|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 9:26 am
Hello I've been on this guild for a while and haven't posted any of my work. I'd like some feedback for a story I'm currently writing. The story is called "Rat Among Wizards" and focuses on an exiled and outcast boy named Gaius who's trying to recover from severe emotional scarring in a foreign land's school.
http://sivrel.deviantart.com/art/Rat-Among-Wizards-334201083
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 9:39 am
thaskarin Hello I've been on this guild for a while and haven't posted any of my work. I'd like some feedback for a story I'm currently writing. The story is called "Rat Among Wizards" and focuses on an exiled and outcast boy named Gaius who's trying to recover from severe emotional scarring in a foreign land's school. http://sivrel.deviantart.com/art/Rat-Among-Wizards-334201083
So, first off, the story was alright, but seemed a little flat. Ways you could spice it up includes speeding up the "speed" at which events occur, or add little distractions and events happening around the area that compliment the main idea. There were also some grammatical errors, but I won't get into that.
The brief thoughts and feelings part was nice - push this further. Even a casual personal observation would help, as would metaphors and other literary devices - all the tired old jazz we've heard in English class.
Also, the transitions were a little choppy, so maybe you could work on the change leading into different thoughts and events. The end, relating back to the castle in the sky was a nice touch, though. The castle in the sky could metaphorically represent a person's dreams that are hard to reach, as well, so make references to that.
~Poppi
|
|
|
|
|
|
Angstbucket Edgelord Vice Captain
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 9:48 am
PoppiHollaPuddelz thaskarin Hello I've been on this guild for a while and haven't posted any of my work. I'd like some feedback for a story I'm currently writing. The story is called "Rat Among Wizards" and focuses on an exiled and outcast boy named Gaius who's trying to recover from severe emotional scarring in a foreign land's school. http://sivrel.deviantart.com/art/Rat-Among-Wizards-334201083
So, first off, the story was alright, but seemed a little flat. Ways you could spice it up includes speeding up the "speed" at which events occur, or add little distractions and events happening around the area that compliment the main idea. There were also some grammatical errors, but I won't get into that.
The brief thoughts and feelings part was nice - push this further. Even a casual personal observation would help, as would metaphors and other literary devices - all the tired old jazz we've heard in English class.
Also, the transitions were a little choppy, so maybe you could work on the change leading into different thoughts and events. The end, relating back to the castle in the sky was a nice touch, though. The castle in the sky could metaphorically represent a person's dreams that are hard to reach, as well, so make references to that.
~PoppiThank you, this is essentially just a first draft so there are going to be some GLARING problems that I may or may not have noticed. I appreciate your time. It's currently an online novel in progress so I'll continue writing and go back to fix the issues (better to write the whole thing then edit if you know what I mean.) I understand why the events may seem choppy as I'm still working on pacing myself in many regards.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 10:29 pm
http://sivrel.deviantart.com/#/d5lz61c
Chapter 2, likely the same problems present.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 10:31 pm
http://sivrel.deviantart.com/art/Rat-Among-Wizards-Ch-3-343435669
Chapter 3. Tried to address some of the previous problems here. Also some more of the plot has been revealed along with some backstory.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 11:10 pm
Have you written the entire thing or just the first three chapters?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 11:07 am
Clover_IceQueen Have you written the entire thing or just the first three chapters? Thus far just the three chapters. It's a work in progress.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 8:41 pm
http://sivrel.deviantart.com/art/Rat-Among-Wizards-Ch-4-345996823
Chapter four. I think this one's kinda rushed.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
