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 Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:32 am
Strands of dark hair had fallen over amber colored eyes, a heavy sigh escaped the young adult, as the wind decided to become stronger. It was going to rain soon, thunder roared in the distance as droplets of water fell from the heavens. To the female, it was another typical day. Sodden black converse shoes fell in rhythm to the rivets of water falling over her eyes. It was apparent that her so called mother had forgotten to pick her up from school, yet again, she did not find this surprising so to least.
With only a couple of weeks left of school, her mother thought that it was for the best that they moved half way across the country. An idea that she hated, but said nothing. Her mother's anger was something that she refused to trifle with. Another sigh and another booming roar. Indeed, this was normal, but the girl hated to walk home in a thunder storm. Being new to a school, that was due to be done with for summer vacation was closing in, did not have the perks. She knew no one, and did not voice an option of needing a ride from a fellow student. She thought her mother was picking her up from school, and thus decided on not to take a bus home.
With her hands tucked in within the warmth of her hoodie, the young adult began to drag her feet as she walked. At least her home was that of walking distance, though it was more than a block away from the school. Biting her pierced lip, she could not help but to wonder why her mother had forgotten to pick her up. She did not have any appointments, nor did she worked today. A sigh escaped her once more, she was getting use to them. Her phone went off, sending a shrill like noise, jarring her out of her thoughts, she was debating on whether or not to answer the annoying thing.
I know it's short and all, and I am not sure if I should continue this or not. Can you tell me what I need to do/fix?
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Posted: Fri May 06, 2011 4:03 pm
I hope this will help some:
"Strands of dark hair had fallen over amber colored eyes, a heavy sigh escaped [b}the young adult, as the wind decided to become stronger." This whole sentence is probably not needed at all. If you must have it for whatever reason at least change that piece in bold. It's ridiculous and awkward, you can establish general age in a better way. You used 'the young adult' more than once and once was more than enough, never mind how silly it looks to see it used so close together.
"To the female,..." Unless this is The Female from the comic 'The Boys' you should probably change it. Maybe it could pass if you use terms like that with consistency throughout the story.
"...so to least." you must mean 'in the least' or 'at all' Or something, because that I know of 'so to the least' is not how that's said.
I also notice that you have a distinct lack of contractions. Go back and change a few "did not"s to "didn't"s. I also have a problem with using contraction in my writing but I've worked at it fixing it. Why change it? People do not often talk with a complete lack of contractions unless English is not their first language, and if that's the case do try to make that clear and consistent. Having too little without a reason looks weird.
You also should take a look at your coma usage. I think you have too many or are putting them in the wrong place.
"Biting her pierced lip, she could not help but to wonder why her mother had forgotten to pick her up. She did not have any appointments, nor did she worked today." it would be ''nor had she worked' or "nor did she have work' Also those two sentences should be one, possibly with the use of a colon ( : ).
Little things like this this need fixing as well as editing out superfluous descriptions and purple-ness but you can worry about getting rid of the purple-ness after you finish it. Aside from things like what you mentioned I got into it and am even a little curious about where it's going.
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Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 6:29 am
Thank you, I actually loved your help. I'm thinking about how the girl wished for her family to be back together, she ends up metting these two witches who will give her o.ly one wish for exchange for her servitude.
She ends up doing the wish only to find out that she has to collect children for the two witches to stay young. She meets several others like her as well as meeting a little girl with no eyes and tells her about the two. Or so I hope it comes out the way I like.
Sorry about the late reply, work is taking up most of my free time. sweatdrop
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