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Chapter 1
From the view of: Julie Pritchard
Commonly known info about Julie:She is 19 years old, 5ft tall, with sea green eyes and mousey brown hair. She is pleasant and bold but can be dull and is scared of flying.
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I can still remember that day.
I was at the internet cafe. It was in the center of town. I had been there finishing my French homework. The Internet Cafe was a place where I could do my homework while having fun and there wasn't my annoying life bugging me. It was a place where I could just blend in and be myself. That's where I saw her for the first time. Penny Flyn looked to be in her 50's. She was about the same height as me and she had muddy brown eyes and ginger hair.
The minute I saw her I was scared. I had seen her picture in the paper a little over a month ago and knew her as the kidnapper that had just gotten out of prison. I didn't think much of it at first because everybody was realised from prison at some point in their lives right?
Penny walked up to me and started talking to me. I didn't know what to do but we were in a crowded place so that reassured me a little. The Internet Cafe was a very popular hang out for the first year university students like me so it was always crowded. The thing that bothered me the most was that all of these people were so absorbed in their own lives that they didn't even realize that there was a kidnapper in their midst.
The more Penny talked the more I realized how vain Penny was. She enveyed her sisters beauty and her favourite topic was herself. That's when I looked at my watch. It was 1:00 in the afternoon and I figured that I should get going. Penny thought otherwise.
"Honey you have good taste in clothes." She said smiling. I thought about what I was wearing that day. I was wearing a pink hat and a pink t-shirt that tied at the bottom and I was wearing pink capris with a pink and silver belt. I was also wearing black flats. "Thanks." I answered uncertainly. What else was I supposed to say?
I walked out of the internet cafe and went out back to where they had a deck that was open to the public. Penny followed me. I sat on one of the chairs and Penny sat on the chair beside me. I didn't say anything.
I was usually very bold but suddenly it all leaked out of me and I was just so shy. I opened my laptop so I could keep working on my assignment for French. I pulled a French/English dictonairy out of my bag and began to work. I thought about what Penny had said about my clothes.
It was funny that she should say that my clothes looked nice considering what she was wearing. It was a strapless cream coloured dress that came just past Penny's knees and she had a strapless cream coloured shrug to go over top of it. It really looked nice on Penny but it was a little dressy for an internet cafe. Now that I thought about it I realized that it was this outfit that had drawn my attention to Penny in the first place. Was this how Penny dressed every time that she planned to kidnap somebody?
Suddenly there was a flash. I turned to look in the direction that the flash had come from. Penny was sitting in her chair with her camera in her hand. She had taken a picture of me.
I was suddenly very frightened especially since Penny was known to take a picture of her victim before she abducted them. Did this mean that I was next?
I decided to do as much research as possible on Penny Flynn because I suddenly felt the need to know as much as possible about her. I turned my laptop so that Penny couldn't see what I was doing and I typed in her name. What I saw next scared me very much. Nobody that had been captured by Penny Flynn had ever lived to tell the story. I flipped my laptop shut and pulled a mirror and a tube of lipstick out of my bag I applied some meanwhile looking back to see what Penny was doing. A shiver ran through my spine when I realized that she was staring at me.
I now felt very insecure. I knew that I wasn't safe and I wanted more then anything to scream but I knew that I couldn't give myself away.
Somebody flicked the television on and I pretended to be interested in it. I looked down at my outfit again. I made the sudden discision to never wear this outfit again.
I decided to walk home and as I began walking I heard a car start up behind me. I looked up on the deck and sure enough Penny was gone. That's when I lost it. I burst into a run and when I looked back the Ford Focus was almost right behind me. I ducked into someones yard and tucked myself away in their shed.
As my eyes adjusted to the dark I looked around the shed and I recognized it as the shed that used to belong to my Aunt. She had died about a month ago but as I thought about the house that was just outside of the shed I realized that it was the same house but it had been painted and it had a small addition put on.
This meant that I had the upper hand. Penny knew I was on this property somewhere but she didn't know where and she had no idea where she was going.
I looked around again and memories came flooding back to me. I felt so sad and that's when I backed up a few steps and hit the wall of the shed. The shelf above my head shook and a letter came floating down. It was in my Aunt's handwriting and it was adressed to me. I decided to open it when I got home because I couldn't risk not having my full attention on my surroundings. Penny could walk through the door at any time. I tucked the letter in the pocket of my capris.
My Aunt and I had been close and then when she died my Uncle moved because the house held too many memories for him. They were so devoted to each other that it only made me think of true love. That was the way that I wanted to be when I got married and had kids of my own.
I pulled out my wallet so I could figure out how much cash I had on me in case I couldn't make it home tonight. I had one hundred dollars and a credit card. It would be more then enough. I just had to spend the money wisely.

Yea sure. I guess I just wasn't thinking clear when I wrote this. Sorry. I'll fix it for you.

Ok. Let me know what you think when you do!

Thank you very much! I will take these thoughts into consideration and change a few things. I will let you know when I have changed it!

I noticed some spelling mistakes and some grammatical errors. I will type the problem area in red and write a suggestion on how to fix it.
And before you kick and scream, like most people would do when faced with that large amount of red text and me tearing your work apart, keep this in mind. When I edit something, I always treat it as my own work. Thus, I edit in such a harsh and nit-picky way, because I want to be sure that every method possible was used to make the story the best it can be.

The Internet Cafe was a place where I could do my homework while having fun, and there wasn't my annoying life bugging me.
-Might not be easy to see the comma I added, but it's there. Remember that commas can be your friend! smile They break up the long line of text and add a pause in the sentance to make it a little easier to read.

I didn't think much of it at first because everybody was realised from prison at some point in their lives right?
-released

Penny walked up to me and started talking to me.
-getting really picky here. I think that taking off the to me part would sound a little better, since you already said 'to me' in the sentance. (I tend to focus a lot on how the sentances sound, as well as spelling, so bear with me. haha)

The thing that bothered me the most, though was that all of these people were so absorbed in their own lives that they didn't even realize that there was a kidnapper in their midst.
-added it in there just as an option. You might not like it, and it isn't really needed, but I kinda like it in the sentance~

The more Penny talked the more I realized how vain Penny was.
-I would change the second Penny to she. Pronouns can also be your friend when used in the right places.

She enveyed her sister's beauty and her favourite topic was herself
-Apostrophe 'S' and Favorite is spelled wrong.

I was wearing a pink hat and a pink t-shirt that tied at the bottom and I was wearing pink capris with a pink and silver belt. I was also wearing black flats.
-There are three 'I was' in these two sentances. (a pet peave of mine)
-suggested version- I was wearing a pink hat and pink t-shirt that tied at the bottom, and pink capris with a pink and silver belt. On my feet were a pair of black flats.

I pulled a French/English dictonairy out of my bag and began to work. I thought about what Penny had said about my clothes.
- I didn't copy the whole paragraph, but keep in mind that every sentance in it started with 'I". There wasn't anything wrong with the other sentances, so I am just going to look at the two that I have here. Also, dictionary is spelled wrong.
-Suggested version- Thinking about what Penny had said about my cloths, I pulled a French/ English dictionary out of my bad and began to work.

It was a strapless cream coloured dress that came just past Penny's knees and she had a strapless cream coloured shrug to go over top of it. It really looked nice on Penny but it was a little dressy for an internet cafe.
-You use Penny a lot again, I suggest adding a few pronouns into the paragraph.
-Colored is spelled wrong
-Instead of 'and she had a' I would write either 'and a' or 'with a'

I decided to do as much research as possible on Penny Flynn because I suddenly felt the need to know as much as possible about her.
-repeated words
-suggested version- I decided to do some research on Penny Flynn, because suddenly I felt the need to know as much as possible about her.

I flipped my laptop shut and pulled a mirror and a tube of lipstick out of my bag I applied some meanwhile looking back to see what Penny was doing.
-Sentance was a little confusing
-suggested version- I flipped my laptop shut and pulled a mirror and tube of lipstick out of my bag. Applying some, I looked back to see what Penny was doing.
-Also, it might be a good idea to point out that she is looking at the mirror to see Penny, not physically turning around.

I now felt very insecure. I knew that I wasn't safe and I wanted more then anything to scream but I knew that I couldn't give myself away.
-Than, not then

I looked down at my outfit again. I made the sudden discision to never wear this outfit again.
-decision
-suggested version- Looking down at my outfit again, I made the sudden decision never to wear it again.

I ducked into someones yard and tucked myself away in their shed.
-someone’s

As my eyes adjusted to the dark I looked around the shed, I recognized it as the shed that used to belong to my Aunt. She had died about a month ago but as I thought about the house that was just outside of the shed I realized that it was the same house but it had been painted and it had a small addition put on.
-Again, repeating shed a lot in the whole paragraph

The shelf above my head shook and a letter came floating down. It was in my Aunt's handwriting and it was adressed to me.
-addressed

It would be more then enough.
-Than not then

Ok! And don't worry about it! I love constructive critisism. I'll post chapter 2 pretty soon once it is done and I'll make these smaller changes to chapter 1 gradually since doing to much editing and revising at one time attacks my sanity.

Alright and thank you so much for critiquing me. It really helps me as a writer.

Hmm, very interesting. I'm really intrigued now. smile

One thing that bothers me a bit, is that Marilyn seemed to be a little too trusting if the situation. I mean, for all that she knows, Julie is the kidnapper. She certainly was able to get Marilyn into a car alone with her without much effort.
Might want too adress that. Unless it is a part of Marilyn's character to be extremely trusting.

Another thing, how about you describe what the Adults were doing while Marilyn was playing with the bookmark. Were they saying anything, or were they just sitting there akwardly?

Also, describe the car that they are driving away in. Was it old and beat up, which tells the reader that Marilyn's familly is either a low income household or a middle class family.
Or is it fancier, which suggests that they are richer than most people.