|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2015 5:40 pm
Hey everyone, so, I guess I need some reassurance, or more importantly some comfort. Earlier in March this year, I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me. We'd been together since August the previous year. At first, the relationship was great. Everything I'd ever wanted and dreamed of. Dates, nights in and movies, romance etc. It was all fine, for a while. Then came his nasty side. His anger issues, which were so severe he'd break plates, punch walls, doors and even go to hit me... Each time he almost lashed out at me or said something mean I'd forgive him, but even worse, blame myself and my anxiety. Which he triggered, a lot. Calling other guys hot, to an excess, and going into full detail about them and what he'd do... Yeah it was a joke, but taken too far.
Anyway, I should have seen the signs of cheating. But I didn't until I left him. The fact he'd never let me on his phone, the defenseiveness, picking pointless arguments, being moody, verbal abuse...
But the thing is, he claimed to love me so much. So much he wanted to stay with me forever and marry me one day. And me being in love, was blinded. After a while though, my feelings began to fade and I stayed around because I didn't know what else to do. I'm glad it's over, but I trusted him so much. Gave him everything, literally. Went out of my way and put him first to make him happy. The cheating must have been going on a while, considering he was talking to a guy we both knew. My boyfriend claimed to hate him, as he was messaging me telling me my boyfriend was asking him for sex. I refused to believe it. The second time he tried telling me, I got proof. So I called my boyfriend, saying "what the f**k?!" He hung up then blocked me on all social media. Since then I've heard nothing from him and not even an explanation. I wish the worst on him, I really do.
it's just I don't know if I'll ever trust a guy ever again and will struggle letting people in. I don't even wanna make an effort for anyone else, but myself and my closest friends and family. The people that matter. But mostly all my friends are in relationships and it kills me when I see happy couples. Because that was me once, but it all went. All because I trusted the wrong guy and now I'm half left with so much fear about being with someone because I got cheated on.
I just hope one day a guy proves to me that I don't have to be afraid to let people in, or trust them or allow myself to fall for someone.
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2015 7:30 pm
I think this resource might help. As someone who's been in bad relationships like that before I can tell you there are guys out there who will be worth it. I never thought I'd ever meet a nice guy, but then I met my husband. We struggle because of my own issues with trust, so my advice would to not allow yourself to become closed off or bitter because of this. It will make it that much harder when you finally do find a great guy.
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2015 4:43 am
Karmerruk I think this resource might help. As someone who's been in bad relationships like that before I can tell you there are guys out there who will be worth it. I never thought I'd ever meet a nice guy, but then I met my husband. We struggle because of my own issues with trust, so my advi ce would to not allow yourself to become closed off or bitter because of this. It will make it that much harder when you finally do find a great guy. It was a good read and quite eye-opening. Most of it I knew though, but the bits about self-healing were extremely helpful, thank you. I'm trying to break my walls down and just go with whatever happens in life instead of being afraid.
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2015 10:25 am
I've been in an abusive relationship myself, so I have some empathy for where you're probably at right now. Even when you know that ending the relationship was the right thing for you, there's still a recovery period before you start to feel like yourself again, and sometimes that recovery period can take quite a long time.
When a relationship (even a bad one) ends, it's not just the end of what was, but also the end of what might have been. You're not just giving up what you had (which wasn't very good, from the sound of it), but you're also sort of admitting defeat and giving up all your hopes and dreams for what you wanted that relationship to be some day. Especially in abusive relationships, victims tend to cling to those hopes and dreams because...well, because it's pretty much all we have in those situations. It's been those hopes and dreams (no matter how unrealistic they may have been) that have kept us going and given us reasons to get up in the morning, and ending a relationship means saying goodbye to all of that, which is a much bigger emotional blow than most people realise. A lot of people think that in bad relationships, the biggest issue is getting out of them and that once they're over, you and your life can just instantly pick up where you left off before your relationship went downhill, but unfortunately, it's usually not that simple. You need to give yourself permission and time to mourn the loss of this relationship just like you would if it had been a generally good relationship. No matter what anyone says, you have suffered a loss, and it's okay to feel that and to feel shitty about it for a little while. (I'm not trying to make you feel worse by saying "YOU LOST SOMETHING, FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!, but many people, upon getting out of abusive relationships, feel as if they're somehow now "allowed" to mourn the loss of that relationship, so I'm just trying to tell you that it's okay to mourn that loss, and that it is indeed a loss, even if that may not make total 100% rational sense.)
As Kamerruk said, I think the other thing is to not allow yourself to become completely closed off to the possibility of good romantic things to come. It's okay if you don't feel up to starting another relationship for a while. In fact, it's probably healthiest if you don't get into another relationship right away, but don't let the bad actions of one person ruin your romantic future, because there are truly worthwhile people out there. Not every male out there is a douchebag. Some are, unfortunately, but many aren't. Give yourself some time to sort you out, but just remember that not all men are your ex, and there is someone (more than one someone, most likely) who will treat you right and be a good partner to you. That's not something you should be too worried about now, but it's something worth keeping in the back of your mind. Don't let one bad relationship make you jaded and bitter.
And I'm also here to tell you that there is a life worth living after getting out of an abusive relationship. It takes some time and effort and healing, but just remember that you're out. He's no longer this driving negative force in your life, and your life no longer has to revolve around a person who puts his needs before yours. You no longer have to live with the impossible task of making a perpetually miserable person happy! That's an enormous weight off your shoulders. Enjoy it as best you can. Try to see this as the beginning rather than the end.
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|