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[Q] ADOPTION - Satchel [Please review/Crit!]

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Wingseagle

Peaceful Bibliophile

19,475 Points
  • Angelic Alliance 100
  • Mark Twain 100
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 4:10 pm


Hello and wel-come!
I am still under-construction but you are welcome to post what you think of what I have, or say hello or offer an opinion (hinthintnames).
As you can see I am not in a state of repair to take anything nearing a full crit yet, but please feel welcome anyways!

Imma need this stuff:

APPLICATION GUIDE
In your application, you MUST have all of these sections in order to be admitted into processing.

Your Keeper
XXXCharacter name
XXXAge
XXXRegion: Which part of Panymium are they from? Where are they now?
XXXAppearance
XXXPersonality
XXXHistory

(Due to the fact that several of our members know people afflicted with mental illness, we will not accept "crazy" characters in either your Grimm's or Plague's personality or history. If you choose to use a mental illness in your quest, treat it with respect, and research before you write.)

Your Plague
XXXItem history: What's the history behind your Plagued item? (Remember that no item was tainted before 1399!)
XXXPersonality
XXXConcept ideas: Images, descriptions, keywords, whatever-- inspire us! Make your Plague look and feel interesting!

REMEMBER!
Plagues are still not enitrely accepted anywhere, and there's a lot of mistrust between Plagues and humans.
Plagues are considered to be property rather than people
The Council of Science works at disease prevention across Panymium, but especially in Gadu, where its university and headquarters are. Councilmembers make informative pamphlets, spread disease prevention methods through the city (aromatic prevention like potpourri is popular since the disease is thought to be miasmatic)
Nobility
nobility is tied to land
Chess exists
Ink and parchment are both more common in PD than they were in medieval times
Gadu is one of the most liberal cities in Panymium, idealistic, King Fang's policies
Plagues in general (And More!)
Good reads
Shillings
.1 Shillings = 1 tuppence
.01 Shillings = 1 pence
World Timeline
Council of Sciences
Imperial Gaurd
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 5:49 pm


A GRIMM Beginning
Jk, it isn't very grim actually.


Character name - Kyrilu -of Gadu, -of The Watch
Age - 29
Region - Ismus - Gadu Native and Resident
Appearance - The middle aged man standing before you is at first glance, average. A second look will note his strong jaw, and the determined way he carries himself. At 5 ft 8in he's a bit taller than most, with a stout build without being bulky, stocky, or lanky. Wearing the uniform of a Watch Captain he appears confident, the callouses on his hands label him experienced. Dark brown hair is trimmed neatly from the stormy gray eyes, and his slight smile is inviting.
Personality - {Because I question my ability to fill out bullets cohesively, this will be summarized in a paragraph after the bullets.}
Idealistic - Kyrilu has his own thoughts on how things should be, and could be. He's not your run of the mill Watch officer, he's a Captain of the Watch. Kyrilu can't help but look at stunteds and plagues, and see how they could be used to help police and investigate where the Death is common to help reduce exposure of Watch officers in general. The Death itself they think is miasmatic, so the farther away a human can be commanding a stunted the safer the human is. He also has his own ideas of how cases should be investigated and documented, he wants to do more than just keep the peace, and write it off. he wants to be able to catch chain thefts and anything else that may come along.
Liberal - Kyrilu is not afraid to push the boundaries of social norm just a little. He is happy to be seen among the common folk at his favorite tavern (Be Literate - A popular place for students at Trisca and residents of Gadu who want to watch the drunken debates that inevitably pop up). To ease the sensibilities of some of the higher class students, the tavern is split level, the upper floors reserved for upper classes. That doesn't stop a drunk from tumbling over the handrail or their rants being heard. [name] really wants not to unify classes and beliefs, but make himself a confidant of all. He strongly feels if the people of all sorts are not comfortable coming to him with their problems, less thefts and crimes get solved.
Stubborn - Or perhaps hard headed may be better. He has a sense of pride and honor that will not allow himself to go back on a promise. He cannot stand for an injustice, but normally does not act rashly outside the bound of his job. He understands sometimes it would not be wise, but it does eat away at him inside. He will complain about it if drunk enough.
Outgoing - He wants to be known by many, not in a fame way, but as someone who can be relied on. A buddy to play dice or cards, or a helping hand for a woman out on errands. He fancies himself gallant and will carry things for ladies, common or noble, old or young, but at the same time has no trouble playing dice in the tavern, providing the dice are not rigged.

Overall you are looking at a guy with an unwavering sense of justice that wants to help all those he encounters. He doesn't really care for social class of those he helps because he views himself by his job. He is the Watch, the Watch is not a commoner or a noble. He doesn't understand how this may be odd to some, and disregards that some lower noble-born may be in the Watch on their family's merit. He simply doesn't think of it. To him, anyone in the Watch worked for it, and hold the same values in justice as himself. He is too stubborn to accept this may not be true, that there may be corruption, or even those who don't care. He has blinded himself to the fact, for good or bad. He wants to help everyone, it's just how he is, even though he cannot see some will resent and dislike him for it. Overall he is good though, about not being over-zealous, or else he would not hold his current position of Captain.
History -
Born a common boy to a common woman and laboring man of the city, his youth is what you may expect. The fact that his mother pushed him out the door every day to try to earn some money for the family is irrelevant, she still loved him. His mother taught him that even though some things look bad, you have to look for the good. She taught him how the good could make others happy, how helping and being kind could bring smiles, so he wanted to protect that. He started by shadowing members of the Watch, and offered to run little errands for them. A message sent here, a paper delivered there. He worked, because he wanted to, and slowly he became a fixture in the Watch station, enough so that by the time he was old enough to apprentice, he became one. Not because his family had money, but because he was always there, and always helped. When his parents died of age, he mourned them, but by then he had already made them proud.

So you see, not much grief or grimness, just hard work, and determination, because he wanted to protect others happiness, not more twisted reason to be found.

Wingseagle

Peaceful Bibliophile

19,475 Points
  • Angelic Alliance 100
  • Mark Twain 100

Wingseagle

Peaceful Bibliophile

19,475 Points
  • Angelic Alliance 100
  • Mark Twain 100
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 5:51 pm


A PLAGUED Encounter


Item - Satchel
Name -Leofrick
Attributes - Male, Locos
Personality - Less gregarious than his grimm, he favors more flat truth to idealism, something that seems to run rampant around him in Gadu. He likes reason, and cannot see why anyone would do anything without it. Emotions, wanting, do not really count as a good reason, they are not logical. They do not make sense, and for him, everything must make sense. He is not quiet, though some may think so because he will hold his tongue, knowing not everyone can handle hearing the straight truth that is on his mind, but is outspoken when he does speak. For instance, If asked of a new fad of women hiking up their skirts (oh how unsightly!) He would respond honestly that it is a much more practical manner for women to go about their chores keeping their skirts clean from manure, dirt, and roadfilth related to whatever job they are doing. The ones who hike them up really far? Stupidity, why would they want to be chilled and so openly vulnerable? Really now?

He really wishes people would make more sense, and is both confused and enchanted by them, because he just doesn't understand. (Further example: He can't understand his grimm's motivations and blatant ignoring of things right in front of his face just because they don't align with his idea of how things should be. This makes his grimm intriguing to the plague.)
Leofrick is constantly mystified by humans and their motivations. He likes to watch from a still corner as they go about their lives. He's curious. Just why do some of the humans help each other, then others steal from one another. Why do they choose to live in a flawed system putting some above the rest? If it were just a matter of who was stronger, why, a good number of laborers would be the kings and lords. Leofrick wants to study this, and if he had been born human, he would probably be a psychologist of sorts. He really wants to understand what he doesn't understand, why humans let their emotions make them act so rashly.
With all this talk of study, you'll rightly assume Leofrick comes across as cold, or seeming like an unthinking object or pet, like plagues are mostly treated. This is true and yet, having seen Ky's unwavering desire to be good, to help, he himself cannot resist the odd act of kindness, even though the common woman may resent or fear the plague that picked up one of her spilled apples for her.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 6:02 pm


A COINCIDENTAL Tale


It Began -
One day as Kyrilu was working he came across an item in the lost objects bin that could actually be identified with an owner, seeing as it had a note on it. The note simply read "Please, return me to the lady Dwenne on baker's street. Tell her I am sorry."
Which was odd enough in itself, normally potentially stolen items were not returned, but sometimes when it was a memento and the owner filed a notice with a town crier things like this happened. At the end of his watch he slid the tarnished, and somewhat dull and grubby locket into his satchel.

Dwenne it turned out, was a baker of sweet rolls, whose husband was missing. The locket she had given him at their wedding, so he may remember her when he was off traveling as a merchant's guard. Her husband had not returned, and the merchant's entourage had been attacked outside the city. She accepted the locket, teary eyed, as it seemed to confirm her worst fears. Her husband was probably killed by the thieves, but she was grateful. "Somehow", Kyrilu said trying to give her some comfort, "the thief must a had some heart, t' return this t' the watch box. Your husband probly did'n suffer." Which was a lie. He more likely had been wounded in one of those ways that brought a slow painful death. Painful enough for his cries to move a thief's stone heart, slow enough to make the request. She didn't need to hear that now. "Would ya like me t' stay a while?" He asked. His watch was over, and he didn't like the idea of leaving someone so upset, she looked near sobs.
Dwenne the baker just nodded. "Please, thanks." Her voice tight and soft. "Would you... like some tea?" For her, the kindness helped. The duty of entertaining a guest helped. It was nice to see someone cared, she wasn't alone. She wondered if she could continue her business without... no, best not think now. Kyrilu had nodded when she asked and she invited him in to her table. Normally she wouldn't have let a stranger in, but Kyrilu was a watchman, and she needed to not be alone.
When the tea was done they sat for a while. Kyrilu sipped at his and listened as she slowly started to tell stories. Stories of their wedding, of how she'd met her husband. Their business. He normally was not one who broke bad news to citens who had lost a loved one, and he hadn't expected this, but he listened anyways. He could see, as she talked, the tears start to roll a little freer. Eventually she stopped, and they sat a while longer. "Thank you." she whispered. Kyrilu just nodded, and sat a few moments. "Ya don't have anyone else do ya?" he asked. Her lips tightened, and that was answer enough. She was old enough her parents were dead. Siblings probably as well, for whatever reason. Kyrilu sighed. He didn't want to be taken the wrong way, but he knew how the grief alone could hurt. "Would ya like me t' check on ya, on the way home from my watch?" he offered. Her suprised look said she hadn't expected further kindness. "It's just, I couldn' leave ya hurting so bad, my ma would not look down kindly on me. She'd haunt my dreams y'know." He stood awkwardly, and she nodded and lead him to the door. She waved gratefully as he left, but Kyrilu looked back, noting the exhaustion. Hopefully she would be able to sleep now.

Heading to his own home, Kyrilu shrugged out of his uniform, natly folding it and placing it to the side for the next day. His satchel was looped over the back of the chair to the small desk of the room he rented. It was not until the next morning he discovered his satchel seemed to have picked up grime from the locket, now smeared all over it's insides. Vowing to clean the stain later, he grabbed a scrap square of cloth and tied some bread and cheese inside for his lunch. He checked his uniform over, glad it hadn't picked up any stains as well, before donning it. As always he stood a moment at his door, and took a deep breath. Yes, he was ready, it was a new day. Stepping out and down the stair, Kyrilu made his way for the Watch post.

Wingseagle

Peaceful Bibliophile

19,475 Points
  • Angelic Alliance 100
  • Mark Twain 100

Rookeries
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:21 pm


Grimm:
- What is Kyrilu's surname?
- For your knowledge, "Imisus" has been spelled wrong in the region section.
- "[name] really wants not to unify classes and beliefs" -> [Name] wasn't specified. Is this Kyrilu?
- Nearly all of Kyrilu's personality pertains to his duty as a Guardsman and his ideals toward the classes. Expand on this-- how does he act in public? How does he act privately? Around familiar company? Around total strangers?

Grimm history:
- I would like you to tell us more of how Kyrilu became a Guardsman. What's his position at the watch. By watch, should I assume you mean the city watch? What rank is he in the Guard, and how did he achieve this? What are his contributions to the Guard?
- Furthermore, at what age did he join the Guard's ranks; how did this affect this homelife? Did the Guard come to him, or did he sign up for the Guard? Were their any family pressures/reactions to him being in the Guard?

You've laid out a lot of foundations for Kyrilu, but a lot of things have remained unexplained. When reading his personality, I was able to grasp that class stratification and his duty as a Guardsman were quite important, yet none of that reflected in Kyrilu's history. Please expand on why he thinks the way he does, and what experiences helped shape him into a loyal watchman. Also, because it's so important to him, be sure to consider what exactly he does for the Watch.

Plague:
- What, to Leofrick, is reason? What is truth? Why are these things important to him?
- There's mention of "all this talk of study" in Leofrick's personality, yet there's no mention of studies written anywhere else. What do you mean by this?
- At the moment, the only thing I'm gathering from Leofrick's personality pertains to his interests in reason and truth. I'd urge you to think about more of Leofrick's personality in terms of how he interacts with others. Does he act differently in private? What other things interest him?

It's also fair to note that we have a lot of Plagues with personalities along a similar vein as Leofrick's, since many of them fixate on the discovery of truths and have a penchant for reason. I'd urge you to push past this personality quirk and try to imagine how Leofrick would work with Kyrilu. How does he fare with his Grimm? Does Leofrick work with Kyrilu, or against him? What are his views on his Grimm, and on other Plagues, and how does that reflect in his self esteem?

Item history:
- I'm not so sure that the city of Gadu would have a 'lost object bin' for the capital in the Watch; remember that this is the grand capital of Imisus, so it's fairly sizeable.

Again, like the rest of the entry, you've laid out a lot of foundations here, but they need some explaining. A lot of the item history is also built on coincedences and hypotheticals. It isn't explained why the locket is Plagued at all, nor for how long it was in Kyrilu's satchel.

Kyrilu can hypothesize about how the woman's husband died all he wants, we need more concretes as to how the satchel was Plagued. The narrative is pleasant, but it doesn't tell us at all what the origins of the locket are, either, let alone why the baker's wife has it, or why the baker really died.
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