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 Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 6:00 pm
Thread for poems you in particular want critiqued
Simple, the rest of the forum is for "fluff". If you want serious or "brutal" critiques of your poems post it directly in this thread for the subject matter for this forum.
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Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 1:27 pm
pain
you use the blade
to cut your skin
you want to hide
the pain within
you want to see the blood drip down
you want to watch it hit the ground
the pain feels good
it makes you high
so far you've forgotten
the real pain inside
yet in the end
you seem to know
the pain you tryed to hide
will show
this pain you can note hide
for you can not keep this secret from yourself
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Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 6:20 pm
please someone say something about it... I can handle the truth.. people tell me crap about my poetry all the time.. I just life this one smile but its all good I want the feed back smile xd
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Posted: Sun Mar 12, 2006 8:12 am
Indeed it's scarey. It has visuals and shows the contemplation. If you want to, you could write it from a third person perspective (from someone seeing someone else doing it) and have them wondering about what is going on with them, if it's too close to home it might sound like a personal poem and not be all that easy for people to relate unless they hear it from someone looking from the outside. But that's just my opinion.
You've gone halfway there by using "you" instead of "I" but you would want to add "I wonder if..." or "Do you..." to distance the parts about what is going on with them, because the way you currently have it it looks like you know for certain what they are thinking, when you can't really read their mind.
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Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 6:38 pm
I dont know is that better? Pain
you use the blade
to cut your skin
you want to hide
the pain within
do you want to see the blood drip down
want to watch it hit the ground
I see your pain
it makes you high
have you forgotten
the real pain inside
I look at you in the end
I see you now know
the pain you tryed to hide
will show
this pain you can not hide
for you can not keep this secret from yourself
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Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 10:42 pm
Excellent. Though I might think that you mean "not hide" instead of "note hide"
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Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 3:09 pm
dramaartwriting Excellent. Though I might think that you mean "not hide" instead of "note hide" *hugs* thankies so much for the advise
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Posted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 9:58 am
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Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 11:19 am
i loved it. it gave details, and described things many people would have overlooked when attempting to describe the action taking place.
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Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 2:23 am
Sky
I'm tired of always hurting
I'm tired of all the pain
Of always wanting, needing
But never knowing any gain
I'm sick of all the lies
Thrown from all around
Of the insultuous cuts
From whose blood is on the ground
I want to find freedom
To spread wings and fly
Butthese shackles still hold me
I'll never know the sky
So here I lie, all alone
Blood dripping off my bones
Knowing until the day I die
I'll never know the sky
>< Be brutal!!!
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Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 6:51 pm
A Raven's Remorse ((A Fable based on a personal experience))
There once was a raven
Whom lived in a quaint little haven.
He had friends of all kinds,
Each one had a unique mind.
There was one he had to watch the most,
He had to make sure she didn't become a ghost.
A kind little kitten that hid her emotions.
Her depression tended to overwhelm her like sinister oceans.
The raven spent time to caterwaul with this hidebound feline.
It was difficult for this black cat since she only saw a mirage and whined.
"Please don't listen to the ribalds of your family and friends," he would say,
"You know they aren't true, so let's go have some fun and play!"
He would then ruffle her soft fur with his ebon feathers,
She'd laugh and smile, but only to fool him while they played in heather.
He assumed he was doing well with her,
But her smiles merely obfuscated his good demeanor.
One day he had heard the most unsanguine nees,
which came from his friend the penguin; it made them both blue.
The cute kitten had had enough of the ridicule.
She tried to hang herself, a nosse was her tool.
She was sent away after that.
The raven felt he had failed the cat.
"I thought I was helping her,
"But it seems I couldn't make a forte of nerve.
"You may not see it now, but your life is important.
"Not everyone will like you, one's personality isn't omnipotent.
"Though there will always be someone that is glad that you're alive.
"So why not just fight and wait until that person for you arrives?"
Afterall, just because your life is currently terrible,
It doesn't mean it'll be like that forever; life is bearable.
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Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 12:30 pm
I've liked "A Raven's Remorse" since you first had me read it last year.
It's beautiful and I absolutely love the metaphors.
It makes one think.
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Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 12:34 pm
"I Hate it When You Say..." (This is also posted under my other username...[Flesh-Under-My-Nails]
I'm so perplexing
so complicated
I'm over-reacting
and so defeated
I'm so depressing
so over-whelming
I'm constantly begging
and way too depending
On you, but I'm not, can't you see?
Can't you hear my plea?
Stop bickering and taunting
Please stop haunting
all of my thoughts, all of my dreams
I'm sick of your schemes
Stop talking because I'm tired
And I hate it when you say
I'm no good
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Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 8:33 pm
A little... depressing, which is okay cause that's why it's here. Biting back and telling the other that you hate it when they are making fun of you or making you feel less. Love it.
Hay, I didn't post them there, and I don't think I should, but could people critique my Patriarch and then my Between the Fence and the Universe songs, please?
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Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 1:58 am
Together Eternally
She begins to fall,
I watch her die,
I fall down with her,
I begin to cry,
Our life a classic story,
Of a soulmate found,
Deep in our hearts,
And now forever we're bound,
And to think it all started,
When I began to allow,
Emotion into my life,
And we danced, and I bowed,
We loved each other,
Since the day we first danced,
And we held each others hands,
And never lost our balance,
We glided swiftly,
Across the Ball room floor,
And at the end,
We went through the exit door,
And we exchanged a kiss,
Which binded it all,
Letting us love each other forever,
Even as we fall,
Now I know what it means,
For your life to flash before your eyes,
And they flash for a second but you remember them,
Like beautiful fireflies,
And as we look into each other eyes,
We say with our last breath,
"I'll love you forever,
Even through death..."
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