Welcome to Gaia! ::

After a short read through, I'm interested. However, I think you gave us a lot of information, but not much explanation. There seems to be a lot going on with both characters and the situation, so don't be afraid to expand the piece! Show us more about the characters, the scenery, the why and how and so on. This first part could easily be a little longer and could be really interesting.

I also want to recommend being careful of tenses. A couple of times you switch between present tense ("Kira sees the town," "Kira says to him," etc.) and past tense ("Kira saw the town," "Kira said to him," and so on). When you do your editing, double check the tenses so that they all match. Personally, I find writing in past tense the easiest for me, but I also have a wicked case of writer's block so my advice isn't exactly helpful right now. xp Good luck! Post again when you've got more.