Welcome to Gaia! ::

Lately I've just felt so differently. Life has been changing a lot for a while now and for the better. I will be 21 in a little over a month.

I don't feel like I used to. I guess that's a good thing. I kinda pretransition before my birthday when it comes to my personality/maturity if that makes sense.

Its hard for me to let things go and accept change, but recently I'm doing better. Lately I have felt more like an adult than a kid at heart. My dad always told me to never let that die. I feel like its fading though. My fiance keeps it alive though because he is the biggest kid at heart I know of and hes 2.5 years older than me. Its just like I'm getting into the start of this maternal transition I guess? In august I will be starting college to get my degree in 2 years, then get a job right after and a few months after that I will be getting married. After that its just saving up for a house and then have kids. I know life sounds planned out for me, and I mean I am happy with it. Its just strange........everything I used to know doesn't apply to me anymore. A lot of people have left my life that were close. The people who weren't so close are my best friends. I recently put my past behind me.

I feel like dust in the wind. And yes, the song by Kansas I listened to earlier this morning and it kinda is how I feel. Dust in the wind.

I'm being treated like an adult, besides my mom who still treats me like a kid which isn't always bad. My sister and I rarely talk anymore and she lives far away. I live with my parents at their house and with my fiance at our trailer. I go back and forth regularly so I really don't have a bed in specific to call my own for almost a year now. And the living between both places isn't like my parents kicked me out, its just the trailer is more broken down than my parents house so certain things I have to live with my parents for and for extra time with my fiance I spend the weekends with him usually and sometimes stay during the week.

I've been sorting through my childhood stuff recently to get ready to be given to salvation army/goodwill and being sold. The rest I kept is either collectible or for my kids when I have them in the future.

I guess all of it is finally getting to me. I have the urge to travel and get out more since I've been jobless for a while. I have been getting out and about on. regular basis for several months now. Usually 3-6 days a week I'm out driving or going somewhere. I keep busy with cleaning/renovating, daily chores, and exercising usually. I try studying the word of God twice a day now at least if not 3-4 on less busy days.

Its just I feel empty a bit. Everything is wonderful and fine. But I guess the best image I can give you is imagine a toddler stepping into their parents shoes that are too big for them. Most of their life they can't imagine they will turn out like their parents. They let time pass them by as their shoe size very slowly increases and the toddler doesn't worry about it. One day they look down and they see they fit into their parents shoes. The toddler runs to the mirror and looks at its reflection. The kid notices they aren't a kid anymore. Everything the kid knew doesn't matter. They have these shoes filled but they don't know how to use them. They don't know where to go. They just stare wondering how it could have happened and what will happen next.

That's me in a nutshell. Idk what to do. Another thing, I used to fit into a 5/6 bathing suit (one piece) for years and years. Even 9-10 months ago I couldn't fit into an 8/9 one piece because it was loose. I don't gain weight. I can't and I've tried. Hard to gain and maintain. Still weigh 113lbs like last time in wore a bathing suit months ago. Suddenly a week ago I try on a bathing suit that's a 5/6 one piece and its too tight. I try on an 8/9 and it fits just like the 5/6 did. My body form has changed somehow. My torso may have lengthened, my girls are slightly bigger, and my hips seem more.......maternal. I'm still the same weight as before but my body has changed into a woman........it kinda scares me and feels awkward to say I have a woman's body instead of a girl's body (I've always had a petite form and b-chest, but I do now as far as the shaping its taking.

So yea. Its hard to accept all this change. I feel like dust in the wind. Things are fine and happening for the better but I feel like I'm the one in slow motion while everything around me is adapting so fast. Friends I know my age and slightly younger are married or have had kids. Some have already graduated. Idk where time has gone.