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 Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:57 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:30 am
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The Bookwyrm Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 2:23 pm
The first thing I notice with this story, even mid way through the first paragraph, is that the flow is interrupted; it's too jerky. You need to use more commas for a brief pause, rather than periods and full stops:
Eg.Quote: She mumbled in her sleep as she rolled over onto her side , her shoulder length brown hair partly hiding her face. Aspen stretched out a leg as she let out a small groan , opening her eyes to find him missing. She let out a sigh of irritation as she stretched out a hand , reaching out to the empty place on the bed where Jake should have been. Quote: Aspen let a small smile touch her lips as she placed the note on his pillow. I miss you Jake, Aspen thought as she hugged the white rose to her chest
What is it about the story that isn't sitting right with you? Is there anything in particular, or is it just the story in general?
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Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 3:36 pm
just in general there is something bothering me.
But thank you both for your feedback. Now i can finally go back and rewrite the whole thing from scratch. Hopefully to make it into something more likeable and understanding ^^
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006 2:40 pm
I'm sorry to be coming into this late. I just got around to reading it and would like to throw in my two cents.
Queeny and Gypsy have done an amazing job giving you all the advise you need on the elements of grammar and style. So as far as that goes, I have nothing to add, except these two points:
In William Strunk's The Element's of Style he says to "omit needless words."
According to Stephen King in On Writing, the "2nd draft = 1st draft - 10%."
These books will change your life for the better.
Now, for the meat of the story.
We have the main character Aspen who awakes to find her lover missing. Through her reaction, we get a picture of how much she loves and misses him. I'm not interested in knowing how they met, why she loves him so much, or where he is right now. She wakes up, he's gone, she misses him. You got your point across. Good job. But there's too much here. I am sure you had a lot of ideas going through your head and you wanted to use them all. Unfortunately, you have to pick and choose carefully what works best. A "great idea" that hurts the flow of the story is not a great idea at all.
"Roses were a poor substitute, for the one you loved. But they could carry a beautiful message." I like this. I think it would be better if it were "Roses are a poor subtititue for the one you love - but they can carry a beautful message." The story may be told in past tense, but the message that the reader is supposed to get out this story is presented in the present tense. Maybe someone else disagrees, but thats how I see it.
And I'll conclude by saying that this message is definitely good stuff. This is the point that the story is all about, and you don't do too bad of a job of delivering it.
I'm like Queeny and I like some conflict. But I don't believe that some kind of conflict between Aspen and Jake is necessary, and it might even hurt the overall message of this story. Maybe the story has some overly sappy points, but I'll let my preference slide. The most important part of this story is the message, and that cannot be hurt.
Now go back and rewrite according to Queeny and Gypsy's points. They speak in infinite truth and wisdom. after all.
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