Welcome to Gaia! ::

(this probably wasn't what you had in mind, but I was thinking about it.)

I work in a form of customer service. I really dislike it when people ask obvious stupid questions. and then get mad at you, and start yelling at you to fix something they did, and don't understand.

I work at a bank, and probably the stupidest question is:
why don't I have any money!? Then they proceed to yell at you until you explain to them they spent it, and were charged fees, and send them over to the service desk to set something up to pay back the bank.

The other one is why do I have to show my ID? I've banked here x amount of years and have x amount of dollars... blah blah blah...

Okay, I'll just let the very next person who walks in that door have your account number and let them withdrawl all your money. sure thing. I can do that.

Generally though, most people are friendly, and well mannered. I just wish everyone could be like that.

It was only recently that I've begun to fall for someone. Beauty divine and her giggle mesmerizing (Mentionned in the last post)

Yes, Marie-France. The only one who enjoys my funny american accent (when I speak french). Who understands what I say when I fumble around with my words and is polite no matter what idiotic action I did.

I don't think she likes me and I don't really give a hoot. I just enjoy complimenting her and recieving her sandwhiches that she gives to me every day (recently).

That's just a summary. Our past is that we've known each other since 6th grade (that's when I moved to Canada). In Secondary 1, a friend hinted me that she liked me back in 6th grade.

There's only one girl I have seriously liked. Emilie Martin. I'm not going to go into details, but she was adorable, yet not desirable. I don't really enjoy love or anything sorted into that category. Makes me feel... weak. Needy. That and maybe I've never actually felt in love (except for a few times that didn't seem true)

My true fear is to be happy. Does this make sense? I've been so miserable the last 8 years. I can't remember the last time I was happy.

My childhood? No... I can't say it was rough. But I sure was blind at other people's opinions.

Everyday, I wake up for someone, it hurts me to know that she isn't waking up for me. That I am chasing someone who is chasing someone else.

I'm sure this has happened for everyone.

Here I am, unable to enjoy my vacation because of a drug... and a loaded gun. Oh the people we yearn for and the attention they provide us with.


Edit: I knew I forgot something. To find a way to win one's heart you have to ask yourself this question: How can I distinguished my love for her from everyone else's?

Well last night I was at a party. It was my half cousin's Big 15 birthday. Yes Hispanics celebrate theire 15th birthday not their 16th. So at first everyone was cool and I was hanging out with my cousins closer to my age. We were taking pictures and talking. My brother and other people were in the Secret Garden area partying and drinking. My brother drank 4 beers on an empty stomuch and he got really drunk. Obviously I was worried about him. My cousins and I were sitting around talking and my brother came over with beer in his hand so I asked him if he was ok. Then he collapsed on the couch and we all started laughing. After a while he stood up then tripped over a plastic cup. Later we were in the T.V room talking again then my brother came over and sat in a chair falling asleep. I told my brother to hand me his drink but he refused so I walked over and tried taking it but he pulled it back and yelled at me. We started laughing at him again. He started playing around with the bird in the cage next to him and the bird bit him so he started cursing at the bird and we all started laughing again. Moments later he chugged down the rest of his beer and got most of it on his shirt and wiped himselfs with it. It was nasty. When we got home he collapsed on the couch so I helped him reach the bathroom so he could vomit.




Scary night man.

rofl

Mmm.. Leiko's in a thoughtful mood now.

So I guess I just got into my first relationship. Nothing much is really different. No one knows about it. It's just nice for me to know it's official, even though we've been acting like we're a couple for at least a month now.

I knew his feelings toward me since late October. Long time for me to be in denial. It's because I don't think I'm a likeable person. I think I'm a horrible person, and I don't know why Rodan likes me. But he does. And I like him too. So here we are.

Then I sit here and wonder, what the ******** have I gotten myself into? I seriously don't think this relationship will last very long. We've talked about this so many times already. He saying he knows it won't last forever because it's just highschool. Him saying he would never want to hurt me in any way at all, so that's why he was hesitant to ask me out sooner.

Him saying he's finally ready to take a chance. Me saying I'm willing to too, because I'm trusting him soso much to not hurt me. And it's so hard for me to give people my trust. So what makes him different? I don't even know anymore. He just makes me feel special.

When he's holding me, or when he's complimenting me, it just makes me feel so much better. I'm such a hopeless romantic, sometimes I just want to shoot myself. I just can't get myself to feel comfortable in a relationship. It's gonna end all too soon, and damn, that's going to hurt more than not being in one at all.

None of my friends know. I promised my friend Judy I'd tell her everything that happened. When she finds out I'm going out with Rodan, oh god she's gonna rant. It's all in the fun though, I guess.

Then there's Winnie, who was all "Of course you're not in a relationship! If you were, you'd tell me!" and all I could do then was laugh and say it's true. When she finds out, I'm gonna be shot in the face. I guess it's fun to keep secrets like this.

It feels so great to know this is happening, but I seriously feel like I made a mistake. He'll tell me he loves me, I'll tell him I love him too, but then that little voice in my head's screaming "It's ******** highschool! Get a grip!" and I just feel like retreating to my corner.

Problem is, I can't. I'm such a clingy person it hurts my soul. I'm always afraid people will leave me, so I've been basically clinging to Rodan just to make sure he won't leave. Sometimes though, I just don't show it. He's always the one calling me and leaving me voicemail saying he misses me so much during his break, while I just call back and tell him "Love you and miss you too."

I don't know how much he actually likes me. I don't think he knows how much I like him. We never really told each other directly, or specifically. Of course I find out from all my friends he does like me a lot, but I just can't trust people.

It's so easy for someone to lie about that, or exaggerate. That just leads to more pain, yeah? Maybe I'm just being a dumbass now.

Taking chances. That's what life's about. Maybe I'm just scared of that. I'm scared of life. I'm scared of taking chances. And this is definitely one of the biggest chance I've taken in awhile. Why did I ever let myself get this close to someone? Why?

I promised myself I wouldn't get myself hurt more than I already am. And here I am, hoping to find my Prince Charming.

Oh god.

Where's reality when I need it to bitchslap me across the face?

Leiko: I'm just going to comment if that's ok with you >.<
I'm a cah-razy hopeless romantic and I spent a good couple years of my life constantly dreaming about what a real relationship would be like.

When Jamie asked me out, in April of 'o4, I felt the same way you did. I didn't expect the relationship to last longer than a couple of months, and I did everything in my power to keep control so that if anything did happen, that I wouldn't be hurt. It meant for almost four months, I was the stiffest being imaginable. He always had to put his arm around me. He had to initiate first conversation. I never kissed him first. My face turned beat red every time he came over. And I was constantly terrified that I might say something stupid and ruin the entire relationship.

Finally, I realized that if he is still hanging in there that he must really like me, and maybe if I just let go a little more then I would find myself more comfortable in the relationship.

Who cares about that stupid stereotypical crap about high school relationships never working out? Even if they don't, at least they are amazing while they happen and you will always learn something from it, ne? Jamie and I have been going out for almost two years. And I am only midway through grade eleven.

If you really are worried that he might leave you, just ask him about it. Tell him that you need reassuring. And if he's really the right guy, he will understand why you are worried. >.<

I'm going to comment on Leiko too n_n:

No, I can't say I'm a hopeless romantic, in fact. I'm still new at this feeling crap with all that affection and such (I can't hug, I get really jittey if someone touches or holds my hands and I have trouble smiling.)

Have you ever heard of Trial and Error? It's a Math technique to solve problems. That means if it doesn't work with this guy, maybe the next one will. I'm not saying to whore yourself, but don't be too down if it doesn't work out. It's relatioships like these that we learn to care for others more than your usual friends. We hurdle adversity for simply more adversity.

Be careful as well: If he likes you, then don't change, because he likes you the way you are. And don't be too down on yourself. No this isn't encouragement, this is another reminder. If you keep thinking negatively about yourself, so will everyone else, it's contagious. Or they might be fed up with yourself. Some things aren't meant to be answered. Knowledge, like many say, is a powerful thing and can be very persuasive to you or those who surround you.

If you keep losing your confidence about yourself, you'll start doubting, losing focus of what's happening to you and once loss, it's hard to retrieve without doubt as the pricetag.

Ouf, it's too early in the morning for this <3. I wish I had some inspiration.