It felt so strange, being alone with something so heavy on her mind.
She could have gone to her friends, she knew that. They would have sat down with her and listened to every word, then they'd probably hug her tightly, pat her hair, and tell her all the beautiful, meaningful reasons that she should refuse Emrys' offer. They would never be able to understand the depths of her anxiety, or how many layers of carefully carved masks she wore just to get through the day. The promises they would make - and have made - to her about finding another way would help for a time, but they would be ineffective against the inevitable silence that came with the night. Countless, sleepless hours of gloom and flesh-eating worry while her friends slept soundly and happily in their own beds. They meant well, and they always knew the right thing to say to at least get her through the active part of the day.
Which made the result inevitable: In the end she would listen, and she would fall in love with the fictional world they painted for her, so much so that she'd agree with them. She would be convinced that somehow, they could make it work. All she had to do was hang in there. She would go and turn down the offer, claiming that the consequences were too great for her, but would continue to feel that nagging worry in the back of her mind. Night would come and bring with it the silence. That ever-present parasite on her core would never go away. The rest of her life would be spent tip toeing in between bursts of overly violent moments of rage. It would always be a vicious cycle.
Her mind began to argue: what would happen to her if something happened to them? What would she be left with if her support system disappeared? Her entire future revolved around leaning so heavily on everyone else. Amrita loved her friends dearly, but she couldn't turn to them now. This was a decision she had to make on her own, and so she was going to work through it the only way she new how.
She picked up DC, holding the little Death Charm close to her chest as she crossed the room. He was set down on her usually unused bed, and a few steps later she was sitting at her desk, pulling out pieces of paper and a pen. The papers were shuffled and moved until they were perfectly stacked: it was a blank slate. Her starting point. The unmarked pages were stared at for a long while before she found the courage to start, scrawling several words on the top of the page:
Quote:
'My Future'
PROS
CONS
PROS
- status quo
family?
job?
kids?
normal life
CONS
- TAG.
status quo
constant anxiety
holding back
confusion
night terrors
loneliness
On the second page, she started another list:
Quote:
'My Freedom'
PROS
CONS
PROS
- NO TAG.
Become my potential?
NO TAG
'could have everything else'
still have a future?
CONS
- no more status quo
future unknown
could lose everything?
Then, a third page:
Quote:
???
- what IS my potential?
why does tag removal mean giving up a normal life?
was i clear on the tag thing? **should clarify first maybe
why did i put kids i don't even want kids
would i even let myself get any of those nice things in 'future pro'?
can i ever have nice things
i can't imagine my future one way or another
what if i lose everything i've ever had if i say yes
what if i lose everything i've ever had if i say no
'could have everything else' <- what does this even mean
would i rather keep what i have and be constantly afraid, or give up what i have to feel safe and in control?
if i do this, will i miss what i have now?
if i don't do this, will i always wonder 'what if'?
what could i do if i wasn't afraid?
Hours passed, and though she hadn't written much, she had given everything some very serious thought. Writing it out hadn't really helped, but it did put some things into sharper perspective: to her, she was damned if she did, and damned if she didn't. Each option had one major pro and one major con. Neither option would be an easy one to make or live with. In the end, it boiled down to one thing: Did she want to cling to those last shreds of hope for a normal life, or did she want to take a gamble for something better?
She wasn't sure, and, suddenly, she resented the fact that she was being made to choose. She never asked to be in this situation in the first place. They had done this to her. They had put out of reach everything she had ever wanted. They had put her in the position where she had to make this choice. They were probably laughing at her while she struggled with it. The thought was enough to make her lean back in her chair, stretching to see herself in a nearby mirror, flipping off her own reflection in the off chance they was watching. With a clatter her chair fell back into it's normal position and she was one more leaning over the three sheets of paper that both helped and hindered.
Amrita gave a frustrated groan and fell forward, hitting her head on the desk and simply leaving it there. This was a mess, a huge mess, and she still couldn't make heads or tails of it. Not to mention she still couldn't go to her friends, because that was a fixed outcome. It wasn't fair that this was the first real, drastic decision she would ever get to make on her own free will.
Live and be afraid, or take a chance and lose.
One or the other.
The next time she looked at her clock, it was well past midnight.
Amrita had made her decision, but it was a tentative one. She still had a few hours before the school opened once more, and unable to sleep she settled for tidying up her scarcely furnished room. When she was finished she sat down at her desk once more, staring at the papers she had written all over. She collected them carefully, stacking them as perfectly as she had before she started writing it out, and tucked them away in her desk.
The left over blank sheets remained in front of her, and after a moment of thoughtful staring she picked up her pen once more and began to write.
