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PineKnot

PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 9:21 pm


i wrote a poem for my english class. i'd just like a little feedback, if it's not too much to ask...

Quote:
Sex, Lies, and a Chocolate Genocide

Tattoos. Sex. Drugs. Love. Money. Chocolate. Porn. Democracy. Republicans.

Now you're drawn in, right?

Say them. Just say them

Watch heads turn

For all the wrong reasons

Mind your own business



Too fat. Too skinny. Ugly. Not good enough

Contacts, powders, treatments, diets, creams

Muddied beauty, caked with grit

What you see is what you get.

Sex. Drugs. Chocolate. Genocide. Nazis.

Just checking.



Try this. It's better

I'm better.

Better than who? You of course!

My way or the highway?



I hate my life.

I want to die. My life sucks.

Yeah right. Liar.

Misery loves company.

"Lots of people have it worse girly, so eat s**t!"

Honesty. Cruelty. Honest cruelty?

Or cruel honesty?



Thankful for what we have

Greedy for what we don't

Greedy for what we don't have

Thankful for what we don't

Our wants and needs

Just fear, greed, and hate



Where did all the happiness go?

Appreciating whatever, whoever

Whenever, however you ended up



A monster devoured the world yesterday, for eternity

Too bad we didn't die with it



Guns, sex, scandal, pizza, drugs, lies, martyrs, football, music

All we force feed down our own throats

Never ceasing to gag, to choke, and to

Eat more, until we are never full



Like a bag of garbage we will rot

building up more and more, until the bag breaks

and our world falls to pieces

Or maybe it already did



Not true happiness

He who has nothing has the happiest life

No need to care. Free to care.



That monster got sick.

It died of a stomach ache



We are unhappy always

Our pieces of plastic Hefty bag

We scrabble and claw to fit, to win, to be the best

Always reaching, never grasping happiness


yah. that's my poem. joy. alas and alack. whatever.
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 9:24 pm


rone-ry. maybe this is a useless endeavor.

PineKnot


EwMonkeys22

PostPosted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 7:26 pm


I like this. It's very unique and filled with emotion. It's not exactly a greatly stuctured poem, but I still like it very much. It's great to see something besides just love & broken hearts. Very nice.
PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 9:47 am


its content i find facinating. a take on life that i deffintly have taken on my self though the structure of the poem seems odd there were a couple of times were i had to stop and reread a line or two. beyond that i love the poem its deep and had feeling to it. its not unlike my own poems. the structure and setting slightly off but the heart is in it and that is what i feel a decient poem needs any one can write words on a pice of paper and call it a poem but it doesn't mean that its any good.

cora_217

High-functioning Lunatic

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One_Masked_Wolf

PostPosted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 2:57 pm


i like the fact that it is difrent good job i give it 7 out of 10 hugs heart heart heart
PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 1:00 pm


Not bad not bad. You write like a friend of mine but better.

Archknight of the Dance


PineKnot

PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 7:43 pm


thanks
PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 9:47 am


one phrase "that's reality"... well you've done a great job portraying the sad truths of life in a unique way... that's one hell of a poem!!! keep up the gud work 3nodding

ayesa_levian14


multifruit

PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:15 am


EwMonkeys22
I like this. It's very unique and filled with emotion. It's not exactly a greatly stuctured poem, but I still like it very much. It's great to see something besides just love & broken hearts. Very nice.


think the same heart
PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:35 pm


holy s**t, that's ******** fly! seriously, it's got like a beat to it! i looove it! ^^ it hink it's a perfect poem. like it's no sonnet man but it's still a poem nonetheless. it's in such a unique style! message me sometime, and we can share more work (: heart

Shoushitsu

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Critiques: Poem, Short Story, and Writing for Critiquing Forum

 
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