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The Secrets (work in progress) (go ahead and critiqe mine)

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LyssaBaggins

Invisible Genius

PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2012 2:33 pm


Chapter 1
I was sitting in this tiny, stuffy boutique thinking to myself “Why does this stupid dance even exist? Because of this I’m stuck here waiting for my supermodel sister to try on at least a million dresses that all look amazing on her. I mean she could go to the dance in ripped blue jeans and a Taylor Swift T-shirt and she would still have boys drooling over her. Moments later my sister walked out wearing a strapless, floor length, bright red, dress with an elaborate, diamond studded flower pattern down the chest.
“What do you think Valerie?” asked my sister as she twirled around like a princess.
“Once again you look absolutely stunning. Now can you just choose a dress so we can get out of here?”
“Oh come on you just chose a plain purple, knee length single shoulder strap dress.”
“Just get a dress already.”
“Fine I’ll just get this dress. I love how it makes me feel like royalty.” My sister, Amanda, said as she spun around in circles looking like a little girl on Christmas morning.
Once me and Amanda left the store, that I would have nightmares about for the next five or six weeks, she declared we had to now go out shoe shopping. I tried discouraging her from going to another store and spending hours picking out our prom outfits. Once we pulled up to another store I was starting to wonder if this was such a hassle why didn’t everyone wear jeans, T-shirts, and tennis shoes. Once I got out of my sister’s sleek light blue convertible I almost seemed and ran away because once again we pulled up to a small brick clad store called Shoe Mania.
“Sis” I asked in a questioning tone.
“What is it now?” Amanda asked obviously annoyed.
“Why when Vannalia has large department stores do we have to go these small stuffy stores?”
“Why? Because these stores are involved in the black market is why.”
“Wait. You of all people. You, are a rebel.” I said barley able to hide the shock in my voice.
“Yes though don’t tell anyone. Got it.”
“Of course.” I skeptically replied. “But I don’t believe you let me see the rebel’s mark and then I’ll believe you.”
Amanda turned around and moved her long black hair, and sure enough the red and black dragon was tattooed onto her shoulder. I could not believe of all people Amanda actually had the rebel’s mark on her shoulder. After she showed me she quickly moved her hair back in place to cover the tattoo. Amanda quickly looked around to make sure nobody saw, and then grabbed my red shirt, with big, bolded white letters on the front saying “CANADA©”.
PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2012 10:04 am


That's really good but slightly confusing. A few spelling errors and possible grammar mistakes.

Myde14Niia

Tipsy Hunter

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Fantasy

 
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