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So I don't know if I really qualify well for this forum at 22, but I'd like some input, experience, or sympathy without risking the douche-ness that sometimes occurs in LI.

But basically me and the boyfriend have been having a lot of serious conversations, because since last year he has emotionally strayed, not been able to get over the girl he emotionally strayed with, and has been somewhat unhappy with the relationship and not feeling like his needs are met, to the point of the stress of it killing his libido. This really all came to head, and became out in the open friday. To be honestly it's emotionally hurt me a lot. partially because he hid it from me, partially because I have a low self esteem and it makes it really really easy for me to convince myself that he doesn't want anything about me so I should just break up with him because he is too tenderhearted to do so, and partially because I've got a lot of other stress in my life from being a senior in college and having a grandfather dieing of cancer.

We've decided to go to relationship counseling, because he's not really sure what it is that he's lacking in our relationship, so we probably won't fix it on our own and neither of us are able to give up on a 5yr relationship so soon. We are probably going to go to the ones his parents went to. It's $60 a session, which is a lot for me working 20hrs minimum wage, but he'll hopefully have a job soon and be able to pay for at least several of them (although the job isn't a guarantee yet). I guess I'm just afraid the counselor will sit us down and just tell us it's impossible and to give up already.

So I guess I just want advice or sympathy. Even though I suspected something was going on, it still hit me like a brick and I've been pretty emotional the last few days over it. Experiences with relationship counseling positive or negative will help.

Some extra info: I am 20, he's 22. I live about 80mi away most of the year for college so I usually see him one day a week, two days tops, so it's a quasi-long distance relationship. It's been hard for him since he tends to be a little emotionally high maintenece. I graduate in december and hope to find a job in the city we live closest to shortly afterwards, so it should hopefully be less long distance soon.

I sometimes feel like the song Why do you love me by Garbage. And someone like you from Adele all mixed into one angsty crying blob
Edit: The stress of everything is really getting to me. Ever since friday I've been barely able to eat and it just gets worse. I've only been able to have a few bites at a time for the last 2 days without feeling like I'm gonna throw up.

Half the problem is he doesn't even know what's wrong. Just that he's not really satisfied. He started his new job today and it will pay pretty well so hopefully we will be able to afford to go a few times, at least enough to get things back on track and figure out whats wrong and if it's worth continuing.

I really appreciate the reply though, I was starting to feel kind of like.. a failure in my own relationship. I mean you don't really think of people going to counseling before they are even married. But this issue just keeps coming up so it's apparently not going away by itself.

I definitely still love him, and he says he still loves me and tries to show me it. He didn't neccesarily fall in love with the girl, but he definitely had a very strong connection with her that was at least partially romantic.

The problem is that he isn't entirely happy, that He's missing something(s) in the relationship and doesn't know what, but apparently she either had it, or was new and exciting enough to seem like it. The distance is part of the problem, but possibly not all of it. so spending more time together is pretty difficult right now.

I feel the same way about him as you describe, Unfortunately I'm not sure he does as well. He's had issues being honest about where we stand, which is why it only came out when I confronted him about it last friday. I just really don't know and neither does he. He says he still loves me, otherwise he wouldn't be still trying to work things out.

My partner and I were in that same boat too, but he decided to move back with me one last time and give our relationship one last chance (because we'd spend the previous 2 years in an on-again-off-again LDR, for work reasons). Things have gotten better since he's moved back, but he's still stuck on a couple of key issues and we're not sure what to do. Neither wants to walk away from a 4+ year relationship like it's nothing. We haven't had a repeat of him getting feelings for another woman though, which we both suspected (and have confirmed) was due to us living apart during the year.

I don't have much to add, unfortunately, and pretty much agree with Lass Kyon's advice. Sounds like he needs to figure some of the stuff inside his head out before the relationship goes further.

Maybe a personal therapist would be more helpful? I mean, if it's just an issue with him, and he doesn't know how to fix it or even what the problem is, I don't know that that would be something a couple's counselor would be able to help with (but of course it's worth a try). It just all seems very personal to me, something that doesn't really involve you.

Of course it involves you in that you're going to be affected by it, but it doesn't seem to be a problem with your relationship so much as him needing to sort through his feelings. However, a couples counselor could be the right thing to do here, and again, it's worth a try. I just think that if there's no real problem with your relationship that either of you know of, the problem could be something beyond that.

I'm just saying the problem could be beyond your relationship, like an issue he's dealing with that he's projecting onto your relationship. I mean, you said he doesn't even know what the problem is, which is weird to me, because it seems like you should know what is bothering you about your relationship, because otherwise... why would you be bothered? You know what I mean?
But again, as I said before, it's worth a try and a couple's counselor could certainly help you. I just wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, that's all.

My boyfriend got fired (for being colorblind!) and his/my insurance won't cover the guy his parents went to, so we have our first appointment at a sliding scale therapy/family center this friday. The guy we are going to has done both personal and couples counseling before so hopefully it'll all go well. *Is nervous*

*hug* thanks. It was definitely interesting. I'm till not sure 100% how I feel about it XD He said that as long as we put the work in he thinks he could definitely help us, but I think my emotions are still a little raw.

Unions aren't really big where we live, but he already decided he's not going to do anything about it. It's a really small company and the colorblindness did make it near impossible to safely do his job. He said the owner is a really sweet guy and wouldn't of done it if it wasn't necessary so he's just going to start job hunting again.