world with eyes that never told anyone what was on your mind.
And I would be seated two chairs behind you, thinking, what do you oftentimes think on sunny days like these?
The teacher rambles on, but you would pay no heed. I, however, look to where Mrs. Gambles was, and, as discreetly as possible, catch a glimpse of you from time to time. Your gaze never averted from the wonders of the outside
At last, the school bell rings. Wordlessly, you stood up with the rest of the class and let your feet guide you to the hallways and into your next destination—all the while keeping those emotionless brown eyes.
--
My question is: which is more... appropriate to use--you or he?
... and if you have some comments and suggestions on how to improve what I've written so far, feel free to voice them out. Constructive criticism is also welcome.
smile
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:29 pm
Hmm. I personally think you should use "he", as that ensures that the reader will know the gender of the character who the narrator is addressing. If you were to use "you", then it would be less obvious and allow the reader a bit too much freedom in envisioning your character and, possibly, the tone of the piece.
Also, being the prose and detail addict that I am, I would like to see a tiny bit more description in the writing. What is the scenery that the character is observing like? What about the school? The train? And what does this (apparently) very pensive character look like?
I realize that you might have not gotten to these descriptions yet, however I am just stating my opinion. You are entirely free to ignore me completely.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 11:44 pm
Thank you very much for voicing out your opinion, Exarielle BlackLaw! Hmm... I see... when I'll start editing this piece, I'll try to take note of that. biggrin
Again, thanks a lot!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 3:14 pm
You're very welcome, Lisiana. ^^ I'm glad I could contribute and help you improve this piece. And thank you for sharing your work, 'tis most lovely~
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:27 am
if you use 'he' as the pronoun I think it sounds too... average, plain, predictable.... but it is definatly a very safe road to use.
Using 'you' can add an attractive amount of ambiguity. It also lets you get away with attempting a starker more poetic look. Yes you need description, but going this route could help you keep it out of the realm of purple-ness/uselessness but still make it pretty/modern. The readers imagination is powerful and vast this being said you want them to follow the story but you do NOT want to constrict them. Leaving room for questions can also leave room for surprises and general fun for writer and reader.
It really just depends on what your goal is for the story. :3
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
