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 Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2012 3:33 pm
This has been deleted due to an agreement with Amazon.
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Posted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 7:04 pm
(imma read this sooner or later)
i was just wondering why isnt there a sub forum for tragedy stories... sad i have an idea for that one
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Posted: Thu Jan 19, 2012 6:26 am
See the young man sitting in the old man's bar... Honestly, this was very interesting. I'm horrible at critiques, but I like to try. My only complaint, and of course it's all up to opinion, is that your protagonist seems slightly detached from the audience. While he's speaking in first person; I don't feel as if I'm in his head or right there. This was a very, very interesting beginning though and I look forward to reading any other chapters you may post. heart ...waiting for his turn to die.
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2012 12:14 pm
Actually, I'd say you have a pretty sharp eye for critiques. Yours was the exact same issue I had with it while I was writing. Hopefully that's not the case in later chapters (which I'll post one later today, I'm currently on chapter 16, but only the first couple are edited.)
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2012 12:15 pm
GhostlyMark (imma read this sooner or later) i was just wondering why isnt there a sub forum for tragedy stories... sad i have an idea for that one Oh, that's a pretty good idea. I'll talk to the captain about it.
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2012 1:37 pm
Gnomes-san GhostlyMark (imma read this sooner or later) i was just wondering why isnt there a sub forum for tragedy stories... sad i have an idea for that one Oh, that's a pretty good idea. I'll talk to the captain about it.
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Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:23 am
See the young man sitting in the old man's bar... New chapter! heart
[Also, thank you for the compliment. Very sweet of you to say.]
The first thing I'd like to comment on is my vast love for your description of the clearing. It was very vivid in my mind and so beautiful and breathtaking. Of course, the deeper verdant shade of thick mosses was a gorgeous line to start with.
One quick fix, I guess you'd call it. ...in a heartbeat the man's figure was erased, and the girl's began to seem to laugh gleefully. Before the extra apostrophe, I had to re-read to make sure there was only one girl.
I do so look forward to more chapters! This is a very, very interesting story and I'm chomping at the bit, nearly literally, to read more. biggrin The protagonist was much, much closer to me this time and it really helped me get immersed into this story. Thank you for sharing!
...waiting for his turn to die.
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Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2012 11:20 am
Jessa Hazel See the young man sitting in the old man's bar... New chapter! heart
[Also, thank you for the compliment. Very sweet of you to say.]
The first thing I'd like to comment on is my vast love for your description of the clearing. It was very vivid in my mind and so beautiful and breathtaking. Of course, the deeper verdant shade of thick mosses was a gorgeous line to start with.
One quick fix, I guess you'd call it. ...in a heartbeat the man's figure was erased, and the girl's began to seem to laugh gleefully. Before the extra apostrophe, I had to re-read to make sure there was only one girl.
...waiting for his turn to die. Oh, yes, I am a horrible proofreader. After a while, of reading the same lines over and over, they just kind of blur together... But thank you, I don't know why, but that clearing is such a vivid place in my mind (it actually showed up first in one of my short stories, which I think I posted here...) I've never seen anywhere like it or anything. Sometimes its very hard for me to describe exactly what I'm thinking of, but in this case I think it went rather well. Glad you're enjoying it so far, and I'll post the next one as soon as I edit it.
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:32 pm
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Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2012 1:50 pm
My mind is fuzzy right now, but it looks good so far! I will be back to read again later with a critique. I love this story. heart
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Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:30 am
Well, thank you smile
I'm almost done editing all of Part 1 (of 4, I think it will wind up being,) and will get more up soon.
Meanwhile, part 2 is going well.
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