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Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:55 pm
Hey folks! This here is my quest, feel free to give as much feedback as necessary! I haven't touched this in a while, and am going to be going through it again to make it good and better and all that jazz, so any comments you have would be delightful! (fancy stuff to come in a bit)
-The Grimm, Annantha- -The Plague, ???- -Other...things?- -More other things?-
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Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:56 pm
Name: Annantha Greyce Chandler Age: 15 Location: Gadu, Imisus Appearance: By no means is Annantha a stunning beauty. She is relatively short, standing in at slightly over five feet with some remaining child plumpness to her figure. Her skin is slightly tanned from working outdoors, and she has a scattering of freckles across her nose and on the back of her neck and shoulders. Her face is rather round, with a small chin, a small upturned nose, and large brown eyes. All of this is framed by her most noticeable feature, the veritable mane of thick, curly auburn hair that seems to float around her head and shoulders like a cloud. Her clothes are serviceable and plain, though in bright and eye-catching colors. She favors full skirts along with a short sleeved blouse and a vest. She is often seen wearing a pocketed apron over her skirt, the pockets bulging with small knick-knacks and tools useful for when she is working in the store. Personality:Annantha is not timid, that is certainly the first thing that people notice about her. She is not afraid to speak her mind and interject in conversations with sarcastic comments. Most of the time, especially around her friends, she tries to come off as a worldly person who knows everything there is to know about anything, and can at least convince them of it by interspersing small tidbits of facts she overhears from customers. Though she can convince her friends of her knowledge, older folks would be able to more clearly see through that façade and see the idealist underneath. She had been raised on stories of the valiant knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress, and really all she wants is that fairy tale romance. She constantly daydreams about being swept off of her feet by some dashing young man, off to take her to be his princess or something. The fact that this hasn’t happened and her parents won’t let her go out and flirt shamelessly with the boys in town puts her in something of a bad mood whenever she thinks about the sheer injustice of it. On the subject of her temper, she has one. A big one. It is not a rare thing for her to be happy and laughing one moment to huffing and stomping off the next. She has slowly begun trying to control it a bit better, but it’s not working very well, especially when it comes to her younger brother. In general, though, she is an overall happy young woman who, despite her endless supply of complaints and griping, is enjoying her life and strives to get as much out of it as she can while she has the chance. History: Her father was a candle maker. His father before him was a candle maker. And his father before him was a candlemaker. Suffice it to say, Annantha comes from a long line of candle makers. Even if she is stuck in the family trade, though, she will not be left to start everything from scratch. For when she comes of an age when she will be able to take over the business she will not only take over the keys to the store, but the other two things that make their business such a success. The first is an old leatherbound journal stuffed full of recipes for candles, from simply how to make them or how to achieve certain colors, to recipes for different scents, many of which are said to have medicinal properties. The second is a small plot of land outside of town, which does not seem like much at first. From the road all that can be seen is a tiny one-room house located in the middle of a field of overgrown wildflowers. But behind the house and hidden amongst the tall grasses are rows of beehives which supply the wax for the candles as well as honey, which provides additional income. Though her family is neither rich or influential enough to be noticed in social circles, they at least have gained enough attention for the quality of their wares. The various scents and designs of their candles have granted them patronage from several wealthy families and businesses, some of which have been buying from them for decades. How She Got the Item: Something wasn't quite right, she could tell that right away as she started to head towards the beehives. Even though she was still relatively car from the hives, she was already able to hear the buzzing of the bees. The usual quiet, lazy hum had turned into something loud and angry, and she could see a thick cloud of the insects swarming around the hives. Muttering darkly under her breath, she shifted the basket she had been carrying into the crook of her elbow, and used her now-free hands to pick up the hem of her skirt so she could run freely. She would have been able to tell something was wrong without having heard the bees. It seemed as if the entire hive had come out at once, and rather than flying off to the field of wildflowers near the hives, they were hovering around it instead, as if trying to ward some kind of predator off. But nothing was there. She searched around the area, looking for any of the usual culprits, but there were none. No people or cats were in the area, and she couldn't see any sign of any wasps, either. She was about to head back to the small hut to fetch her father, for she had no earthly idea how to deal with this, when she saw it. It was a bee, that much was obvious, but it was somehow....different than the rest. It was larger than most, and darker, and seemed to be flying in a circle over and over and over again, as if it were incapable of doing anything else. Some part of her kept her from running off, though, and instead she rummaged through the basket she held. A small, empty jar was eventually found (one that usually ended up having a frog or bug or something in it for her brother), and she carefully crept up on the strange bee, hesitating slightly before gently directing it into the jar. The bees quieted down as she tightened the lid on the jar, almost like magic. She held the jar up in front of her face, trying to get a better look at what she had caught. It was a bee, alright, and from the looks of it it was a queen bee as well. But something was strange, like it was drugged or something. It's movements were slow and sluggish, and it continued to only fly in a circle, around and around the inside of the jar. It was also almost entirely black as well, devoid of any yellow or brown that could usually be found on a bee. Any further inspection was cut off by a call from the hut. " Annantha, what is taking you so long?" And with a grumble she stuck the jar back in her basket and hurried back to where her father was calling. Intended Faction: Mazzarine would try and get her to join the Imperial Guard, for both of their sakes. Mazzarine would wish to know how to fight and defend herself in her new body, and she would think that Annantha would need to learn that as well. Of course, an untrained teenager probably wouldn't fit to well into the guard. Annantha wouldn't really know which faction to choose, as she's heard bad things about all of them. The Fellowship of the Mages would probably be her first choice though. Other Things:-Not a big fan of the dark, usually has her room filled with defective candles and things that couldn't be sold in the store and keep them lit for most of the time while she's in there. -has one younger brother ( cool who's (she thinks) only purpose in life is to make hers completely miserable. -there is another candle-making family in town that shares a fierce rivalry with them that has been going on for generations Any mention of one family to the other with often result in stories of how terrible they are. -has a very basic knowledge of reading and math, just enough to read the labels on things and add up people's purchases
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Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:57 pm
Name: Mazzarine (subject to change? Something with zzzzzzzzzzzzs in it) Gender: Female Item: Queen Bee Alignment: I'm not sure about this, to be honest! I think any of the alignments would be interesting, I'd be up to hearing what you guys think. -Currently leaning towards Phasmas! Item History: Her colony was strong, and she was proud. Her daughters and sisters had build their hive from the ground up, and her family had grown. The combs were strong, the honey they produced was rich and plentiful, and they were left undisturbed. Any that did try and attack were quickly fought off, and her heart swelled with pride at the sight of her strong, beautiful daughters defending their home. One day that all changed. A great object fell from above, crashing through the thin wicker that made up their hive. Her children tried to fight it off, but it was no use. Their stingers did not turn away their assailant, and even as she joined in the fight, nothing helped. Her colony lay dead around her, her hive nothing more than a shattered ruin. Honey slowly oozed out of the hive, mingling with a thick, darker liquid. A lone, solitary bee rose from the hive that the dead man had crashed into. The same dark, plague-ridden blood that had spilled into the hive coated it's body, making her flight slow and erratic. But to those who knew, it's flight read only one thing; danger, danger, danger.-From the Rival Family's colony! Personality: Mazzarine is a very prickly sort of person. She thinks very well of herself, and doesn't respond well to people who suggest that she is less than what she is. She still retains her royal bearings from being the queen bee, and expects others to respond to her as such. She does not shy away from making the tough decisions, and tends to favor the 'good of the whole over the good of the individual' approach to things, and she will not stop at any lengths to protect what she sees as hers. Much of her opinions and views come from the way bee colonies are generally set up, with the female bees being the workers, warriors, and leaders, while the males are simply drones, which will undoubtedly bring her into conflict with the more patriarchy-driven society of Panymium. It is not as if she dislikes men, it is just that she is used to them being in a passive role where they only have one or two real functions within society. Though she does come off as a sharp, harsh person, it does not stem from a lack of caring. She takes great personal responsibility in the beings and things that she considers under her command, and will go through great lengths to make sure that everything is safe and running smoothly. However, this can end up with her trying to direct other people's lives so they match up with what she deems is appropriate and the proper way for things to be. SUMMARY BECAUSE BULLET POINTS ARE FUN" +Dedicated +Caring +Loyal +Persistent -Arrogant -Pushy -Demanding -Ruthless Relationship: Annantha's stubbornness would not get along well with Mazzarine's attempt to reign over her. Each would see the other as belonging to them, so while they would not let anyone insult or harm the other, it would be because they saw the other as belonging to them rather than because they cared at first. Most of the time they would end up butting heads and arguing with each other, for they would both think they knew better than the other one. Mazzarine, eventually, would end up seeing Annantha as something as a protege, and (attempt to) take her under her wing and train her to be a queen. Annantha would begin to turn to her for advice, for her confidence would be quite appealing to a teenager who was lost and confused about she would not know how to act within the new human world she was in. The hope is that the two would help each other grow up. Mazzarine would impart some of her confidence and bearing to Annantha to help her become more independent and strong, and Annantha would mellow out Mazzarine's often militant seeming personality. Boopboop more bullets: -Conflicting personalities! Lots of butting heads and trying to talk over one another -Sees the other as a possession for some time -Both would end up 'growing up' around the same time, so they would inadvertently support the other one as they went along. -idk i am bad at summarizing Concept/Appearance: Putesco: -A large been with two small red dots on it's back covered mostly in plague goo Excito: -Large! -Red dots still on back/back of head or incorporated into clothing somehow -Fancy clothes! Can either be more masculine or feminine, either would work. -Wings of some sort, maybe? Maybe just added in as a design motif? -A crown? Black and yellow/gold ofc Anhlo: -Still a rather large woman -still fancy clothes, style depends on what happens in RP really.
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Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:59 pm
Family things! And extra stuff! Family: Father, mother, younger brother. All has a part in the family business, which has been in the family for generations. The children have basically been raised in the shop and around the bees and the candle making process, so it is something they have learned steadily since they were young. By the age Annantha is, she would know how to tend to the bees without being stung, learn a good deal of their normal behavior, know how to make basic candles, and would be in the process of learning the more decorative ones and how to add scent and color to the candle itself. -Her father actually was the one who married into the business, her mother's family owned it before then Father: A big, burly man with a pretty awesome beard. A big sucker for his family, which Annantha is perfectly aware of and doesn't hesitate to exploit. Mother: A calm and composed woman, is the one who deals with the business for the most part. Brother: Young and annoying and seems to live to cause trouble. Tries to act big and manly like his father at times. Shop: Candles! Lots of candles! And honey! some links about medieval beekeeping for future reference for me mostly :v http://suite101.com/article/history-of-beekeeping-a161621 http://zeidlerguild.awardspace.com/beekeeping_in_anglo.htmThat other family that they all hate: The Skeppers. They suck.
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Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:00 pm
Future plans! And Things!
-FAMILY ISSUES! -have her family forbid her from getting involved in the plague stuff, maybe even try to take Mazzarine away from her. This would not go over well at all, and might get to the point where she runs away because of it (to join the mages, maybe?) -Bring up the family feud with the other candlemakers at some point. Either have Mazzarine come from one of their bee colonies, or have them see her as an unfair advantage and try and steal her
STAR CROSSED LOVERS, TOTALLY -"falls in love" with the Other Family's son, tries to keep it hidden from family for obv. reasons -have him find out about Mazzarine, recognize her as his family's bee, freak outand run and tell his parents -oops more candle drama
-OH MY GOD TEMPER -Have her temper and stubbornness get her into trouble. Often. -Probably have it cause some trouble with the mages -LEARN TO CONTROL IT -eventually.
-Power struggle with Mazzarine. Basically ongoing for forever.
-Possible arranged marriage at some point?
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Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 2:06 pm
Need to go through this again, so if anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear 'em!
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knife effect Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 2:52 pm
If you'd like, I could give you a crit over Skype if you have it, or AIM. I prefer talking over typing since it's easier for me, but if you don't have those, I can offer a crit by tonight.
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Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 3:06 pm
That'd be awesome! My Skype name is snagoster c:
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knife effect Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 3:24 pm
Added! I''m prettypistols in case you didn't receive the notif.
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Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:11 pm
went through and changed the concept for the plague, added a few things to the bio as well :v~ some of it is still hasn't been fully written out yet, but the basics of everything is there!
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Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:24 pm
I should get back into the groove of critiquing, I haven't done it in so long. @___@ I'll write up some of the thoughts I had while reading! A lot of it is just questions that I had and hope will help shape your thoughts on them. You can break your responses down and reflect them in their personal posts or you can just have a Q&A/FAQs section that will allow others to know important tidbits.
Annantha;; [xxxx]How do you think her age will help/hinder/shape her as a Grimm? Her age is still very young in terms of the grand scheme of the world and this may be seen as a hindrance/difficulty. [xxxx]Expand upon her family some? Doesn't have to be gigantic, but maybe list some blurbs of who's in the house, their personalities/roles, opinions on the plague. Also, does she/the family know about or have heard of the animated plagues in any of their various stages? Will they try and take control of or know about Mazzarine? [xxxx]How will she handle being dictated/instructed on what to do in new settings by superiors in her intended faction with a short temper? Has she started apprenticing as a candlemaker? Does she have any training at all? How experienced is she as a whole. [xxxx]When she goes to join the mage guild, will she be a supporting figure for them or will she attempt to learn and develop magickal skills? What will her focus be/power/kickback. I know it's a ways away but developing those facts know will help you a lot with your quest and developing her later as a character.
Mazzarine;; [xxxx]In terms of her history. Is she from the colony that is in Annantha's backyard? Or did she travel there after her own colony was destroyed? I ask because in Annantha's obtainment blurb, she didn't mention/see the dead man that had wrecked a hive, which I feel would be a big factor. Additionally, there was the giant haze of bees surrounding where she was. If she's not from the colony Annantha's family owns, is she from the other families beehives? Do you think that aspect will ever be found out? Could be something very dramatic if the family were interested in a family war over control of Mazzarine. [xxxx]To help decide her alignment: do you see her as someone who would spread the disease, cure the disease, or dabble in black/white magicks? Or in terms of her looks: do you want her to be very human in appearance, have weird physical traits, or be very representative of her bee-self?
I hope this helps! I had more questions to ask, but I forgot them. >_< If I remember anything else, I'll let you know! I'll also try and respond to anything you may reply with. Feel free to PM me! I need to see if I remember my AIM and such before reconnecting with peeps that way, ahoo. Also, I didn't really proofread this so if you need any clarification...yeah. >__>
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:45 am
Aaah, thank you! :V Hmmhmm, I'll answer them here and then put them into one of the extra posts or incorporate them into the other ones.
Annantha: -Lots of terrible decisions and her thinking she knows better than everyone else! Also a lot of learning by mistakes. I figured this would be an interesting thing to explore, considering she's at a very impressionable point in her life and could be easily swayed by things around her, and considering all of the politics and such that surround the Plagues, it would be something of a struggle for her to navigate through all of that safely. -I think her family would try and stay out of the plagues as much as possible, thought hey would know about them. Don't want to attract the trouble that seems to follow in their wake. If they ever found out about Mazzarine (she would probably try and keep her hidden), they would try and keep it quiet, which would probably mean taking control of her, yes. Which would not make either of them happy and conflicts would ensue! -I figured the mages would be a good place for her to go, since learning magic would require a good grasp on your emotions/temper, which she would have a big problem with at first.
Basically I'm thinking of having her mature and grow a lot mostly through terrible teenager decisions and having them blow up in her face 8V
Mazzarine: -No! I was thinking of having her come from a wild colony, but the idea of having her belong to the other family would be interesting! Might have to use that, actually... -See, I was originally thinking of her being a Phasmas, so she could be the other half magic-wise to Annantha, but having her eventually turn into an Infitalis to keep more bee-like qualities (stingers and the like), also having the ability to spread the disease as an equivalent to stinging? I think I'm leaning more towards a Phasmas at the moment, though. Might just need to sit on it for a bit!
Yes! Please let me know if you can think of anything else, you've helped a great deal! biggrin I don't have AIM any more, but you can always PM me~
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