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 Posted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:01 pm
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Posted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:03 pm
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Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 7:37 am
There's no lyricsm or however this thing is called in English in this.
Aaaaand it's an overused idea.
Helpful tips? Yes.
Resign from telling a story to us. Your writing has too much to do with speaking. Be inventive, search for words that will suprise. I knew the end after first 4 lines. But hey, there are so many details in her you can paint! Her eyes, the paricular WAY she yells your name. Simply telling us she yelled it has nothing to with poetry for me. It's porno.
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Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 9:28 pm
It needs to have a flow to it. It starts out ok in the beginning, then it kinda just rambles on. I would try re-writing some of it to make it rhyme.
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Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 4:18 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 4:29 pm
I thought it was pretty good, except for one thing already mentioned- the rhythm. I think this can be changed, however, by breaking it into stanzas. For the most part, there are sections which read well together but don't really go with the rest, so just breaking it into parts would work in your favor.
Also, a couple of lines seemed out of place. The 'I'm surprised it didn't blow' line seemed awkward in the middle of this extremely emotional section and the 'what about our plans to move in together' seemed implied by the marriage part.
Finally, I would add a few periods at the end of certain lines to add more dramatic impact.
The good, however, is though someone said the idea is overused, maybe I'm just not as sharp as some people, but I didn't see the end coming before she died. Even though it may seem cliche, I thought you approached it very well and didn't give away the ending, which is usually what happens in cliche pieces. So, overall, good job! I hope to read more of your work!
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