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Seriously honest to god can't handle this s**t anymore. It's about my father and how he has the nerve to go on and on about how his fweelings got hurt because I was pretty frank with him today - he breaks his promises about doing anything with his actual family so he can get online and chat with people he actually gives a s**t about. They're the people he's going to say hi to. Ask how they're doing. Give a crap about their answers.

Meanwhile, he's going to start macho whine fests with my asshat of a brother that increase my mother's stress levels to dangerous levels. He's going to completely ignore my existence like I'm not even alive. He's the one going to be perfectly content that he's the "breadwinner" so if he makes his daughter feel like she has no other option but to kill herself? Fine. I'm really not kidding here and I wish more than you'll all ever know that I was.

This man...he will never face any consequence for blaming me for most of my brother's illnesses.
This man will never face any consequence for telling me I was worthless.
This man will never face any consequence for ignoring the crap his mother was putting on me because he was too afraid of getting yelled at.
This man will never face any consequences for adding to the fire that was the bullshit my brother and cousin constantly threw at me, the hell that was school until I graduated, the constant nitpicking by his mother - all of that he screamed and screamed and blamed and blamed me for all of it.
He will never face any consequences for pushing me close enough to that edge.
Never for making me feel unsafe and ******** unwanted in my own home.

And I am continually told this man "loves me" that he "cares about me" and that I have to watch my tone. That I have to give a s**t when his poor fwellings are hurt.

I got through wanting to kill myself, all those damn dark thoughts on my own. No one even so much as had a single concerned word, a caring word, a sympathetic word. So I have a chip on my shoulder. I say it's pretty well EARNED, but then again, nothing I experience has any merit apparently.

I'm really struggling with why nothing I go through, nothing I feel, nothing I try is worth anything to this person who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Any...I don't know, perspective?

I have another year before I can conceivably move anywhere so getting out permanently isn't an option currently. Desperately searching for work, anything at all...nothing is popping up. Still trying.

If this is a bit too personal for you, I'll understand. I mostly just wanted to vent it out. Feel free to move/delete/whatever.

Thank you.
My dad is just frankly, an a*****e.
I'm just. Really tired of having to put up with it all =/