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 Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 10:25 pm
This got a bit long sweatdrop But I feel it's some important details.
I grew up in the Midwest where people are generally more conservative but for the most part I never really heard, or cared, about people being gay. I was never around homophobic people and my mother would frequently hang out with people at the gay bars, apparently they're more fun.
When I was a freshman in high school I joined tracked and couldn't help but notice that some of those uniforms were really cute but I denied it for the longest time saying to myself that until I dated a female I would not admit to liking women.
The next year came and went and I was finally able to be a counselor at the Girl Scout camp I've went ever summer. I was very excited but my grandmother was joined the Southern Baptist church and be came a hard reborn Christian. She was not happy and was convinced that Girl Scouts taught women how to be lesbians, this irritated my mom and said she was talking nonsense.
Half way through my junior year of high school I started noticing that I had a crush on my friend. It really freaked me out and I wasn't sure what to do so I started to avoid her. Which was really hard because we rode the bus together, had lunch together and a few classes as well. She was very upset about it so later that day we were on instant massager and about three hours later I finally confessed my feelings to her.
She said she felt the same way for quite sometime and interestingly enough it wasn't awkward at all the next day at school. For the first time in a long time I was really happy. The funny thing was is that the day we started dating was April 4 2008 which we laughed about being 4-4-08.
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Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 10:38 pm
Anyway, it was a very small town and the high school was no larger than 200 kids. Gays were not a thing that usually around and my girlfriend, at the time, was not well popular. We were bullied until the day we graduated, everyday on the bus, at lunch, in the hallways. There was no escape from it, there were no GSA and the teachers only stood there and watched.
It was really hard and it never seemed like it would end, and on top of that my girlfriend was terrified that if her mother found out we were dating she would be kicked out of the house. I thought my family would be ok with it, at least my immediate family.
About three mouth after we started dating, it was summer, and she frequently spent the night at my house and vise versa. One day after dropping her off at her house, my mother asked me if we were going out, I said yes and it followed with a long silence. I was very nervous because I had no idea how she would react.
I remember her saying, 'You do know how I feel about this.' Which I responded with no I don't because we have never talked about it. Come to find out that she was not ok with me liking women and since then has made it a well clear point that it's not ok. At one point she told my that I need to talk to god about my problems.
I was very hurt and angry, it felt as though I had no one to go to, I had a few friends but they lived hours away. I knew that most of my family would not be ok with it, and to this day they still don't know, or at leas pretend not to.
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Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 10:56 pm
It seemed hopeless, it was like the world hated us and all we wanted to do was be with each other.
Although my mothers and I relationship fell apart my step father really came through. When he found out he laughed and said I told you so, I was a bit annoyed but it mad me feel a bit better. My brother also stood up for me on the bus, he yelled at the girls making rude comments to leave me alone. He was even quieter than I was and his sudden outburst shut them up for the rest of the ride.
In the end I moved in with my girlfriend until I went off to college, it turned out her mother was ok with our relationship, that is until I broke up with her, then it was all my fault her daughter was a lesbian.
All this rambling makes me remember why Seraphim and I started this guild, it was to make sure that others like us would have a safe place to go, a place to meet others, laugh, cry, but somewhere we could feel safe and not so alone.
Life can be really hard and at times it may seem pointless, and often I felt like there really wasn't a point in facing anything. But after years of being out of this situation and meeting other that felt the same as me and were treated the same way made me feel less alone, less weird. There may be people shouting terrible things but there is always people their that will support and help you. Weather it be friends, family, or random people from the internet. This is a place where you don't have to face it alone.
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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2014 6:16 pm
Thanks for sharing, and yeah it is hard when your all alone without the support when you need it most. Its even sadder when ones family doesnt accept you. I mean seriously how can you hate ones own daughter? I just think some people overreact which your mother hanging out at gay bars. To me i think and im guessing is because shes fine with them but might see it as a issue when her daughter comes out as lesbian. I know i had (keyword there) friend who was fine with me but God forbid one of her children turned out to be gay. Have you two worked it out or talked anymore, you and your mother that is.
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Seraphim of Forgiveness Captain
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