Welcome to Gaia! ::

Imagine that today you were not only single, without a single nibble in the line within your sight, and learned that regardless of what modern medicine may cook up in the future, the rest of your life you'll not only live in pain that has no reason, and will only get worse with time, and that those same nerves that are causing the pain will send you early to the nursing home, quite possibly before your own parents need to go. Now imagine that while listening to this, you're 19, all of your friends are happy and in couples, getting married according to whatever state they live in.

Oh yeah, I forgot the best part, your memory is destroyed, incapable of recalling anything from your past, and making new memories nearly impossible to hold onto.

Sadly I don't have the luxury of imagining that scenario of a life, that's my actual life. I was living in an apartment, going to college and working two jobs, trying to find out what my path would bring me, when I learned this after a week in the hospital. I learned that my entire life was going at the speed of light into a brick wall without a single thing to help me slow it down.

Now to the point of this. Before all this, I dated. I wasn't out in dates with a new girl and a new bed every night, mostly because I valued relationships that started off as friendships. I royally screwed up the best relationship I had ever been in up to the point, and now all I do is sit around, watching the world go in by,

Damn this is hard to talk about, let alone type it out.

It's no secret that I'm gay, I came out to my parents back before Angry Birds, so they don't expect me to have guys coming over other than to watch Burlesque and sing along to the almighty Cher with gusto. (If you guessed that these guys were gay, then bingo! You get a cookie!!)

I was in a relationship when all this shitypoopoocrap was starting, but she couldn't handle it. So I guess that's where I start.

How the hell can I ask someone to love me when I hate myself? I know it's illogical, hating myself for something I have no control over, it's just how it is. I hardly realized it myself until just now. So how could I put someone through the turmoil of knowing me, have affectionate feelings for me, start to love me as I love her, all so she can sit there and watch me in so much pain, that the doctors are afraid that any more meds will put me in a coma, and that's where I rather be than here. Is that selfish of me? to deny my possible soul mate from ever meeting me because I know what the future holds?