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 Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 10:24 pm
So there was a guy I really hit off with a while ago. We bonded over loving unstable lives and needing things to change all the time otherwise we get bored and go a little crazy. I was super happy to have found a friend who I could really relate to. (I live abroad right now, so finding really good friends as opposed to drinking buddies is a big deal for me). We hung out a couple times and really got along, and we've been chatting and flirting a bit over FB.
Yesterday I found out that he has a girlfriend, she's pregnant, and they're getting married this week.
I'm in shock and I feel so scared for him. This wasn't what he wanted for his young life, based on our talks. I'm worried he feels pressured into getting married because of the baby. I want to be happy for him, but I also want to be sure that he's actually happy??
Also maybe I'm totally projecting my fears of marriage onto him. To me it just seems like a death sentence and I don't get why anyone would willingly get married, especially so young!! But maybe he's really excited for this, and it's all good! But I can't really wrap my mind around that. I'm trying, but... yeah.
Above all, I'm really scared that he won't want to hang out with me anymore because he's married. I still really want to be his friend! We're attracted to each other but the perk of being aro is that I can let that go in an instant. Friendship is harder to let go of though. I'm sad.
Am I a terrible person for feeling more concerned for him than happy??
Does the potential of losing a good friendship to marriage always feel a bit like betrayal for aros?
I've never been so upset about something like this and I don't know how to act.
Advice??
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Posted: Sat May 07, 2016 2:41 pm
You could lose your friend to marriage, he very well could be getting married to do the "right" thing. The important thing to do is ask him if getting married means you can no longer be friends. You must gauge his feelings on it. It's also very possible that his fiancée will not be happy with him talking to you, and he may decide to stop to keep her happy. If that's the case the only thing you can do is try to remind him that he has to master his own life. The only thing he's responsible for is the baby he created.
You're not wrong to worry about wether he really wants to Marry or not, Amatonormativity is a very real thing that's foisted on us since actual birth and everyday there after. It affects us aros the most but also allos. The best you can do is ask him his feelings and be his friend. You're friendship is just important as any romantic relationship and you do not have to take second wheel to anything.
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Posted: Wed May 11, 2016 10:53 pm
Why would marriage nullify your friendship? If you were friends before, you'll still be friends after! I highly doubt his fiance would prevent him from seeing you (she would have to be reallllyyy insecure for that to happen, haha).
You should try to support him - that's what friends are for, right? Don't let your fear of marriage get in the way. I know lots of married people who have more fun than I do. Some of my best friends are even planning to have children, and I'm happy to be 'that weird relative who their parents always censor'.
Maybe you could become friends with his fiance as well... she might be nice mrgreen
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2016 4:50 am
Aw, thanks for the perspective, folks!
We actually hung out last night for the first time since all this went down, and now I'm not even sure what I was freaking out about. I feel kinda silly?
Got a chance to really talk and I'm reassured that he's happy (and a bit nervous about being a dad but) generally really excited, and still also very rad and fun to talk to. I'm so relieved! I'm really excited for him now, and just so glad he still wants to hang!
I dunno. Marriage freaks me out so much but I shouldn't get carried away worrying about anyone who gets married.
*deep breath* Remind myself - a lot of people like marriage. A lot of married people are happy. A lot of married people are just as cool as they were before they got married. Totally normal part of life for most people and no reason to stop having friends and going out haha!
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